Makers of Memories

Over the last 6 months I have given more thought to my relationship with my mother than ever before. I recently found out about the loss of someone very special to me; a woman I deeply admired and respected and even loved. She was also a mother to two young women and I wonder what mother's days are like for them...and not just mother's day, but everyday. And what about the big days in their futures? What about graduations, weddings, the birth of their own children, you know; the day they themselves become mothers? And what about the days when life gives them more than they can handle and all they want is their mom? My heart absolutely breaks for them.

In the last year I have also developed relationships with other women MY age who have lost their mothers too soon to scary words like cancer and other illnesses. Maybe most devastating of all was finding out my best friend in the whole world was diagnosed with cancer last year. By the way, she is a mother. She has two beautiful children and a husband who need her around for the next 50 or so years. If I think about it too much I feel like I can't breathe so I can only imagine the dark places my friend has gone in her mind. So, because none of us are promised tomorrow I just have a few thoughts about my mom. I want to love her like I'm going to lose her. The lyrics from the song below perfectly capture the way I want to love not just my mother but all the important people in my life.

"Like I'm Gonna Lose You"
Meghan Trainor

In the blink of an eye
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know

Mom, this post is for you and inspired by you.

A beautiful soul

Moms are the makers of memories. Its what they do in a million different ways. Mostly its all behind the scenes and seemingly invisible. Much of what goes into making those memories may go unnoticed and maybe even unappreciated. Of course none of this is intentional its just part of the calling of motherhood. Its the choices moms make everyday to love and care for their littles. Its the snotty noses they wipe day in and day out, its the hundreds and maybe even thousands of diapers they change. Its kisses for scrapes and bumps and bruises. Its cooking meals day in and day out and worrying about the nutritional value of EVERYTHING. Its baths, and bedtime stories, and prayers. Its songs sung by moonlight when they are tucking in their babes. Its snuggles and tickle fights. Its ENDLESS amounts of laundry and cleaning only to have everything undone in a matter of minutes. Its answering ten thousand questions sometimes more than once! Its endless "are we there yets". Its creating a magical and beautiful childhood on a shoestring budget. Its many sleepless nights that don't end with the infant stage.

I imagine sleep eludes mothers intermittently throughout their lives. If it isn't nighttime feedings, upset tummies, or bad dreams its teenagers learning to spread their wings and waiting for them to come home safely to the nest. It might be mamas knowing its finals week in college and they are plagued by the anxiety that keeps their not so little one up at night. It might be a mama worried about her youngest going through the brutal-ness that is ARMY basic training. And just like that her little boy becomes a soldier in the blink of an eye. It might be a mama who is awaiting the birth of her babie's baby. Whatever life throws our way whether its our highest highs or our lowest lows if you're lucky your mom is celebrating every victory at every peak but she's right there in the valley too.
Wherever you go she is willing to walk with you.

The thing is when you love someone more than you love yourself the things that make or break them make or break you too.

One of the things I love about moms is their ability to keep on giving of themselves in every way imaginable; physically, mentally, emotionally, and when they are sure they have nothing left to give they go on and give some more...and its funny but even the moments you think you hate you actually love because isn't that what unconditional love is..

When you become a mother you lose a piece of yourself but what you gain is bigger than you could ever have imagined. Being a mom means you won't always be noticed but you will become the noticer. You will notice everything, and you will sweat the details because the details are where its at...thats where the memories are made. You will wonder if you got it right, were you, NO; ARE you enough, did you get it right, could you have done better.... And inevitably you can't get it all right....but moms, they keep on trying anyway...
Thats the thing about moms, they never stop giving and trying. They are fierce that way.

I think often mothers are too hard on themselves. I think they tend to focus on their own perceived shortcomings and mistakes. And it really isn't fair because hindsight is always 20/20 and sometimes when you look back on different situations you have a different kind of clarity because you aren't in the middle of whatever mess or disaster life was giving you. The fact is, when you feel like you are sinking you do the best that you can to stay afloat. Sometimes treading water while you wait for a rescue boat is all you can do. Maybe you can't always be the one doing the saving. That's an enormous amount of pressure to put on one's self. I guess thats just what moms do. We want to be everything for everyone ALL the time.

