Deuces Wild

Two years ago today you came into this world and into my heart and you've been leaving your mark ever since. Sometimes that mark looks like marker and pencil scribbles all over the computer. Often times its the trails of random toys you leave scattered throughout the house! Its the joy you give me when I get to see the world through your eyes, sometimes its your laugh I can hear in my head while Im falling asleep. Its the way you shamelessly flirt with all girls. Sometimes its the way your brother calls you HIS baby brother with so much pride in his voice. It's the way your dad looks at you like he cant believe how lucky we are that you are ours.
And sometimes its the way my heart skips a beat when I tuck you in at night and you tell me
"I love you too" in your super sweet baby voice...yeah, that one gets me every time.

A true trail blazer if I ever saw one

You have a legitimate love AFFAIR with horses, and its actually kind of perfect because a horse is totally your spirit animal. But not just your average horse, NO..you my love are like a wild horse and its my favorite thing about you! You are wild and free and so, so spirited. Your energy is manic and loud, and crazy, but most of all, its beautiful. You are unstoppable and this will serve you well in this world. You are unbreakable and fearless. You don't know yet what impossible means, the world is yours. I am hoping you come to realize that when it comes to the playground some things are impossible for you at this age...honestly, taking you to the park is terrifying. You want to do what all the older kids do which typically entails jumping from slides and whatever the tallest point on the playground equipment is. You aren't content to play on the "age appropriate" side. But thats you with everything, you take everything you do to the next level. You are like your dad that way. Its hard for this mama heart sometimes but I try not to hold you back if I can help myself. I find myself holding my breath a lot and just sort of cringing while I watch you taste freedom and test your limits.

I'm hoping this obsession with horses doesn't lead to bronco riding one day! Help me God if it does.

I know one thing for sure, the things that you and your brother are passionate about I want to be passionate about too. I see an interesting future for myself because helping you chase your dreams and seeing you try and sometimes fail, and hopefully mostly succeed is my dream now.
The life I imagined for myself before kids is so different and exciting. The crazy thing is if I got everything I ever THOUGHT I wanted none of it could even come close to bringing me the happiness and joy being a mother has brought me. Im thankful for this all the time. There is a song that is so special to me and one of the lyrics is; have you come to the end of yourself.. You and your brother have done that to me and its the best thing thats ever happened.
In my wildest dreams I couldn't fathom anything as good as you and Landon.
Don't get me wrong..I still have dreams and ambitions of my own and I will see them through because I think thats important for you to see and know, but my personal desires pale in comparison to what I want for you. I want to be interested in what interests you because I have this need to know you and your brother and how you guys think, and what makes you laugh, what makes you sad, mad...all of it. Thank you for giving my life a purpose that surpasses anything I could have dreamed up.

Here is just a glimpse into who you are at the ripe old age of 2...

You go to sleep talking about watching horsies, playing horsies, reading horsies and when you wake up its the first thing you talk about..."want to watch horsies" Spirit is currently your favorite, although sometimes you dabble in Heartland and Reign..The best part, Heartland and Reign are like actual dramas, almost like soap operas! Like I said, you aren't happy with "age appropriate" shows like Octonauts and Sesame Street, its always the next level with you!

You are obsessed with girls...again, not girls your age..you seem to especially love teenagers. The other day at the park you had your heart set on a sweet 10 year old girl with a pretty pink bow you couldn't stop talking about! You followed her around and tried to do everything she did. I think you were actually showing off..gotta love your tenacity! Your dad told me he took you to see the horses at Carousel Farms and when two teenaged girls walked by you gasped and said "dad look, girls"...
Mamas of girls all I can say is beware..my boy has dimples, good looks, and charm for days.
I imagine one day all of Landon's little girlfriends are just going to love his little brother...Both my boys are fiercely competitive so it should be interesting to say the least!

