Nailing Knee Slides & TNT

So, imagine my surprise when I opened my refrigerator and saw an ugly green pig sneering at me while posted up against a box of TNT like he owned the place. Oh, I should mention an egg was involved....Landy is obsessed with angry birds and is constantly wanting to play with the eggs in our refrigerator so the pigs can steal them. I agreed to boil ONE egg for him and that could be the ONE egg he is allowed to play with. I guess once that playtime session was over he staged a heist in my refrigerator. I just LOVE the evidence of the best parts of my life all throughout my house...even in the unlikeliest of places.

Having boys is everything I thought it would be and nothing like I imagined all at the same time.

For instance...

The term "knee slide" is new to me. Apparently it's how Landon spends a good part of his time while at pre-school; mastering knee slides. I've never given a whole lot of thought about the very physical and exhausting antics of little boys. Actions that I just assumed are random bursts of energy surging through their bodies resulting in "ninja" kicks and furious fists flying through the air (among other things that exhaust me to think about) are in fact not random at all.

There is a beautiful artistry to these seemingly random flailing movements, at least in the minds of boys. I love the way their minds work and the way they see the world. I love the collection of rocks, sticks, acorns, and occasional dandelion (he knows I love them) that always seem to find their way home with us because my little boy sees something special. Lets hope that doesn't translate to snakes and frogs later in life!

Back to knee slides...They are exactly how they sound. You run full speed and then fall to your knees to see how far you can slide with your momentum. This explains a lot.. The number of pants he has destroyed in the last few months is astonishing. All of his jeans, khakis, you name it have holes in the knees. Myles is the alpha male in his class who has been mentoring him in the art of knee slides. According to Landon; Myles is also the biggest and fastest boy in their class.

Thank You Myles.

It was starting to get to the point where even his "good" pants for school were getting their fair share of  FLOOR time. I was starting to feel pretty embarrassed about his rapscallionesque (is this a word) appearance for school. At least for now that look is cute on him AND It's basically a battle I know I can't win and admitting defeat seems logical!

Besides, its awesome when he is in his own little kung-fu Landy world practicing his "moves" and I hear him mutter under his breath "nailed it". The thing is, he legitimately thinks he has reached super hero status. And not just according to him or the biased mom standard...
In his mind he may as well be Jet Li. I love his confidence and the fact that he isn't afraid to imagine big.

He loves to show me how strong and formidable he is. I realize how important this kind of imaginative play is for his well being. The way he sees himself and the way his dad and I view him will help shape him into a strong and formidable man. A man who knows who and what he is and maybe more importantly who and what he isn't.

For the record, super heroes got nothing on Landon!

Here's to nailing the knee slide!

Just Landon being strong and formidable

Nuts on a Sundae

How is it possible that I've known you for a year? ONE year can't possibly be a long enough span of time for me to love you as fiercely as I do and yet you've done it...you have captured my heart. The thing is, you keep on capturing it; over and over again. I am completely undone by this fierce mama love. Its an undignified kind of love which is actually quite beautiful when you think about it.

You know what they say...you can't have a rainbow without the rain. You son; are my rainbow baby. You are hope to me..and let me tell you, I was scared to hope for you. In fact, I was scared to love you. You are a force to be reckoned with that's for sure and I know this...I LOVE that about you!

I should have known you would be some kind of extra special....I found out I was pregnant with you during the time I would have been due with Landy's little brother or sister. The hope of your arrival was a welcomed distraction. I wasn't looking for the rainbow in the midst of my storm but there you were.

As I said, I was scared to love you...Those first 12 weeks were torture. When I had my 12 week ultrasound I cried tears of relief and joy when I saw you there...so much potential that I couldn't wait to meet. SPOILER ALERT.... you do not disappoint!

My pregnancy with you was fairly nondescript. When you got big enough that I could feel your movements they became a great source of comfort for me. Thankfully you were extremely busy so I never really had to wonder if you were okay in there. Of course, an active baby has its drawbacks...I thought Landon's kicks were bad....you put your brother to shame. I literally swore on multiple occasions that you were feet down river dancing on my bladder!

Fast forward to 39 weeks and 6 days......"WHY child are you not co-operating...." I was so desperate I ingested castor oil.

It.Was.Awful.

Oh, and did I mention....NOTHING happened! Yeah, so there was that...

My 40 week appointment was scheduled for the next day and I already knew I was going to ask to be induced. NONE of my shoes fit, I actually had to send your dad out for size 11, let me repeat....SIZE 11 shoes because my feet had grown two sizes in WIDTH alone. My feet and ankles were unrecognizable. Also, I didn't know there was such a thing as pregnancy carpal tunnel but I got that too...

mothers are supposed to say that it was all so worth it..heres the truth; it totally was!