My childhood wasn't all sunshine and roses BUT when I reflect back on my childhood its the sunshine and roses that come to mind. If I could go back and be a kid again I totally would. I think I have my mom to thank for that!

Mom, you might not have got it all perfect and none of us can but man, the parts you got right were SPOT ON. You were a fun mom, and you were and are the perfect mom for me. When I think of the kind of mom you were I am overcome with love and gratitude for you.

You made us..US. Its like if our family was a universe you were at the center of it all keeping us aligned.

You read us stories, and prayed with us, I remember you singing me songs and tickling my back. I know that at the end of a long day with THREE kids that was you giving us an invaluable piece of yourself.
You are the kind of mom that cooked dinner every night and made eating together as a family a priority. Dinner time was sacred and so much fun, and its a tradition that matters to me to this day! When I think of our family I remember a whole lot of dancing and belly laughing. You and dad showed us it was okay to be real and even silly. ESPECIALLY silly might be a more accurate description.

Mom, if I think about it you were the icing on the cake, the cherry on top, the zest, the flair, the caramel drizzle, the whip cream on the pie...You were the pizazz and by the way I can't play the game of Yahtzee with anyone else and NOT be disappointed! No one yells Yahtzee like you.
You always were the one thing that made everything better. You are the ultimate enhancer and binder of our family. I don't know how you did it but my childhood was truly magical. And I know that isn't an accident or coincidence. Its the million little things you did and said everyday. Its those tiny details and thoughts you put into things that maybe at the time seemed small or insignificant but I assure you; all those little deposits of love, time, attention, and acts of service made a priceless impact on my life.

I love you more than you know and hope that one day my kids can say some of the same things about me as their mother. Thank you for setting the bar so high!

Mom when I think about you being just a kid yourself I admire you even more!

How could you not love me

4 Generations of strong women

I love this picture!

It may not be me and you mom but this perfectly captures the kind of mom you are and the kind of mom I hope to be

Nailing Knee Slides & TNT

So, imagine my surprise when I opened my refrigerator and saw an ugly green pig sneering at me while posted up against a box of TNT like he owned the place. Oh, I should mention an egg was involved....Landy is obsessed with angry birds and is constantly wanting to play with the eggs in our refrigerator so the pigs can steal them. I agreed to boil ONE egg for him and that could be the ONE egg he is allowed to play with. I guess once that playtime session was over he staged a heist in my refrigerator. I just LOVE the evidence of the best parts of my life all throughout my house...even in the unlikeliest of places.

Having boys is everything I thought it would be and nothing like I imagined all at the same time.

For instance...

The term "knee slide" is new to me. Apparently it's how Landon spends a good part of his time while at pre-school; mastering knee slides. I've never given a whole lot of thought about the very physical and exhausting antics of little boys. Actions that I just assumed are random bursts of energy surging through their bodies resulting in "ninja" kicks and furious fists flying through the air (among other things that exhaust me to think about) are in fact not random at all.

There is a beautiful artistry to these seemingly random flailing movements, at least in the minds of boys. I love the way their minds work and the way they see the world. I love the collection of rocks, sticks, acorns, and occasional dandelion (he knows I love them) that always seem to find their way home with us because my little boy sees something special. Lets hope that doesn't translate to snakes and frogs later in life!

Back to knee slides...They are exactly how they sound. You run full speed and then fall to your knees to see how far you can slide with your momentum. This explains a lot.. The number of pants he has destroyed in the last few months is astonishing. All of his jeans, khakis, you name it have holes in the knees. Myles is the alpha male in his class who has been mentoring him in the art of knee slides. According to Landon; Myles is also the biggest and fastest boy in their class.

Thank You Myles.

It was starting to get to the point where even his "good" pants for school were getting their fair share of  FLOOR time. I was starting to feel pretty embarrassed about his rapscallionesque (is this a word) appearance for school. At least for now that look is cute on him AND It's basically a battle I know I can't win and admitting defeat seems logical!