You are obsessed with Rocky the rocking horse that daddy used to ride when he was little. Do you calmly ride it while safely holding onto the reigns...NO!! You do "tricks" your own word.. You wear your black cowboy hat and most often you are barefoot. You like to do "jumps" and rock back and forth so hard I am just waiting for your to fly off. To date I have to say Im impressed..as far as I know you haven't been bucked off yet...unless your dad "forgot" to tell me about such an experience :)

You have an interesting knack for hoarding things you love. Sometimes the word stealing comes to mind..I have found a lego fence piece in your pants before..we were invited to a friends house and from what I gather the white lego fence piece you set your eyes on looked like a "horse fence" so you stuck it inside pants leg and when we got home and I changed you into jammies I found it...imagine my surprise! I have found pacifiers in your pant legs as well. Pacifiers are about the only thing that can compare with horses. One day it was nap time and that is typically when you get your "binky". The only problem...I couldn't find one anywhere...not to fear, you had them all stashed inside a doll house. You nonchalantly opened the front door to the doll house and reached in and grabbed like three of them. Sometimes you want the blue one, sometimes the green one in your mouth but then you prefer to sleep with the others next you you in the crib as well as one in each hand! When we go to the library you promptly gather up ALL of the toy horses AND the horse puzzle pieces. You have this one little container that you like to put them all in. It has a lid and snaps shut so you can safely transport the horses around without any other children stealing the COMMUNITY toys.

You love to do anything that gets a reaction...there for awhile you would suck on your big toe just to see me grossed out! You love to fart in the bathtub because your brother laughs uncontrollably! You love to make a big deal out of the smallest boo-boo so I have to kiss it...even especially if its your butt. By the way, yours is the only butt I will kiss! You love it when I sing "Jesus Loves Me", "Twinkle Twinkle", and my very own original "Farty McGarts"....what can I say, its a classic!

As funny and tough as you are you are incredibly perceptive and sweet. You pick up on emotion and I can already see your compassionate heart. It comes naturally to you and that is such a gift. You give the best bear hugs and kisses. Your little spirit for competition has already started shining though in the love department. You love to play the "I love you more game" with me. For the record; I'll play with you always and forever. One day you me and Landon can play the Infinities  game...that should be interesting.

Oh Logan, I could go on for days and you're only 2. You and your brother will be the greatest story I ever get to tell. You are the best parts of my life. I cant wait to see what this year brings, what lessons you will teach me, and what beautiful things you will show me.


Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I...I took the one less traveled by, 
and that has made all the difference. 
-Robert Frost-


NO, better yet...

Do not go where the path may lead, 
go instead where there is no path and leave a trail
-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

Logan, this is what you were born to do...be a trail blazer..its who you are!

The sky is the limit

Eating your big toe for attention

Probably watching "horsies"

One of the boys

you boys get me every time

seeing the world through your eyes

this was a good day

Eating chalk for a reaction

cheese

one of your famous bear hugs

always remind me to stop and smell the roses

you have my whole heart



How long will I love you
As long as the stars are above you
And longer if I may
-Ellie Goulding-

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

Yep...thats proof that Landy was kissed by a real live princess

In two days you'll be six my sweet boy! This year more than ever I am acutely aware of how quickly you are growing up. I think Kindergarten has a lot to do with that. I always knew you were bright and creative but seeing you come home with pictures you've drawn from your imagination with no influence from me and stories about how your very own day went make my heart flutter a little. Its strange having you gone for so long during the day. One day you'll understand what it is for something to be "bittersweet" and my love; thats what growing up is...at least from a mom's perspective.

Its the strangest thing because I think I know you better than anyone yet I'm learning so many new and interesting things about you everyday...like maybe I don't have you all figured out HAHA! Raising you boys is definitely proving to be my life's greatest mystery and probably the best journey I could ever hope for. That's not to say I don't get caught up in the mundane everyday tasks and sometimes  often times forget how lucky I am. That's why I'm grateful for life's little reminders (like birthdays) to slow down and take note, because I know one day I'll look back and know without a doubt that; THESE were the days.

And so, I want to try and live with that knowledge everyday...even when I'm picking up all of the hundreds of legos off the floor for the thousandth time. Or when I step on a plastic army man with bare feet, and especially when you still want me to kiss your "boo-boo's".  And when it's bed time and you still ask me to sing Twinkle-Twinkle...and you're trying to stay up late so then you ask me to sing "Raindrops on Roses" like you're being sneaky or something...I definitely want to remember THESE are the days!

