To the Infinities....

It finally happened and it only took 5 years.... Landon turned 5 today!

It is definitely a milestone but it hasn't hit me as hard as I expected. Thank you new baby Logan. Well, not so new...he is already 8 months old! 5 years from now when he is turning 5 I'll probably have a mental breakdown! I should mention Landon has his first girlfriend...Her name is Eva...and she's a blonde....is it completely lame that I feel betrayed over hair color!! Also....they are 5!
In all seriousness she is the cutest thing and actually the first day I actually got to see who the infamous Eva was she was wearing a pink ninja turtle dress so I gotta give my little man props for good taste! According to the teachers at Pre-K he follows her around on the playground, but totally not in a creeper way! I confirmed that his attention was appreciated LOL Don't feel too bad for this momma though, Im still "his girl",  AND Im totally still going away to college with him. Of course all of this is his idea.

Tonight I tucked him in and I prayed with him like we do every night but tonight's prayer was a little different. I was and am completely overcome with gratitude for getting the wonderful privilege to know this little person that God knitted together in my womb. This little person who was fearfully and wonderfully made has brought me more happiness than I ever imagined. I thought it was important for Landon to know so I thanked God for allowing me to be his mom. I prayed that Landon would grow to be a good and strong man who looks out for others. I prayed that I would be a good and patient mama to him. Then, because apparently I can sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star like none other I had to sing that 5 times through because...DUH he's 5 now.... :) As I was walking out he said he didn't want to grow up. He wondered if God could make him a "special one" so he could stay a boy forever. My heart just melted. Landy is my Peter Pan boy and we always joke that I'm going to get my hands on pixie dust and whisk him away for adventures with pirates in Neverland. He's definitely a boy after my own heart! Anyway, his very serious question got me thinking and I just had a moment of bittersweet revelation.

People are always reminding you of how fast time goes and to cherish every moment and its true. People say these "little years" are over in the blink of an eye and it definitely feels that way. I hear mamas saying all the time kind of in jest that they wish they could keep their babies little. And then at the next stage/milestone we swear; "this is where its at." And life continues on in this pattern. Im thinking that childhood is like the onion metaphor. There is just layer upon layer and there is no end in sight. The mystery of the next layer and the future potential implores us to keep peeling back layer after layer because there is this need to get to the core. This is the journey of parenthood I guess.

A part of me wishes I could pray that God would in fact make Landon one of the "special ones" so that I could keep him little, and innocent, and safe....Oh but to think of all that wasted potential...I know Landon will do big things in this life. So, as much as I want him all to myself I want him to grow up and experience the world and more importantly for the world to experience the person that he is and who he will become. The world will be better for it, I know I am.

I love you to infinity and beyond!

Landy and I play this game to see who loves who more. So, I might say "Landy, I love you to the moon and back" and he'll say "oh yeah, I love you infinity blades of grass" and I'll say "Oh yeah, well I love you infinity grains of sand!" And on and on we go. Obviously the more ridiculous the better. And let me tell you...with a 5 year old it gets straight up crazy!

Landon, Happy 5th birthday and I love you infinity of the stars in the sky....
even the ones we can't see...yeah, definitely the ones we can't see.

Always reminds me to stop and smell the roses

The sky is the limit, dream big and ridiculous dreams. You have nothing to lose!

Those eyes, that smile...they get me every time

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling what if you fly? -Peter Pan-

My Peter Pan
So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned.
Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings forever
in never never land -Peter Pan-

"All children except one grow up" -Peter Pan-




Here's to your future Landy....Your potential is infinite....

The Weight of This World

 I think everyone can relate to the feeling of having the weight of the world on our shoulders. There are tons of inspirational quotes and images of tired looking bodies bending under the weight of the literal world globe resting precariously on their shoulders and backs. Its a universal theme. Typically it is associated with negative circumstances or life's heavier burdens. I myself have felt the anxiety and pressure of life and its sometimes unbearable weight. Would you believe me if I told you I figured it out and for the first time I can quantify with real numbers what that weight is?

Probably not...