Besides, its awesome when he is in his own little kung-fu Landy world practicing his "moves" and I hear him mutter under his breath "nailed it". The thing is, he legitimately thinks he has reached super hero status. And not just according to him or the biased mom standard...
In his mind he may as well be Jet Li. I love his confidence and the fact that he isn't afraid to imagine big.

He loves to show me how strong and formidable he is. I realize how important this kind of imaginative play is for his well being. The way he sees himself and the way his dad and I view him will help shape him into a strong and formidable man. A man who knows who and what he is and maybe more importantly who and what he isn't.

For the record, super heroes got nothing on Landon!

Here's to nailing the knee slide!

Just Landon being strong and formidable

Nuts on a Sundae

How is it possible that I've known you for a year? ONE year can't possibly be a long enough span of time for me to love you as fiercely as I do and yet you've done it...you have captured my heart. The thing is, you keep on capturing it; over and over again. I am completely undone by this fierce mama love. Its an undignified kind of love which is actually quite beautiful when you think about it.

You know what they say...you can't have a rainbow without the rain. You son; are my rainbow baby. You are hope to me..and let me tell you, I was scared to hope for you. In fact, I was scared to love you. You are a force to be reckoned with that's for sure and I know this...I LOVE that about you!

I should have known you would be some kind of extra special....I found out I was pregnant with you during the time I would have been due with Landy's little brother or sister. The hope of your arrival was a welcomed distraction. I wasn't looking for the rainbow in the midst of my storm but there you were.

As I said, I was scared to love you...Those first 12 weeks were torture. When I had my 12 week ultrasound I cried tears of relief and joy when I saw you there...so much potential that I couldn't wait to meet. SPOILER ALERT.... you do not disappoint!

My pregnancy with you was fairly nondescript. When you got big enough that I could feel your movements they became a great source of comfort for me. Thankfully you were extremely busy so I never really had to wonder if you were okay in there. Of course, an active baby has its drawbacks...I thought Landon's kicks were bad....you put your brother to shame. I literally swore on multiple occasions that you were feet down river dancing on my bladder!

Fast forward to 39 weeks and 6 days......"WHY child are you not co-operating...." I was so desperate I ingested castor oil.

It.Was.Awful.

Oh, and did I mention....NOTHING happened! Yeah, so there was that...

My 40 week appointment was scheduled for the next day and I already knew I was going to ask to be induced. NONE of my shoes fit, I actually had to send your dad out for size 11, let me repeat....SIZE 11 shoes because my feet had grown two sizes in WIDTH alone. My feet and ankles were unrecognizable. Also, I didn't know there was such a thing as pregnancy carpal tunnel but I got that too...

mothers are supposed to say that it was all so worth it..heres the truth; it totally was!

Here's the ironic part about this whole situation, you were actually feet down river dancing on my bladder as I suspected! I would find this out in the 30 seconds it took for my doctor to do an in office ultra-sound....Why they couldn't perform this menial task in the weeks prior I'll never know....Trust me, I was PISSED! It was good to finally have an explanation for why things didn't seem to be progressing. Oh, the fact that you were breach also means that castor oil was never going to do a thing for me....This also PISSED me off!

Suddenly I felt terrified. A C-section was not part of MY plan. I had everything kind of laid out in my mind. A vaginal delivery was all I knew so thats what I was prepared for; mentally and physically. This is going to sound so dramatic but I was scared of dying. I was scared of leaving behind Landon and never getting to meet you. Maybe it is dramatic but I think mothers can't help but go there sometimes. Its funny, I suppose the fear of dying is ranked right up there next to speaking in public, but having kids adds in a whole new dimension. I don't even care about dying as long as I get to see you grow up. Thats life though, because I know as soon as I see you reach adulthood I'll say just let me see my sons find love. Then I'll say, death can't find me until I see them experience having their own children. And then the cycle will repeat because of course I'll want to see my grand-babies grow up..Death is a cumbersome thing I think.

You know what it is, having kids raises the stakes; you're all in.