Tonight after I tucked you in you said "don't worry mom, I won't sneak into your bed tonight".
I have plenty of reasons to doubt this statement, like basically every night before tonight :) so I just said; "Okay, love you". Then you told me to "make sure I dreamed about you tonight" so of course I said "I would dream about us driving race cars together" and you quickly said
"No, just dream about ALL the things we can do together"....
That pulled at my heart strings so bad I almost climbed into bed with you! Haha, but seriously, you always give me so much to ponder, and so I'm just sitting here thinking about you and all the things we can do together... So in no particular order here are just some of the highlights.

So, I know you aren't actually going to marry me 😉 but you did promise to come over every Friday night and hang out with me....So, I dream you marry the girl of your dreams and that we love her and she loves us and we actually like to hang out together and so every Friday night we get together and laugh until our sides hurt.

I dream about going to your games one day (please don't be football or hockey) and cheering you on ridiculously loud....also I'll probably buy all the parent spirit wear I can get my hands on.
HINT: If you play soccer we can talk strategy!

Since its almost Halloween and you are OBSESSED with all things spooky I dream of the day when you can go see scary movies with me and eat lots of buttery popcorn! I promise to buy you all the gummy worms you want AND I'll still share my chocolate!

I dream of the day you are reading chapter books because we can totally talk books! I promise to read what you like too! Oh, and the thought of you reading stories to Logan in the next year or two makes my heart so happy.

I dream of the day I get to watch your dad take you up for your first airplane ride...my heart will be going crazy because I know your dad is going to let you take the "wheel" so to speak HAHA
My feet will be firmly planted while you taste freedom and I love the thought of the two of you sharing a moment like that!

I dream about the days when you're old enough to have your buddies over to the house...all that energy excites me...I'll try not to embarrass you, AND I promise to have plenty of junk food around...Yes, I will bribe you with video games and cheetos if that means I get to hear your teenaged laughter in the next room.

I dream about helping you get ready for your first big dance and taking a ridiculous  cool/minimal amount of pictures with you and your date...I've only seen you enamored by a girl once and that was Cinderella at Disney Land when you were 3 so.....I think you can handle homecoming!

I dream about you becoming who you are meant to be and I can't wait to meet him...you...

Totally cheesy but I literally dream about you getting married because I can't wait for you to find the one who your soul loves...gotta throw in some Song of Solomon! Also, I dream about you and I sharing the mother/groom dance and we blow everyones minds when dance to "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" by Brenda Lee because that is our JAM! All of that of course is assuming your bride to be REALLY loves me and gets me! HAHA

I dream about the few short magical years we have left where I get the chance to prove that magic exists at Christmas time...I mean, you actually think your toys come to life at night and have epic battles!! I dream about the day when maybe you don't believe but you get to help me and your dad create that magic for Logan! I am sure your ideas will put me and your Dad's basic scenes to shame!

You are totally "ELF" Landy

I dream about having coffee with you one day and talking about life and MAYBE there won't be talk of poop, farts, or balls!! Aww, who am I kidding!

Coffee/Serious Landy

I dream about what hugging you when you are taller and stronger than me might feel like...And now I'm crying....

I dream about watching you become a father...Oh, I can't wait for that one! Also...then I can say I told you so about so many things! I especially can't wait to say; "See, I told you there is no way a kid can love their parents more than a parent loves them..." You are convinced that you win at the "infinities" argument every time. for more on the infinities

I dream about meeting your kids and just knowing them...and knowing the little family you'll create.








Gosh, I am realizing I have a lot of dreams that involve you and I. I'm pretty sure you just meant for me to dream about crazy and fun things that can maybe ONLY happen in dreams... Like slaying dragons and flying...and maybe breathing under water like mermaids and finding buried treasure...oh, and jumping from cloud to cloud in the sky like they are nothing more than giant trampolines, and then eating a ridiculous amount of Oreos and NEVER even getting sick!

Here's to dreaming big Landon. Happy Birthday my Peter Pan and I think Cinderella said it best....

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you will lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep 

This is what enamored Landy looks like... his hands give him away!

Adventuring...

And into the forest I go, to lose my mind and find my soul-John Muir










Today was delicious...It was like an ice cold lemonade on a hot Summer's day, it was the cherry on the sundae, the last piece of cake, the cookie dough your mom let you lick off the beaters when you were a kid..and maybe now as an adult you indulge too...today was just one of those good days you file away as a keeper. 