February 1st, 2016 the weight of the world was pulled from my body. He weighed exactly 9 pounds and 7 ounces. At the time my body was being stitched back together so I wasn't having this sweet "aha" moment, I just knew I couldn't wait to hold him. This revelation about the weight of the world didn't hit me for a couple of months and when it did it was during one our many middle of the night feedings. Those are the magic hours, when I'm deliriously sleepy and happy and content at the same time. Many times I am so exhausted I fall asleep as my baby nurses. Sometimes he falls asleep in my arms, other times I'll wake up and look down to see him looking at me. Sometimes he's smiling like he was just patiently waiting for me to see him. One night during our magic hour I was noticing his smells and sounds and I started thinking about his weight and how solid he felt in my arms.
The pressure of his little body in my arms got me thinking about my role as the most influential woman in his life and my responsibilities to him as his mother. I remember being overcome with this feeling of deep love and gratitude for his life. The pressure I felt to be good and to do good in my role as his mother was enormous but the burden of it felt so light.
I realize one of my callings in this life is to raise this tiny helpless baby into a strong young man of sound character. I want him to be a man of integrity who loves Jesus and therefore loves people. This is by far the most important duty I will ever be charged with and I'm strangely feeling emboldened.
Ive been thinking and reflecting and trying to make sense of how such a heavy responsibility can feel so light and I kept thinking about a verse in Matthew.

Matthew 11:30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Obviously Jesus never promised His followers and easy or care free life. Really its quite the opposite. Following Jesus requires submission and self denial on many levels. BUT, when we align our lives and hearts with God's will something on the inside changes and we are never the same. That inward change is what makes all the difference, it makes us desire our lives to be His.

What does that mean?

For me it means when my four year old challenges me daily, or on the nights I wish I didn't have to be up feeding my adorable baby, and life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, and I hate myself for being a crappy mom, wife, friend, sister, person....  I know that I can and will do better. When I am faced with doubt and difficulties I know that because His yoke is lined with love I have the assurance of His supernatural encouragement.  I know that those moments of weakness don't define me because Jesus does. So I get to go through life with this crazy realization that I won't do it all perfect but in the end it will be right because Jesus can reconcile my mistakes and missteps. I know there will be plenty and I still feel emboldened because I  know my courage and confidence comes from a supernatural power.  Hmm...by default does that make me Super Mom?? Definitely something to ponder this Mother's Day!

I hope any mamas who take the time to read this feel encouraged. And I know Motherhood should be the definition of the weight of the world. Like; the weight of the world= MOTHERHOOD

I sincerely hope you can find the weight of your own burdens whatever they may be light.

Just some of my favorites

My whole world...In literal pounds a couple hundred!

This captures the kind of dad Austin is. We are lucky.

One of the few pics of us together.

Brotherly Love

Poor, poor Logan...Landy is obsessed with his peanut costume!

Happy Mother's Day!! LOL

Logan looks terrified and probably with good reason!

"Baby Landon" I think he was feeling left out

I came into the living room to this, and my heart fluttered.

Landon wanted to watch a movie with Logan! Weirdly I think Logan is into it!

Stolen kisses, my favorite.

Falling in love

Oh the places you'll go!

Enough

Monday I will be 36 weeks pregnant! Home stretch here I am, for better or worse I have arrived. The hard part is almost over, or is it...Yes my achy back and poor stretched out belly are about to be relieved but then a whole other part of my body has to ache and stretch to bring this baby screaming into the world! Beautiful imagery, I know...

Then surely the hard part is over. But then there are the sleepless nights and poopy diapers I get to relive. Then there will be the "terrible twos". Then, just when I think I have this parenting thing figured out it will be something else. There is one thing I know for sure. Each stage and milestone comes with their own unique sets of highs and lows. We talk about life in terms of phases, cycles, seasons, etc. Its the best way to make sense of life and to categorize and compartmentalize all of the various aspects into meaningful data that we can understand.

As this chapter of my life (mom of one) is coming to an end and the sequel (mom of two boys) is about to begin I am definitely having a lot of mixed feelings and emotions. Mostly they are excitement, gratitude, joy, and anticipation. BUT, if I am being honest I am also struggling. More than I like to admit and more than I have been willing to admit until now. I know how my life works with one child and it's been awhile since I have had an infant and I'm hoping it all comes back to me. I feel like I have so much to re-learn. I am worried about how I will split my time and attention between two kiddos. Landy and I have this incredible bond and I'm scared I'll lose it. I'm scared post part depression is lurking in the shadows waiting to steal my joy like it did when Landy was little. Seriously, every time I feel the tiniest bit emotional I swear its a sign that I already have it!! A little crazy I know...Anyway, there are just a lot of unknowns and I don't like unknowns. Alas, I have to suck it up and get ready because this ride is going with or without me!

Im not sure when I will learn to just deal with my issues head on...You would think after 30 years I would know what does and doesn't work! I try my best to bury the things I don't want to deal with and hope they will go away. They never do. They just lie there dormant waiting to strike at my psyche with a precision that takes my breath away and breaks me down to the core. Add in being tired, pregnant and emotional and its a recipe for disaster. So I shouldn't have been surprised when I finally cracked!