Here's the ironic part about this whole situation, you were actually feet down river dancing on my bladder as I suspected! I would find this out in the 30 seconds it took for my doctor to do an in office ultra-sound....Why they couldn't perform this menial task in the weeks prior I'll never know....Trust me, I was PISSED! It was good to finally have an explanation for why things didn't seem to be progressing. Oh, the fact that you were breach also means that castor oil was never going to do a thing for me....This also PISSED me off!

Suddenly I felt terrified. A C-section was not part of MY plan. I had everything kind of laid out in my mind. A vaginal delivery was all I knew so thats what I was prepared for; mentally and physically. This is going to sound so dramatic but I was scared of dying. I was scared of leaving behind Landon and never getting to meet you. Maybe it is dramatic but I think mothers can't help but go there sometimes. Its funny, I suppose the fear of dying is ranked right up there next to speaking in public, but having kids adds in a whole new dimension. I don't even care about dying as long as I get to see you grow up. Thats life though, because I know as soon as I see you reach adulthood I'll say just let me see my sons find love. Then I'll say, death can't find me until I see them experience having their own children. And then the cycle will repeat because of course I'll want to see my grand-babies grow up..Death is a cumbersome thing I think.

You know what it is, having kids raises the stakes; you're all in.

In hind-site that C-section was probably a good call since you were just shy of 10 POUNDS!!
The first thing you did (even before your cried) to make your grand entrance was peeing everywhere. I couldn't see what was going on but everyone was talking about it. Apparently you are on par with Old Faithful...Proud mommy/daddy moment! Just like that those warm hot persnickety tears were back again. Any fear I had about loving you ceased to exist. When they handed you to your daddy I begged the nurses to free one of my arms so I could touch you. In that moment I needed you like my lungs needed air.

Once I was in recovery and got to hold you I felt like I was untouchable. It's like nothing else in the world mattered in those moments when I was holding you against my chest. Your weight, your smell, your sounds...it was like that was all I needed for the rest of my life. Meeting your baby for the first time is the ultimate high I imagine...I say that because its otherworldly, maybe supernatural is a better word. The words are just out of reach because I think its impossible to capture and describe that much love coming to fruition.

I imagine lots of parents doubt their capacity for love, I know I did. I was so afraid I wouldn't love you as much as I love Landon. I was afraid that instead of "celebrating" your differences I would only "notice and compare" them. My small mind couldn't grasp the infinite possibility of a mother's love. By the way, you should know loving you just as you are was and is this thing that just happens..like it is the only way it could ever be. I wasted a lot of time worrying about something that for me was impossible all along.

Let me tell you about YOU

You are wonderful and you amaze me. You are too good for this world. I know you will dream big dreams and do big things. I can not wait to see who you become. I get glimpses of this person sometimes but their just tiny pieces for now. I know each version will just get better and better. You remind me of your brother in lots of ways, but I like to take note of the things that are uniquely you.

You will not be stopped, you will always find a way. And, you won't be afraid if no one else can see things your way. Even if it means falling a little to get where you want to be.

You want what you want and you know what that is.

You don't have time for rest because you are too busy finding your place in this world. In other words....you hate naps!

You are fiercely independent. This will most definitely serve you well in the future. For now it sure makes for messy dinners. If wearing food was a trend you would be whatever top designer is cool now....like the Dolce and Gabbana of sweet potatoes....

You will have important things to say...I can already see you have a proclivity for words and communication. Let's just say...you know how to make yourself heard!

You are a brave; meaning you already take risks that terrify me as a mother....you will be my kid with the stitches and broken bones....I know you'll have fun earning every one of your scars that you will one day impress girls with.

For now (and thats saying a lot because I can't wait to know you even more) my favorite thing about you is your absolute love of laughter! I can tell you genuinely LOVE to make us laugh. You absolutely delight in making your brother or your dad and I laugh (but especially your big brother). You soak it up and I can see it all over your face. You might just be doing something silly because thats what you do and who you are BUT, if you hear the slightest snicker of a laugh its on... You are relentless in your pursuit of laughter. I hope this part of you never changes....even if that means I get phone calls from your school one day because you are the class clown.

This is one of the things that make you...you.

You are nuts on a Sundae! Never stop being you.
Happy 1st birthday to the boy who makes me laugh.

"And she loved a little boy very very much-even more than she loved herself" The Giving Tree

To the Infinities....

It finally happened and it only took 5 years.... Landon turned 5 today!