This Summer has been SO hot and humid and I've just been feeling so stifled...in every way. Mentally, emotionally, creatively and even physically. When I walked outside this afternoon I was met with my favorite kind of sunshine. You know, the kind that just barely kisses your shoulders. And instead of swamp like humidity there was the best kind of breeze, the kind that blows just enough to make your hairs tickle your nose or maybe your shoulders if its long enough! 

I decided today was a day for seizing. Its been awhile since I intentionally created an adventure day. I don't know how I forgot about the art of adventuring...Adventuring is like my jam. I used to live for finding the extraordinary in the ordinary. I realized Landy's adventure bag was hanging sad and forgotten in his closet missing the good ol' days when mysterious rocks and interesting sticks and acorns weighed him down. I wondered if the sad little bag would still smell of damp earth and sunshine.  See, I know how to adventure with Landon, he and I go way back. Logan though...he's straight up crazy and I just imagine adventuring with him will involve rolling in poison ivy and him falling (or jumping) off of a bridge into swift moving water and there are sure to be water moccasins in said water..its just so logistical now. Logan LOVES being outside BUT it has to be on his terms... I recently bought him one of those child leashes because I can't even take him for a walk in our neighborhood. I love his need for independence and wonder but it is also very dangerous! 

We dubbed this tree "Sir Nasty" due to the large fungal growth

NOTE: I tried walking him with the leash but it felt SO wrong and I imagined the thoughts of every passerby and promptly did the walk of shame home... I just don't think I have it in me to leash my kid...Its just so first world it makes me want to vomit the way that selfies and hashtags do! 

Anyway...I decided it isn't fair to take adventuring away from Landon. Besides, adventuring isn't going to look exactly the same as it did before and thats okay. Isn't that the point of adventuring..
So me and my boys set off and let me tell you it was an adventure! And it was new and different and better all at the same time. I carried Logan on my back for the first part and then once we got down the trail a ways I let him down....And guess what...He didn't get anywhere near poison ivy, and he didn't fall into a creek to his untimely death...we did however see a snake. But that was at the end of our adventure and it was a baby so... yeah, I'd say today was a success. 

Logan watched Landon carefully choose "beautiful" and "interesting" things to put in the adventure bag so by the time we let him down he was all about adding his two cents! Basically EVERY stick he saw and he had no interest in the colorful leaves...NOPE it was dead and brown leaves he was after and if they were soggy that seemed to be an added bonus! We stopped at a park where Logan met a new canine friend named Ted; who even let us rub his belly much to Logi's delight! 

The three of us walked out of the woods sweaty and hungry for more adventure. So, we just kept on adventuring and it was the best day ever and exactly what my soul needed. 

Logan is ready

I'd say Landy is ready too!

Apparently this stick looks like a claw so he is a monster...makes sense to me!

"Carpe Diem"
And we did...

Makers of Memories

Over the last 6 months I have given more thought to my relationship with my mother than ever before. I recently found out about the loss of someone very special to me; a woman I deeply admired and respected and even loved. She was also a mother to two young women and I wonder what mother's days are like for them...and not just mother's day, but everyday. And what about the big days in their futures? What about graduations, weddings, the birth of their own children, you know; the day they themselves become mothers? And what about the days when life gives them more than they can handle and all they want is their mom? My heart absolutely breaks for them.

In the last year I have also developed relationships with other women MY age who have lost their mothers too soon to scary words like cancer and other illnesses. Maybe most devastating of all was finding out my best friend in the whole world was diagnosed with cancer last year. By the way, she is a mother. She has two beautiful children and a husband who need her around for the next 50 or so years. If I think about it too much I feel like I can't breathe so I can only imagine the dark places my friend has gone in her mind. So, because none of us are promised tomorrow I just have a few thoughts about my mom. I want to love her like I'm going to lose her. The lyrics from the song below perfectly capture the way I want to love not just my mother but all the important people in my life.

"Like I'm Gonna Lose You"
Meghan Trainor

In the blink of an eye
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know

Mom, this post is for you and inspired by you.

