Stop & Smell the Roses: January 2019

mar·vel

/ˈmärvəl/

to be filled with wonder or astonishment

I have found that since becoming a mother I have ample opportunity to marvel at my life. Daily even! There are so many times my husband and I will look at each other and just laugh because there are no words.

For instance...

Never in my life did I think one day I would wake up to find the carrot container on our guest bed with the lid removed and right smack in the middle of all the carrots a chewed up and spit out pile of carrots. Courtesy of Logan

I knew one day I would take my boys to the movies and share delicious and hot buttery popcorn while being magically transported to another world because of Disney. What I did not imagine taking place on this perfect afternoon out was taking a drink of my refreshing ice water only to find my mouth full of chewed up popcorn back wash...And there was no choice but to swallow.

Courtesy of Logan

I could imagine that at various points in my life my kids behavior might embarress me. I feel like that is kind of a given. But, I never thought my 2 year old would scream and tell me I'm a butthole in the middle of Target...

How does a 2 year old even know that word you might wonder...

Thanks to an older brother he is wise beyond his years in many ways.

Some times it's a good thing and then other times, not so good...

I didn't know that one day I would write a beautiful and eloquent song that my children would love entitled; Farty McGarts.

I didn't know that if I left tomatoes out on the counter that my son would take his teenage mutant ninja turtle sword and stab all of them because they are bad guys basically rendering my tomatoes useless. Courtesy of Logan

I used to wonder about parents who had kids that wrote on walls with markers, like; who LETS their kids do that, WHERE is the supervision....Then I had Logan.

I didn't ever expect to come home and find bites taken out of all the brand new apples I bought...THAT DAY. Courtesy of Logan

I never thought I would be effected by postpartum depression. I didn't know what hopelessness was until I experienced that. I didn't know that your own mind and thoughts could betray you and make you believe your family would be better off without you. I never thought I would understand why people decide to end their lives until I experienced having my mind and emotions hi-jacked. Some women aren't so lucky and postpartum depression steals their lives and my heart breaks for them and their families.

I'm so glad that on the other side of that hopelessness is my life's greatest joy.

Seriously, my children are the best thing I have ever done.

No career accolades or epic journey to "find" myself could ever compare to motherhood. And I marvel at how lucky I am that I get to be one of the most influential people in my boy's lives.

After gym date at Starbucks

Being a mom has allowed me to experience every range of emotion on this planet. I've been on the peaks of mountain tops and in some pretty deep valleys too. I've been tangled up in thorny vines and even fallen into a pit or two. I've flown high in the skies and also been pounded by the storms of life that I imagine look like raging seas. We moms don't let the storms of life drown us.

We've got people who need us. A really smart fish named Dory once said;

"When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do...Just keep swimming"!

I think the thing I love about women and moms the most is how fierce our love is. Because even when we don't have anything left to give we find a way to get it done. It may not always look pretty but we are closers. We are mama's, hear us roar! Also, as The Boss Baby says; "cookies are for closers" so get yo-self a cookie! And keep on keeping on, its what we do.

Okay, now that I've proven I'm a feminist despite my conservative beliefs ;) I can get to what this post is really about!

You might have noticed Logan's named popped up quite a few times for instances when there are no words...Thats because its that time again...

Birthday post time and Logan is 3!

The theme for this post was actually super easy to come up with because my little dude is OBSESSED with Spiderman. If you remember last year it was all about the horses. He has graduated to full blown super hero status. So thank you Stan Lee and Marvel comics for inspiring another little boy to believe in himself and to dream big and maybe even impossible dreams but to dream none the less!

Just a side note: When choosing the name Logan it partially won because hello, Wolverine! I didn't realize this but he is also associated with Marvel comics. Kind of an uncanny coincidence.

When I think about Logan and who he is and his place in our family I really do marvel at it all, at him. He is a force to be reckoned with. Just ask his PawPaw...

poor guy got sucker punched in the face last time he visited. PawPaw and him were wrestling and I guess PawPaw thought they were finished. Logan didn't get that memo! Sometimes Logan gets a little carried away so we have taken away his rights to watch Spiderman for a little while.

For those of you who don't know; Logan is my rainbow baby and truly I believe a gift from God and God's timing is nothing short of miraculous. I was devastated when I found out I lost the baby between Landon and Logan.That baby was a SURPRISE but of course we were happy anyway. So at 12 weeks when they couldn't find a heartbeat I think something in me broke. I don't know how to explain it any better that that.

That sweet baby was supposed to make his or her debut the summer of 2015. In fact my sweet niece was getting married within days of my due date so I wasn't even going to be able to make the wedding and we were thinking my husband might have to miss out too which was sad to contemplate but you know how babies can be, they come when they are ready. Obviously we were able to attend her wedding and I am grateful for that. In fact, me and my sister in law were the one's who got to plan her bachelorette party so that was super cool. I will say despite the joyous occasion knowing that my angel baby's due date was coming up was hard for me. I couldn't help but feel cheated. And of course I was imagining what life would have been like had that pregnancy progressed. We should have been welcoming a new addition to our family. I was heart-broken. Before we left for the wedding festivities I took a pregnancy test because my "cycle" seemed off if you get my drift ;)

And just like that...there was a plus sign and the promise of a new addition to our family after all. I know Logan isn't a replacement but he was hope for me, and a very welcomed distraction. Landon says that maybe Logan was our baby that went to heaven but maybe God gave him back to us. I know that with God anything is possible and it is kind of sweet to imagine that.