It is definitely a milestone but it hasn't hit me as hard as I expected. Thank you new baby Logan. Well, not so new...he is already 8 months old! 5 years from now when he is turning 5 I'll probably have a mental breakdown! I should mention Landon has his first girlfriend...Her name is Eva...and she's a blonde....is it completely lame that I feel betrayed over hair color!! Also....they are 5!
In all seriousness she is the cutest thing and actually the first day I actually got to see who the infamous Eva was she was wearing a pink ninja turtle dress so I gotta give my little man props for good taste! According to the teachers at Pre-K he follows her around on the playground, but totally not in a creeper way! I confirmed that his attention was appreciated LOL Don't feel too bad for this momma though, Im still "his girl",  AND Im totally still going away to college with him. Of course all of this is his idea.

Tonight I tucked him in and I prayed with him like we do every night but tonight's prayer was a little different. I was and am completely overcome with gratitude for getting the wonderful privilege to know this little person that God knitted together in my womb. This little person who was fearfully and wonderfully made has brought me more happiness than I ever imagined. I thought it was important for Landon to know so I thanked God for allowing me to be his mom. I prayed that Landon would grow to be a good and strong man who looks out for others. I prayed that I would be a good and patient mama to him. Then, because apparently I can sing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star like none other I had to sing that 5 times through because...DUH he's 5 now.... :) As I was walking out he said he didn't want to grow up. He wondered if God could make him a "special one" so he could stay a boy forever. My heart just melted. Landy is my Peter Pan boy and we always joke that I'm going to get my hands on pixie dust and whisk him away for adventures with pirates in Neverland. He's definitely a boy after my own heart! Anyway, his very serious question got me thinking and I just had a moment of bittersweet revelation.

People are always reminding you of how fast time goes and to cherish every moment and its true. People say these "little years" are over in the blink of an eye and it definitely feels that way. I hear mamas saying all the time kind of in jest that they wish they could keep their babies little. And then at the next stage/milestone we swear; "this is where its at." And life continues on in this pattern. Im thinking that childhood is like the onion metaphor. There is just layer upon layer and there is no end in sight. The mystery of the next layer and the future potential implores us to keep peeling back layer after layer because there is this need to get to the core. This is the journey of parenthood I guess.

A part of me wishes I could pray that God would in fact make Landon one of the "special ones" so that I could keep him little, and innocent, and safe....Oh but to think of all that wasted potential...I know Landon will do big things in this life. So, as much as I want him all to myself I want him to grow up and experience the world and more importantly for the world to experience the person that he is and who he will become. The world will be better for it, I know I am.

I love you to infinity and beyond!

Landy and I play this game to see who loves who more. So, I might say "Landy, I love you to the moon and back" and he'll say "oh yeah, I love you infinity blades of grass" and I'll say "Oh yeah, well I love you infinity grains of sand!" And on and on we go. Obviously the more ridiculous the better. And let me tell you...with a 5 year old it gets straight up crazy!

Landon, Happy 5th birthday and I love you infinity of the stars in the sky....
even the ones we can't see...yeah, definitely the ones we can't see.

Always reminds me to stop and smell the roses

The sky is the limit, dream big and ridiculous dreams. You have nothing to lose!

Those eyes, that smile...they get me every time

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling what if you fly? -Peter Pan-

My Peter Pan
So come with me, where dreams are born, and time is never planned.
Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings forever
in never never land -Peter Pan-

"All children except one grow up" -Peter Pan-




Here's to your future Landy....Your potential is infinite....

The Weight of This World

 I think everyone can relate to the feeling of having the weight of the world on our shoulders. There are tons of inspirational quotes and images of tired looking bodies bending under the weight of the literal world globe resting precariously on their shoulders and backs. Its a universal theme. Typically it is associated with negative circumstances or life's heavier burdens. I myself have felt the anxiety and pressure of life and its sometimes unbearable weight. Would you believe me if I told you I figured it out and for the first time I can quantify with real numbers what that weight is?

Probably not...

February 1st, 2016 the weight of the world was pulled from my body. He weighed exactly 9 pounds and 7 ounces. At the time my body was being stitched back together so I wasn't having this sweet "aha" moment, I just knew I couldn't wait to hold him. This revelation about the weight of the world didn't hit me for a couple of months and when it did it was during one our many middle of the night feedings. Those are the magic hours, when I'm deliriously sleepy and happy and content at the same time. Many times I am so exhausted I fall asleep as my baby nurses. Sometimes he falls asleep in my arms, other times I'll wake up and look down to see him looking at me. Sometimes he's smiling like he was just patiently waiting for me to see him. One night during our magic hour I was noticing his smells and sounds and I started thinking about his weight and how solid he felt in my arms.
The pressure of his little body in my arms got me thinking about my role as the most influential woman in his life and my responsibilities to him as his mother. I remember being overcome with this feeling of deep love and gratitude for his life. The pressure I felt to be good and to do good in my role as his mother was enormous but the burden of it felt so light.
I realize one of my callings in this life is to raise this tiny helpless baby into a strong young man of sound character. I want him to be a man of integrity who loves Jesus and therefore loves people. This is by far the most important duty I will ever be charged with and I'm strangely feeling emboldened.
Ive been thinking and reflecting and trying to make sense of how such a heavy responsibility can feel so light and I kept thinking about a verse in Matthew.