A beautiful soul

Moms are the makers of memories. Its what they do in a million different ways. Mostly its all behind the scenes and seemingly invisible. Much of what goes into making those memories may go unnoticed and maybe even unappreciated. Of course none of this is intentional its just part of the calling of motherhood. Its the choices moms make everyday to love and care for their littles. Its the snotty noses they wipe day in and day out, its the hundreds and maybe even thousands of diapers they change. Its kisses for scrapes and bumps and bruises. Its cooking meals day in and day out and worrying about the nutritional value of EVERYTHING. Its baths, and bedtime stories, and prayers. Its songs sung by moonlight when they are tucking in their babes. Its snuggles and tickle fights. Its ENDLESS amounts of laundry and cleaning only to have everything undone in a matter of minutes. Its answering ten thousand questions sometimes more than once! Its endless "are we there yets". Its creating a magical and beautiful childhood on a shoestring budget. Its many sleepless nights that don't end with the infant stage.

I imagine sleep eludes mothers intermittently throughout their lives. If it isn't nighttime feedings, upset tummies, or bad dreams its teenagers learning to spread their wings and waiting for them to come home safely to the nest. It might be mamas knowing its finals week in college and they are plagued by the anxiety that keeps their not so little one up at night. It might be a mama worried about her youngest going through the brutal-ness that is ARMY basic training. And just like that her little boy becomes a soldier in the blink of an eye. It might be a mama who is awaiting the birth of her babie's baby. Whatever life throws our way whether its our highest highs or our lowest lows if you're lucky your mom is celebrating every victory at every peak but she's right there in the valley too.
Wherever you go she is willing to walk with you.

The thing is when you love someone more than you love yourself the things that make or break them make or break you too.

One of the things I love about moms is their ability to keep on giving of themselves in every way imaginable; physically, mentally, emotionally, and when they are sure they have nothing left to give they go on and give some more...and its funny but even the moments you think you hate you actually love because isn't that what unconditional love is..

When you become a mother you lose a piece of yourself but what you gain is bigger than you could ever have imagined. Being a mom means you won't always be noticed but you will become the noticer. You will notice everything, and you will sweat the details because the details are where its at...thats where the memories are made. You will wonder if you got it right, were you, NO; ARE you enough, did you get it right, could you have done better.... And inevitably you can't get it all right....but moms, they keep on trying anyway...
Thats the thing about moms, they never stop giving and trying. They are fierce that way.

I think often mothers are too hard on themselves. I think they tend to focus on their own perceived shortcomings and mistakes. And it really isn't fair because hindsight is always 20/20 and sometimes when you look back on different situations you have a different kind of clarity because you aren't in the middle of whatever mess or disaster life was giving you. The fact is, when you feel like you are sinking you do the best that you can to stay afloat. Sometimes treading water while you wait for a rescue boat is all you can do. Maybe you can't always be the one doing the saving. That's an enormous amount of pressure to put on one's self. I guess thats just what moms do. We want to be everything for everyone ALL the time.

My childhood wasn't all sunshine and roses BUT when I reflect back on my childhood its the sunshine and roses that come to mind. If I could go back and be a kid again I totally would. I think I have my mom to thank for that!

Mom, you might not have got it all perfect and none of us can but man, the parts you got right were SPOT ON. You were a fun mom, and you were and are the perfect mom for me. When I think of the kind of mom you were I am overcome with love and gratitude for you.

You made us..US. Its like if our family was a universe you were at the center of it all keeping us aligned.

You read us stories, and prayed with us, I remember you singing me songs and tickling my back. I know that at the end of a long day with THREE kids that was you giving us an invaluable piece of yourself.
You are the kind of mom that cooked dinner every night and made eating together as a family a priority. Dinner time was sacred and so much fun, and its a tradition that matters to me to this day! When I think of our family I remember a whole lot of dancing and belly laughing. You and dad showed us it was okay to be real and even silly. ESPECIALLY silly might be a more accurate description.

Mom, if I think about it you were the icing on the cake, the cherry on top, the zest, the flair, the caramel drizzle, the whip cream on the pie...You were the pizazz and by the way I can't play the game of Yahtzee with anyone else and NOT be disappointed! No one yells Yahtzee like you.
You always were the one thing that made everything better. You are the ultimate enhancer and binder of our family. I don't know how you did it but my childhood was truly magical. And I know that isn't an accident or coincidence. Its the million little things you did and said everyday. Its those tiny details and thoughts you put into things that maybe at the time seemed small or insignificant but I assure you; all those little deposits of love, time, attention, and acts of service made a priceless impact on my life.

I love you more than you know and hope that one day my kids can say some of the same things about me as their mother. Thank you for setting the bar so high!