In hind-site that C-section was probably a good call since you were just shy of 10 POUNDS!!
The first thing you did (even before your cried) to make your grand entrance was peeing everywhere. I couldn't see what was going on but everyone was talking about it. Apparently you are on par with Old Faithful...Proud mommy/daddy moment! Just like that those warm hot persnickety tears were back again. Any fear I had about loving you ceased to exist. When they handed you to your daddy I begged the nurses to free one of my arms so I could touch you. In that moment I needed you like my lungs needed air.

Once I was in recovery and got to hold you I felt like I was untouchable. It's like nothing else in the world mattered in those moments when I was holding you against my chest. Your weight, your smell, your sounds...it was like that was all I needed for the rest of my life. Meeting your baby for the first time is the ultimate high I imagine...I say that because its otherworldly, maybe supernatural is a better word. The words are just out of reach because I think its impossible to capture and describe that much love coming to fruition.

I imagine lots of parents doubt their capacity for love, I know I did. I was so afraid I wouldn't love you as much as I love Landon. I was afraid that instead of "celebrating" your differences I would only "notice and compare" them. My small mind couldn't grasp the infinite possibility of a mother's love. By the way, you should know loving you just as you are was and is this thing that just happens..like it is the only way it could ever be. I wasted a lot of time worrying about something that for me was impossible all along.

Let me tell you about YOU

You are wonderful and you amaze me. You are too good for this world. I know you will dream big dreams and do big things. I can not wait to see who you become. I get glimpses of this person sometimes but their just tiny pieces for now. I know each version will just get better and better. You remind me of your brother in lots of ways, but I like to take note of the things that are uniquely you.

You will not be stopped, you will always find a way. And, you won't be afraid if no one else can see things your way. Even if it means falling a little to get where you want to be.

You want what you want and you know what that is.

You don't have time for rest because you are too busy finding your place in this world. In other words....you hate naps!

You are fiercely independent. This will most definitely serve you well in the future. For now it sure makes for messy dinners. If wearing food was a trend you would be whatever top designer is cool now....like the Dolce and Gabbana of sweet potatoes....

You will have important things to say...I can already see you have a proclivity for words and communication. Let's just say...you know how to make yourself heard!

You are a brave; meaning you already take risks that terrify me as a mother....you will be my kid with the stitches and broken bones....I know you'll have fun earning every one of your scars that you will one day impress girls with.

For now (and thats saying a lot because I can't wait to know you even more) my favorite thing about you is your absolute love of laughter! I can tell you genuinely LOVE to make us laugh. You absolutely delight in making your brother or your dad and I laugh (but especially your big brother). You soak it up and I can see it all over your face. You might just be doing something silly because thats what you do and who you are BUT, if you hear the slightest snicker of a laugh its on... You are relentless in your pursuit of laughter. I hope this part of you never changes....even if that means I get phone calls from your school one day because you are the class clown.

This is one of the things that make you...you.

You are nuts on a Sundae! Never stop being you.
Happy 1st birthday to the boy who makes me laugh.

"And she loved a little boy very very much-even more than she loved herself" The Giving Tree

To the Infinities....

It finally happened and it only took 5 years.... Landon turned 5 today!

It is definitely a milestone but it hasn't hit me as hard as I expected. Thank you new baby Logan. Well, not so new...he is already 8 months old! 5 years from now when he is turning 5 I'll probably have a mental breakdown! I should mention Landon has his first girlfriend...Her name is Eva...and she's a blonde....is it completely lame that I feel betrayed over hair color!! Also....they are 5!
In all seriousness she is the cutest thing and actually the first day I actually got to see who the infamous Eva was she was wearing a pink ninja turtle dress so I gotta give my little man props for good taste! According to the teachers at Pre-K he follows her around on the playground, but totally not in a creeper way! I confirmed that his attention was appreciated LOL Don't feel too bad for this momma though, Im still "his girl",  AND Im totally still going away to college with him. Of course all of this is his idea.