Wednesday happened and it felt like a tornado ripped through me. One minute I had it together and the next I was a sobbing mess. By the way, I am the queen of having it together... Not really, but at least outwardly that is what I want people to think; ALL the time. My husband knows better of course. Every now and then when life is winning I lock myself in the bedroom and cry for a good 30 minutes and then I'm good. I purge and then I move on, its actually quite therapeutic. I hate that my husband even knows this about me. Im not sure why I care so much....I think I just hate admitting that anyone or anything (life's circumstances included) can get at me in an emotional way. I feel out of control and Im pretty sure no one enjoys feeling that way. Anyway back to Wednesday......I sent this text to my husband at 10:51 AM "Please get home soon so I can get some time away. I need some space from Landon."

Yes, in my mind this was the text heard 'round the world. It was a public declaration that I didn't have it together and I was failing. It was a cry for help. It was admitting defeat and failure. I even felt like I was betraying Landon because God forbid I need space... I HATED that I had to ask my husband for help. I semi had it together until I started typing this out. As I was typing the message and preparing to send it my dormant anxiety and stress saw my moment of weakness and chose to attack right then and there. Suddenly my fears were being affirmed in my mind and worse, in my heart.

Immediately I just knew I was a terrible mother, I yelled too much, wasn't patient enough, had un-realistic expectations for my 4 year old, didn't play enough with Landon, allowed too much tv time, nagged too much, was lazy, was a terrible wife with a messy house...In my mind I was inadequate in EVERY way. I should mention Landon was in his room crying because I had just punished him and I was in the kitchen falling apart as I sent my desperate text.

Until the last couple of months I have felt pretty confident  in my parenting abilities and where I am at with Landon. I thought I had my little guy all figured out! Ha, I guess I'm just lucky its taken 4 years for him to decide to change up our script. Since he has turned 4 he has just really come into his own. He is so opinionated and argumentative. And the sass and attitude he can have is shocking! A part of me has been wondering if its me. Like maybe because I'm extra tired and cranky I'm just impatient. Of course this is probably part of it, I don't have my normal level of patience and I can't keep up with my little ball of energy as well as I was before being huge and pregnant. But part of it is him. He is growing and changing and becoming independent! This is uncharted territory for me. So I find myself yelling more than I like and it seems like I am constantly nagging him and getting onto him. I am feeling so out of my element and because all the tactics that I used to use are now futile I just seem to be scrambling about like a crazy person. There is a part of me that knows this is yet another phase and we will get through this and figure it out. Landy is still an awesome and sweet little boy. Thank God that just today he told me I was his beautiful princess! But this other part of me where my deepest fears live sometimes get the best of me and I doubt everything.

So, as I am thinking about the new year and new year's resolutions I don't want to have a bunch of unrealistic expectations. I want to try to focus on balance and grace. I need to realize that the "perfect mom", "perfect friend", "perfect wife", etc don't exist. The allusion of them may exist in my mind but the funny thing is the more I strive for those ideals the crazier I make myself and thus the people around me are affected by my insanity. I remind myself that Jesus doesn't want me going down that rabbit trail, that trail is full of misleading signs and detours, and rocky mountains that ultimately lead to the rabbit hole. And once you fall in there...some weird Alice in Wonderland stuff might go down. So my hope and prayer is I will KNOW that I am enough, that I am adequate, and that I am sufficient. My best, not my friend's best, or the neighbor's best, MY best is good enough. I know this is true for my husband and my son, it just has to be my truth. And thats the tricky part isn't it?

We can know something is the truth but to make it YOUR truth, to own it can sometimes allude us.

To embrace truth I have to deny the lies the enemy throws at me. When I am down the lies that play on repeat in my head are meant to distract me and de-rail me. Even if I lose my temper and yell I don't have to let that one action define the remainder of my day and especially not my character as a mother. If my house is messy that doesn't mean I am lazy, it means life is happening. Maybe the house is messy because memories are being made while I play with Landon. I'll take that over the smell of pine-sol any day. For every perceived failure or mistake I'll think of five things I've done right. And when all else fails and I am at my wits end I will pray to the only perfect parent; my heavenly Father. When I can't give myself grace He will. When I am down He will pick me up. Where I fall short He will make up the difference. When the lies are coming at me from every direction I know that if I listen closely He will whisper truths into my soul. When I am broken and in pieces He will restore me.

Because of Him I get to be enough.