Mom when I think about you being just a kid yourself I admire you even more!

How could you not love me

4 Generations of strong women

I love this picture!

It may not be me and you mom but this perfectly captures the kind of mom you are and the kind of mom I hope to be

Nailing Knee Slides & TNT

So, imagine my surprise when I opened my refrigerator and saw an ugly green pig sneering at me while posted up against a box of TNT like he owned the place. Oh, I should mention an egg was involved....Landy is obsessed with angry birds and is constantly wanting to play with the eggs in our refrigerator so the pigs can steal them. I agreed to boil ONE egg for him and that could be the ONE egg he is allowed to play with. I guess once that playtime session was over he staged a heist in my refrigerator. I just LOVE the evidence of the best parts of my life all throughout my house...even in the unlikeliest of places.

Having boys is everything I thought it would be and nothing like I imagined all at the same time.

For instance...

The term "knee slide" is new to me. Apparently it's how Landon spends a good part of his time while at pre-school; mastering knee slides. I've never given a whole lot of thought about the very physical and exhausting antics of little boys. Actions that I just assumed are random bursts of energy surging through their bodies resulting in "ninja" kicks and furious fists flying through the air (among other things that exhaust me to think about) are in fact not random at all.

There is a beautiful artistry to these seemingly random flailing movements, at least in the minds of boys. I love the way their minds work and the way they see the world. I love the collection of rocks, sticks, acorns, and occasional dandelion (he knows I love them) that always seem to find their way home with us because my little boy sees something special. Lets hope that doesn't translate to snakes and frogs later in life!

Back to knee slides...They are exactly how they sound. You run full speed and then fall to your knees to see how far you can slide with your momentum. This explains a lot.. The number of pants he has destroyed in the last few months is astonishing. All of his jeans, khakis, you name it have holes in the knees. Myles is the alpha male in his class who has been mentoring him in the art of knee slides. According to Landon; Myles is also the biggest and fastest boy in their class.

Thank You Myles.

It was starting to get to the point where even his "good" pants for school were getting their fair share of  FLOOR time. I was starting to feel pretty embarrassed about his rapscallionesque (is this a word) appearance for school. At least for now that look is cute on him AND It's basically a battle I know I can't win and admitting defeat seems logical!

Besides, its awesome when he is in his own little kung-fu Landy world practicing his "moves" and I hear him mutter under his breath "nailed it". The thing is, he legitimately thinks he has reached super hero status. And not just according to him or the biased mom standard...
In his mind he may as well be Jet Li. I love his confidence and the fact that he isn't afraid to imagine big.

He loves to show me how strong and formidable he is. I realize how important this kind of imaginative play is for his well being. The way he sees himself and the way his dad and I view him will help shape him into a strong and formidable man. A man who knows who and what he is and maybe more importantly who and what he isn't.

For the record, super heroes got nothing on Landon!

Here's to nailing the knee slide!

Just Landon being strong and formidable

Nuts on a Sundae

How is it possible that I've known you for a year? ONE year can't possibly be a long enough span of time for me to love you as fiercely as I do and yet you've done it...you have captured my heart. The thing is, you keep on capturing it; over and over again. I am completely undone by this fierce mama love. Its an undignified kind of love which is actually quite beautiful when you think about it.

You know what they say...you can't have a rainbow without the rain. You son; are my rainbow baby. You are hope to me..and let me tell you, I was scared to hope for you. In fact, I was scared to love you. You are a force to be reckoned with that's for sure and I know this...I LOVE that about you!

I should have known you would be some kind of extra special....I found out I was pregnant with you during the time I would have been due with Landy's little brother or sister. The hope of your arrival was a welcomed distraction. I wasn't looking for the rainbow in the midst of my storm but there you were.

As I said, I was scared to love you...Those first 12 weeks were torture. When I had my 12 week ultrasound I cried tears of relief and joy when I saw you there...so much potential that I couldn't wait to meet. SPOILER ALERT.... you do not disappoint!

My pregnancy with you was fairly nondescript. When you got big enough that I could feel your movements they became a great source of comfort for me. Thankfully you were extremely busy so I never really had to wonder if you were okay in there. Of course, an active baby has its drawbacks...I thought Landon's kicks were bad....you put your brother to shame. I literally swore on multiple occasions that you were feet down river dancing on my bladder!