Tonight I tucked him in and I prayed with him like we do every night but tonight's prayer was a little different. I was and am completely overcome with gratitude for getting the wonderful privilege to know this little person that God knitted together in my womb. This little person who was fearfully and wonderfully made has brought me more happiness than I ever imagined. I thought it was important for Landon to know so I thanked God for allowing me to be his mom. I prayed that Landon would grow to be a good and strong man who looks out for others. I prayed that I would be a good and patient mama to him. Then, because apparently I can sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star like none other I had to sing that 5 times through because...DUH he's 5 now.... :) As I was walking out he said he didn't want to grow up. He wondered if God could make him a "special one" so he could stay a boy forever. My heart just melted. Landy is my Peter Pan boy and we always joke that I'm going to get my hands on pixie dust and whisk him away for adventures with pirates in Neverland. He's definitely a boy after my own heart! Anyway, his very serious question got me thinking and I just had a moment of bittersweet revelation.

People are always reminding you of how fast time goes and to cherish every moment and its true. People say these "little years" are over in the blink of an eye and it definitely feels that way. I hear mamas saying all the time kind of in jest that they wish they could keep their babies little. And then at the next stage/milestone we swear; "this is where its at." And life continues on in this pattern. Im thinking that childhood is like the onion metaphor. There is just layer upon layer and there is no end in sight. The mystery of the next layer and the future potential implores us to keep peeling back layer after layer because there is this need to get to the core. This is the journey of parenthood I guess.

A part of me wishes I could pray that God would in fact make Landon one of the "special ones" so that I could keep him little, and innocent, and safe....Oh but to think of all that wasted potential...I know Landon will do big things in this life. So, as much as I want him all to myself I want him to grow up and experience the world and more importantly for the world to experience the person that he is and who he will become. The world will be better for it, I know I am.

I love you to infinity and beyond!

Landy and I play this game to see who loves who more. So, I might say "Landy, I love you to the moon and back" and he'll say "oh yeah, I love you infinity blades of grass" and I'll say "Oh yeah, well I love you infinity grains of sand!" And on and on we go. Obviously the more ridiculous the better. And let me tell you...with a 5 year old it gets straight up crazy!

Landon, Happy 5th birthday and I love you infinity of the stars in the sky....
even the ones we can't see...yeah, definitely the ones we can't see.

Always reminds me to stop and smell the roses

The sky is the limit, dream big and ridiculous dreams. You have nothing to lose!

Those eyes, that smile...they get me every time

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling what if you fly? -Peter Pan-

My Peter Pan
So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned.
Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings forever
in never never land -Peter Pan-

"All children except one grow up" -Peter Pan-




Here's to your future Landy....Your potential is infinite....

The Weight of This World

 I think everyone can relate to the feeling of having the weight of the world on our shoulders. There are tons of inspirational quotes and images of tired looking bodies bending under the weight of the literal world globe resting precariously on their shoulders and backs. Its a universal theme. Typically it is associated with negative circumstances or life's heavier burdens. I myself have felt the anxiety and pressure of life and its sometimes unbearable weight. Would you believe me if I told you I figured it out and for the first time I can quantify with real numbers what that weight is?

Probably not...

February 1st, 2016 the weight of the world was pulled from my body. He weighed exactly 9 pounds and 7 ounces. At the time my body was being stitched back together so I wasn't having this sweet "aha" moment, I just knew I couldn't wait to hold him. This revelation about the weight of the world didn't hit me for a couple of months and when it did it was during one our many middle of the night feedings. Those are the magic hours, when I'm deliriously sleepy and happy and content at the same time. Many times I am so exhausted I fall asleep as my baby nurses. Sometimes he falls asleep in my arms, other times I'll wake up and look down to see him looking at me. Sometimes he's smiling like he was just patiently waiting for me to see him. One night during our magic hour I was noticing his smells and sounds and I started thinking about his weight and how solid he felt in my arms.
The pressure of his little body in my arms got me thinking about my role as the most influential woman in his life and my responsibilities to him as his mother. I remember being overcome with this feeling of deep love and gratitude for his life. The pressure I felt to be good and to do good in my role as his mother was enormous but the burden of it felt so light.
I realize one of my callings in this life is to raise this tiny helpless baby into a strong young man of sound character. I want him to be a man of integrity who loves Jesus and therefore loves people. This is by far the most important duty I will ever be charged with and I'm strangely feeling emboldened.
Ive been thinking and reflecting and trying to make sense of how such a heavy responsibility can feel so light and I kept thinking about a verse in Matthew.