When I was pregnant with Logan I was so scared that when he came I wouldn't have enough love for him and Landon. I was afraid I would favor Landon because he had already claimed my heart. I was afraid I would forever compare the two and that Landon would be the measuring stick Logan would be graded by.
Again, as has happened to me so many times I was astonished by the capacity at which I have to love both boys wholly and separately with all of my heart. I love and celebrate their differences. One is not better, just different and I am so glad and relieved at their differences. It's the differences that make them so special and unique. And it is so interesting to me how they can be SO alike and so strikingly different at the same time.

Here is a snapshot of who you are sweet Logan!

You are so very energetic. And sometimes you drain me but at night when I am praying I thank God for your energy because it means you are so strong and healthy. You don't need less energy I need more patience! I don't want to ever water down who you are. There is a fine line between doing that and smoothing off rough edges and teaching and training you up. Sometimes I blur those lines a little but I am getting better and will do better!

You could watch Spiderman 3 times a day every day and still love it! You even repeat lines and re-enact scenes. I love that you are my Peter Parker and I get to be your Mary Jane Watson for a little while. I call Landon my Peter Pan and you get so mad when he calls me his Wendy! It's hysterical!

"Her is NOT Wendy. Her IS Mary Jane Watson"

So, I have to secretly look at Landon and wink at him because you don't know this yet but I can be both and that doesn't make me any less Wendy or Mary Jane.
At this point you don't like to share me a whole lot and I know its a phase so I'm trying to enjoy it and not be too exhausted by being "the one"...your one.
We recently realized that both you and Landon's nicknames have the initials "PP".
Peter Parker and Peter Pan
Sometimes when I'm feeling silly I say "goodnight PP1, goodnight PP2" and you and Landon laugh hysterically because you know, PeePee.

At night when we pray you pray for God to help Jesus, and to help mama, and Landon, and "Uncle Ben" and "Harry".

FYI, you don't actually have an Uncle Ben and Daddy is not actually Harry but I love that in your mind you really are Spiderman. You do shoot webs, you can climb walls, you do get the beautiful girl, you are a super hero and get to save the day.

You recently started pre-school and you love it! You have all kinds of little friends and like I knew you would you have adjusted well and found your little place. Everyone who meets you loves you and comments on how funny and sweet you are. You are so smart and have had great command over language from a young age! It might have something to do with a big brother who loves to talk and tell stories, and ask thousands of questions!

You have a wonderful imagination and LOVE to be with your big brother doing big brother things. You are super brave and tough but also sensitive. Girls love strong men who aren't afraid of their emotions! Oh, you also LOVE to color, mostly pictures from your Spiderman coloring book. You are seriously the best colorer for your age! You take your time and are so neat.
You also love to paint and play with play-doh.

You drive me crazy because you are always MIXING the colors...AARGH!

One of my biggest pet peeves. I've gotten much better though, I don't want to steal your creative joy.

You went through this little phase where you wanted me to draw a spider bite along with a spider on your hand with markers where Peter Parker was bitten before his transformation. You loved showing it off and re-enacting the scene where Peter changes into Spiderman! I never want to forget these silly little things that make you you.

You with play-doh..probably laughing maniacally bc you are mixing the colors

In the last 6 months you have had stitches or "itches" 3 times. The first time Landon was trying to help you at the bowling alley and instead caused you to drop and then fall onto the bowling ball thus busting your chin open. I wasn't there, as classy as this sounds I was out getting a tattoo with Miss April and daddy didn't tell me how bad it really was. Anyway, I felt so horrible for not being there with you so the very next day you obliged me and busted your stitches open because you were climbing around being a boy. So back to the hospital it was. Then just a few weeks ago you hit your brother with a toy knife or "naf" as you call it and in retaliation he decided he would throw the naf in the general direction of your face! Before I even realized you were gushing blood I took off after your brother to "get that butt" as I so fondly refer to spankings. Gasp! Yes, I occasionally spank my children.
When I turned around to comfort you I saw the blood and knew it was going to be another round of "itches".
You got a real kick out of telling people your brother threw a naf at your head and there was a brief moment when I thought I might have to have a sit down with social services...Anyway, I imagine that one day when you and Landon are older obviously you will be best friends and teasing each other will be a daily part of your dynamic. And I just know that you will hold this story over Landon's head for the rest of your lives. I imagine hearing it retold through the years from both of your perspectives and Im sure that the naf will get bigger and the amount of blood that was spilled will grow depending on who is telling the story and whether or not the audience includes teenaged girls you're trying to impress.

Itches Round 1

Itches Round 3 your face after you pushed the "call nurse" button when I told you not to...Rotten

Your "tough guy" face

You are already naturally super athletic and co-ordinated so I think sports are definitely in your future. Don't tell Landon but I imagine because he is SO competitive and gets SO mad if he doesn't excel immediately I can see you just having the natural ability and talent and driving him insane but in a good brotherly competitive way.

Already trying to be a baseball player like Landon

When I read over the post from your birthday last year I realize in many ways you are the same. You are just more "you" if that makes sense. Your grip on who you are is getting firmer and you are stepping boldly into who you are. Last year I wrote about how I was excited to play the infinities game with you and Landon.
I was excited about how interesting and fun it would be. Let me tell you, you do not disappoint. You were born to play this game with me and Landon. And just like with Landon I let you win because I know deep down I love you infinitely more than you can ever know or imagine.

I know I will continue to Marvel at the little boy you are. I love who you are, I couldn't have asked for a better boy. Even if I tried to imagine you and create you and pick and choose your qualities I could have never created the marvelous masterpiece you are. I am so glad you are made in God's image and not mine.

I love you infinity of all the spiderwebs that have ever existed, that do exist, and will ever exist!

Happy Birthday Spiderman!
Here are some more of my favorite pictures from the last year!