Fast forward to 39 weeks and 6 days......"WHY child are you not co-operating...." I was so desperate I ingested castor oil.

It.Was.Awful.

Oh, and did I mention....NOTHING happened! Yeah, so there was that...

My 40 week appointment was scheduled for the next day and I already knew I was going to ask to be induced. NONE of my shoes fit, I actually had to send your dad out for size 11, let me repeat....SIZE 11 shoes because my feet had grown two sizes in WIDTH alone. My feet and ankles were unrecognizable. Also, I didn't know there was such a thing as pregnancy carpal tunnel but I got that too...

mothers are supposed to say that it was all so worth it..heres the truth; it totally was!

Here's the ironic part about this whole situation, you were actually feet down river dancing on my bladder as I suspected! I would find this out in the 30 seconds it took for my doctor to do an in office ultra-sound....Why they couldn't perform this menial task in the weeks prior I'll never know....Trust me, I was PISSED! It was good to finally have an explanation for why things didn't seem to be progressing. Oh, the fact that you were breach also means that castor oil was never going to do a thing for me....This also PISSED me off!

Suddenly I felt terrified. A C-section was not part of MY plan. I had everything kind of laid out in my mind. A vaginal delivery was all I knew so thats what I was prepared for; mentally and physically. This is going to sound so dramatic but I was scared of dying. I was scared of leaving behind Landon and never getting to meet you. Maybe it is dramatic but I think mothers can't help but go there sometimes. Its funny, I suppose the fear of dying is ranked right up there next to speaking in public, but having kids adds in a whole new dimension. I don't even care about dying as long as I get to see you grow up. Thats life though, because I know as soon as I see you reach adulthood I'll say just let me see my sons find love. Then I'll say, death can't find me until I see them experience having their own children. And then the cycle will repeat because of course I'll want to see my grand-babies grow up..Death is a cumbersome thing I think.

You know what it is, having kids raises the stakes; you're all in.

In hind-site that C-section was probably a good call since you were just shy of 10 POUNDS!!
The first thing you did (even before your cried) to make your grand entrance was peeing everywhere. I couldn't see what was going on but everyone was talking about it. Apparently you are on par with Old Faithful...Proud mommy/daddy moment! Just like that those warm hot persnickety tears were back again. Any fear I had about loving you ceased to exist. When they handed you to your daddy I begged the nurses to free one of my arms so I could touch you. In that moment I needed you like my lungs needed air.

Once I was in recovery and got to hold you I felt like I was untouchable. It's like nothing else in the world mattered in those moments when I was holding you against my chest. Your weight, your smell, your sounds...it was like that was all I needed for the rest of my life. Meeting your baby for the first time is the ultimate high I imagine...I say that because its otherworldly, maybe supernatural is a better word. The words are just out of reach because I think its impossible to capture and describe that much love coming to fruition.

I imagine lots of parents doubt their capacity for love, I know I did. I was so afraid I wouldn't love you as much as I love Landon. I was afraid that instead of "celebrating" your differences I would only "notice and compare" them. My small mind couldn't grasp the infinite possibility of a mother's love. By the way, you should know loving you just as you are was and is this thing that just happens..like it is the only way it could ever be. I wasted a lot of time worrying about something that for me was impossible all along.

Let me tell you about YOU

You are wonderful and you amaze me. You are too good for this world. I know you will dream big dreams and do big things. I can not wait to see who you become. I get glimpses of this person sometimes but their just tiny pieces for now. I know each version will just get better and better. You remind me of your brother in lots of ways, but I like to take note of the things that are uniquely you.

You will not be stopped, you will always find a way. And, you won't be afraid if no one else can see things your way. Even if it means falling a little to get where you want to be.

You want what you want and you know what that is.

You don't have time for rest because you are too busy finding your place in this world. In other words....you hate naps!

You are fiercely independent. This will most definitely serve you well in the future. For now it sure makes for messy dinners. If wearing food was a trend you would be whatever top designer is cool now....like the Dolce and Gabbana of sweet potatoes....

You will have important things to say...I can already see you have a proclivity for words and communication. Let's just say...you know how to make yourself heard!

You are a brave; meaning you already take risks that terrify me as a mother....you will be my kid with the stitches and broken bones....I know you'll have fun earning every one of your scars that you will one day impress girls with.