Matthew 11:30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Obviously Jesus never promised His followers and easy or care free life. Really its quite the opposite. Following Jesus requires submission and self denial on many levels. BUT, when we align our lives and hearts with God's will something on the inside changes and we are never the same. That inward change is what makes all the difference, it makes us desire our lives to be His.

What does that mean?

For me it means when my four year old challenges me daily, or on the nights I wish I didn't have to be up feeding my adorable baby, and life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, and I hate myself for being a crappy mom, wife, friend, sister, person....  I know that I can and will do better. When I am faced with doubt and difficulties I know that because His yoke is lined with love I have the assurance of His supernatural encouragement.  I know that those moments of weakness don't define me because Jesus does. So I get to go through life with this crazy realization that I won't do it all perfect but in the end it will be right because Jesus can reconcile my mistakes and missteps. I know there will be plenty and I still feel emboldened because I  know my courage and confidence comes from a supernatural power.  Hmm...by default does that make me Super Mom?? Definitely something to ponder this Mother's Day!

I hope any mamas who take the time to read this feel encouraged. And I know Motherhood should be the definition of the weight of the world. Like; the weight of the world= MOTHERHOOD

I sincerely hope you can find the weight of your own burdens whatever they may be light.

Just some of my favorites

My whole world...In literal pounds a couple hundred!

This captures the kind of dad Austin is. We are lucky.

One of the few pics of us together.

Brotherly Love

Poor, poor Logan...Landy is obsessed with his peanut costume!

Happy Mother's Day!! LOL

Logan looks terrified and probably with good reason!

"Baby Landon" I think he was feeling left out

I came into the living room to this, and my heart fluttered.

Landon wanted to watch a movie with Logan! Weirdly I think Logan is into it!

Stolen kisses, my favorite.

Falling in love

Oh the places you'll go!

Enough

Monday I will be 36 weeks pregnant! Home stretch here I am, for better or worse I have arrived. The hard part is almost over, or is it...Yes my achy back and poor stretched out belly are about to be relieved but then a whole other part of my body has to ache and stretch to bring this baby screaming into the world! Beautiful imagery, I know...

Then surely the hard part is over. But then there are the sleepless nights and poopy diapers I get to relive. Then there will be the "terrible twos". Then, just when I think I have this parenting thing figured out it will be something else. There is one thing I know for sure. Each stage and milestone comes with their own unique sets of highs and lows. We talk about life in terms of phases, cycles, seasons, etc. Its the best way to make sense of life and to categorize and compartmentalize all of the various aspects into meaningful data that we can understand.

As this chapter of my life (mom of one) is coming to an end and the sequel (mom of two boys) is about to begin I am definitely having a lot of mixed feelings and emotions. Mostly they are excitement, gratitude, joy, and anticipation. BUT, if I am being honest I am also struggling. More than I like to admit and more than I have been willing to admit until now. I know how my life works with one child and it's been awhile since I have had an infant and I'm hoping it all comes back to me. I feel like I have so much to re-learn. I am worried about how I will split my time and attention between two kiddos. Landy and I have this incredible bond and I'm scared I'll lose it. I'm scared post part depression is lurking in the shadows waiting to steal my joy like it did when Landy was little. Seriously, every time I feel the tiniest bit emotional I swear its a sign that I already have it!! A little crazy I know...Anyway, there are just a lot of unknowns and I don't like unknowns. Alas, I have to suck it up and get ready because this ride is going with or without me!

Im not sure when I will learn to just deal with my issues head on...You would think after 30 years I would know what does and doesn't work! I try my best to bury the things I don't want to deal with and hope they will go away. They never do. They just lie there dormant waiting to strike at my psyche with a precision that takes my breath away and breaks me down to the core. Add in being tired, pregnant and emotional and its a recipe for disaster. So I shouldn't have been surprised when I finally cracked!

