Landon, you turned ten this year, I can't believe I've known you for an entire decade...
The word decade sounds so formal and seems to have such a weighty substance to it.
On your actual birthday you were quick to remind me that in eight years you'll be leaving me, and just like that you had my heart doing somersaults in my chest. When you saw the look of horror on my face, your face broke into a huge smile. It was the kind of smile that actually makes your eyes crinkle and your whole face light up in a very sly and mischievous way. This little sly smile of yours seems to be making an appearance more and more, as you get older and craftier. Thank goodness for that smattering of freckles that dusts your nose to keep you resembling my little boy while the rest of you seems to be outgrowing all of your clothes and shoes. You are all arms and legs now!
I have been writing you these birthday letters for 6ish years now and this year I will be honest and admit that I am STRUGGLING to write words. Hence it is November 19th and I still have not finished this letter. This year feels like nothing has really changed YET I sense that you are on the precipice of change that I am not ready for. I think that by putting to words all of the thoughts in my mind about you and this amazing decade we have had together also makes me think about what the future holds. And I really am so excited for the future but saying goodbye to the little boy Landon is not something I look forward to.
I guess lately I have begun to have this very real awareness that we are coming to the end of a season and are about to enter into a new one. For now I am trying to soak up these in-between days and I don't want them to end. I think I am realizing that we are in our Indian Summer days with you as you walk that fine line between boyhood and becoming a young man. More and more I am seeing the juxtaposition of you as a little boy and the young man you are growing into and as a mom that can be a little hard to reconcile. Here are just a few highlights and favorite examples of seeing these two different aspects of your amazing personality side by side.
You can still be found playing with your plastic army men and orchestrating epic battles with your little brother. And just when I think I can breathe easy because you are still playing make believe games I come across a list of actual historical battles you had written out from a WWII book you are reading. And lately you've taken to watching documentaries about war and it's just all so grown up of you. I know that some day when you and your brother are battling it out with Sergeant Plastico will be your last day you play with your army men and I just feel like that date should be observed. The thing is I won't know, and you won't know it's the last day...it will just be and it will pass unceremoniously so and that makes me sad.
I sometimes hear you and your brother laughing hysterically over the most ridiculous show in the world; Larva, and I think to myself "he's still my little guy". I get all comfortable thinking I've got so much time before you start being all teenagery. You still like to sleep with your bedroom door open and the hall light on, and you still love for me to read your favorite childhood bedtime stories. The "special books" are what we call them. And then just like that, your dad sends me pictures of you putting together and hanging a book shelf for me and I am reminded of how capable and smart you are. Someday you will be a man hanging pictures, building shelfs, and installing new toilet seats for your own wife!
Another one of my favorite little boy qualities about you is your love and obsession with stuffed animals. It borderlines on insane....you cried the other day because I wouldn't buy you a stuffed pig. It wasn't you being bratty because you weren't getting a toy it was like you had bonded with a real live animal and you were just genuinely sad. And then two days later I get a text from your dad with a picture of you looking like a man while you proudly hold your first kill from the duck hunt he took you on. Later when dad recounted the hunt for me he told me you were so excited that your voice was cracking. This was definitely a coming of age moment for you and I am glad it's a memory you and your dad will always share.
Most recently you started to ask me some questions about the reality of Santa... I sort of felt sick at where I was sensing the conversation leading. You told me you wanted the truth. I asked you, "What if the truth isn't what you want it to be? Are you prepared for that?" You said that you were and so I told you the truth. You cried a little and so did I. But, when I explained to you that you could help create the magic for your brother you got so excited and in true Landon fashion you immediately began talking about all of your plans for this upcoming Christmas season. Now when we talk about Santa you secretly look at me and wink and I love that you love being in on the magical Christmas secrets with us. I had planned on letting you believe this year and then I was going to tell you the truth if you didn't ask.
Now, as I am literally writing this you came into my room and asked me if the tooth fairy is real? You said, "I want the truth". So, I opened my top dresser drawer and pulled out my tooth collection.
"I am the tooth fairy." You just smiled at me kind of knowingly and asked if you could look at your old drawings and school projects that I have saved. See what I mean, Landon? Sweet little boy one minute and serious young man the next.
I hope these warm Indian Summer days drag out a little longer, although I'm sure I'll never be quite ready for the change in season. I know you'll lead the way because that is who you are and I'll enjoy the ride even when you take the reins. I love you to the moon and back!