For now (and thats saying a lot because I can't wait to know you even more) my favorite thing about you is your absolute love of laughter! I can tell you genuinely LOVE to make us laugh. You absolutely delight in making your brother or your dad and I laugh (but especially your big brother). You soak it up and I can see it all over your face. You might just be doing something silly because thats what you do and who you are BUT, if you hear the slightest snicker of a laugh its on... You are relentless in your pursuit of laughter. I hope this part of you never changes....even if that means I get phone calls from your school one day because you are the class clown.

This is one of the things that make you...you.

You are nuts on a Sundae! Never stop being you.
Happy 1st birthday to the boy who makes me laugh.

"And she loved a little boy very very much-even more than she loved herself" The Giving Tree

To the Infinities....

It finally happened and it only took 5 years.... Landon turned 5 today!

It is definitely a milestone but it hasn't hit me as hard as I expected. Thank you new baby Logan. Well, not so new...he is already 8 months old! 5 years from now when he is turning 5 I'll probably have a mental breakdown! I should mention Landon has his first girlfriend...Her name is Eva...and she's a blonde....is it completely lame that I feel betrayed over hair color!! Also....they are 5!
In all seriousness she is the cutest thing and actually the first day I actually got to see who the infamous Eva was she was wearing a pink ninja turtle dress so I gotta give my little man props for good taste! According to the teachers at Pre-K he follows her around on the playground, but totally not in a creeper way! I confirmed that his attention was appreciated LOL Don't feel too bad for this momma though, Im still "his girl",  AND Im totally still going away to college with him. Of course all of this is his idea.

Tonight I tucked him in and I prayed with him like we do every night but tonight's prayer was a little different. I was and am completely overcome with gratitude for getting the wonderful privilege to know this little person that God knitted together in my womb. This little person who was fearfully and wonderfully made has brought me more happiness than I ever imagined. I thought it was important for Landon to know so I thanked God for allowing me to be his mom. I prayed that Landon would grow to be a good and strong man who looks out for others. I prayed that I would be a good and patient mama to him. Then, because apparently I can sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star like none other I had to sing that 5 times through because...DUH he's 5 now.... :) As I was walking out he said he didn't want to grow up. He wondered if God could make him a "special one" so he could stay a boy forever. My heart just melted. Landy is my Peter Pan boy and we always joke that I'm going to get my hands on pixie dust and whisk him away for adventures with pirates in Neverland. He's definitely a boy after my own heart! Anyway, his very serious question got me thinking and I just had a moment of bittersweet revelation.

People are always reminding you of how fast time goes and to cherish every moment and its true. People say these "little years" are over in the blink of an eye and it definitely feels that way. I hear mamas saying all the time kind of in jest that they wish they could keep their babies little. And then at the next stage/milestone we swear; "this is where its at." And life continues on in this pattern. Im thinking that childhood is like the onion metaphor. There is just layer upon layer and there is no end in sight. The mystery of the next layer and the future potential implores us to keep peeling back layer after layer because there is this need to get to the core. This is the journey of parenthood I guess.

A part of me wishes I could pray that God would in fact make Landon one of the "special ones" so that I could keep him little, and innocent, and safe....Oh but to think of all that wasted potential...I know Landon will do big things in this life. So, as much as I want him all to myself I want him to grow up and experience the world and more importantly for the world to experience the person that he is and who he will become. The world will be better for it, I know I am.

I love you to infinity and beyond!

Landy and I play this game to see who loves who more. So, I might say "Landy, I love you to the moon and back" and he'll say "oh yeah, I love you infinity blades of grass" and I'll say "Oh yeah, well I love you infinity grains of sand!" And on and on we go. Obviously the more ridiculous the better. And let me tell you...with a 5 year old it gets straight up crazy!

Landon, Happy 5th birthday and I love you infinity of the stars in the sky....
even the ones we can't see...yeah, definitely the ones we can't see.

Always reminds me to stop and smell the roses

The sky is the limit, dream big and ridiculous dreams. You have nothing to lose!

Those eyes, that smile...they get me every time

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling what if you fly? -Peter Pan-

My Peter Pan
So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned.
Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings forever
in never never land -Peter Pan-

"All children except one grow up" -Peter Pan-




Here's to your future Landy....Your potential is infinite....