Wednesday happened and it felt like a tornado ripped through me. One minute I had it together and the next I was a sobbing mess. By the way, I am the queen of having it together... Not really, but at least outwardly that is what I want people to think; ALL the time. My husband knows better of course. Every now and then when life is winning I lock myself in the bedroom and cry for a good 30 minutes and then I'm good. I purge and then I move on, its actually quite therapeutic. I hate that my husband even knows this about me. Im not sure why I care so much....I think I just hate admitting that anyone or anything (life's circumstances included) can get at me in an emotional way. I feel out of control and Im pretty sure no one enjoys feeling that way. Anyway back to Wednesday......I sent this text to my husband at 10:51 AM "Please get home soon so I can get some time away. I need some space from Landon."

Yes, in my mind this was the text heard 'round the world. It was a public declaration that I didn't have it together and I was failing. It was a cry for help. It was admitting defeat and failure. I even felt like I was betraying Landon because God forbid I need space... I HATED that I had to ask my husband for help. I semi had it together until I started typing this out. As I was typing the message and preparing to send it my dormant anxiety and stress saw my moment of weakness and chose to attack right then and there. Suddenly my fears were being affirmed in my mind and worse, in my heart.

Immediately I just knew I was a terrible mother, I yelled too much, wasn't patient enough, had un-realistic expectations for my 4 year old, didn't play enough with Landon, allowed too much tv time, nagged too much, was lazy, was a terrible wife with a messy house...In my mind I was inadequate in EVERY way. I should mention Landon was in his room crying because I had just punished him and I was in the kitchen falling apart as I sent my desperate text.

Until the last couple of months I have felt pretty confident  in my parenting abilities and where I am at with Landon. I thought I had my little guy all figured out! Ha, I guess I'm just lucky its taken 4 years for him to decide to change up our script. Since he has turned 4 he has just really come into his own. He is so opinionated and argumentative. And the sass and attitude he can have is shocking! A part of me has been wondering if its me. Like maybe because I'm extra tired and cranky I'm just impatient. Of course this is probably part of it, I don't have my normal level of patience and I can't keep up with my little ball of energy as well as I was before being huge and pregnant. But part of it is him. He is growing and changing and becoming independent! This is uncharted territory for me. So I find myself yelling more than I like and it seems like I am constantly nagging him and getting onto him. I am feeling so out of my element and because all the tactics that I used to use are now futile I just seem to be scrambling about like a crazy person. There is a part of me that knows this is yet another phase and we will get through this and figure it out. Landy is still an awesome and sweet little boy. Thank God that just today he told me I was his beautiful princess! But this other part of me where my deepest fears live sometimes get the best of me and I doubt everything.

So, as I am thinking about the new year and new year's resolutions I don't want to have a bunch of unrealistic expectations. I want to try to focus on balance and grace. I need to realize that the "perfect mom", "perfect friend", "perfect wife", etc don't exist. The allusion of them may exist in my mind but the funny thing is the more I strive for those ideals the crazier I make myself and thus the people around me are affected by my insanity. I remind myself that Jesus doesn't want me going down that rabbit trail, that trail is full of misleading signs and detours, and rocky mountains that ultimately lead to the rabbit hole. And once you fall in there...some weird Alice in Wonderland stuff might go down. So my hope and prayer is I will KNOW that I am enough, that I am adequate, and that I am sufficient. My best, not my friend's best, or the neighbor's best, MY best is good enough. I know this is true for my husband and my son, it just has to be my truth. And thats the tricky part isn't it?

We can know something is the truth but to make it YOUR truth, to own it can sometimes allude us.

To embrace truth I have to deny the lies the enemy throws at me. When I am down the lies that play on repeat in my head are meant to distract me and de-rail me. Even if I lose my temper and yell I don't have to let that one action define the remainder of my day and especially not my character as a mother. If my house is messy that doesn't mean I am lazy, it means life is happening. Maybe the house is messy because memories are being made while I play with Landon. I'll take that over the smell of pine-sol any day. For every perceived failure or mistake I'll think of five things I've done right. And when all else fails and I am at my wits end I will pray to the only perfect parent; my heavenly Father. When I can't give myself grace He will. When I am down He will pick me up. Where I fall short He will make up the difference. When the lies are coming at me from every direction I know that if I listen closely He will whisper truths into my soul. When I am broken and in pieces He will restore me.

Because of Him I get to be enough.