Matthew 11:30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Obviously Jesus never promised His followers and easy or care free life. Really its quite the opposite. Following Jesus requires submission and self denial on many levels. BUT, when we align our lives and hearts with God's will something on the inside changes and we are never the same. That inward change is what makes all the difference, it makes us desire our lives to be His.

What does that mean?

For me it means when my four year old challenges me daily, or on the nights I wish I didn't have to be up feeding my adorable baby, and life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, and I hate myself for being a crappy mom, wife, friend, sister, person....  I know that I can and will do better. When I am faced with doubt and difficulties I know that because His yoke is lined with love I have the assurance of His supernatural encouragement.  I know that those moments of weakness don't define me because Jesus does. So I get to go through life with this crazy realization that I won't do it all perfect but in the end it will be right because Jesus can reconcile my mistakes and missteps. I know there will be plenty and I still feel emboldened because I  know my courage and confidence comes from a supernatural power.  Hmm...by default does that make me Super Mom?? Definitely something to ponder this Mother's Day!

I hope any mamas who take the time to read this feel encouraged. And I know Motherhood should be the definition of the weight of the world. Like; the weight of the world= MOTHERHOOD

I sincerely hope you can find the weight of your own burdens whatever they may be light.

Just some of my favorites

My whole world...In literal pounds a couple hundred!

This captures the kind of dad Austin is. We are lucky.

One of the few pics of us together.

Brotherly Love

Poor, poor Logan...Landy is obsessed with his peanut costume!

Happy Mother's Day!! LOL

Logan looks terrified and probably with good reason!

"Baby Landon" I think he was feeling left out

I came into the living room to this, and my heart fluttered.

Landon wanted to watch a movie with Logan! Weirdly I think Logan is into it!

Stolen kisses, my favorite.

Falling in love

Oh the places you'll go!

Enough

Monday I will be 36 weeks pregnant! Home stretch here I am, for better or worse I have arrived. The hard part is almost over, or is it...Yes my achy back and poor stretched out belly are about to be relieved but then a whole other part of my body has to ache and stretch to bring this baby screaming into the world! Beautiful imagery, I know...

Then surely the hard part is over. But then there are the sleepless nights and poopy diapers I get to relive. Then there will be the "terrible twos". Then, just when I think I have this parenting thing figured out it will be something else. There is one thing I know for sure. Each stage and milestone comes with their own unique sets of highs and lows. We talk about life in terms of phases, cycles, seasons, etc. Its the best way to make sense of life and to categorize and compartmentalize all of the various aspects into meaningful data that we can understand.

As this chapter of my life (mom of one) is coming to an end and the sequel (mom of two boys) is about to begin I am definitely having a lot of mixed feelings and emotions. Mostly they are excitement, gratitude, joy, and anticipation. BUT, if I am being honest I am also struggling. More than I like to admit and more than I have been willing to admit until now. I know how my life works with one child and it's been awhile since I have had an infant and I'm hoping it all comes back to me. I feel like I have so much to re-learn. I am worried about how I will split my time and attention between two kiddos. Landy and I have this incredible bond and I'm scared I'll lose it. I'm scared post part depression is lurking in the shadows waiting to steal my joy like it did when Landy was little. Seriously, every time I feel the tiniest bit emotional I swear its a sign that I already have it!! A little crazy I know...Anyway, there are just a lot of unknowns and I don't like unknowns. Alas, I have to suck it up and get ready because this ride is going with or without me!

Im not sure when I will learn to just deal with my issues head on...You would think after 30 years I would know what does and doesn't work! I try my best to bury the things I don't want to deal with and hope they will go away. They never do. They just lie there dormant waiting to strike at my psyche with a precision that takes my breath away and breaks me down to the core. Add in being tired, pregnant and emotional and its a recipe for disaster. So I shouldn't have been surprised when I finally cracked!

Wednesday happened and it felt like a tornado ripped through me. One minute I had it together and the next I was a sobbing mess. By the way, I am the queen of having it together... Not really, but at least outwardly that is what I want people to think; ALL the time. My husband knows better of course. Every now and then when life is winning I lock myself in the bedroom and cry for a good 30 minutes and then I'm good. I purge and then I move on, its actually quite therapeutic. I hate that my husband even knows this about me. Im not sure why I care so much....I think I just hate admitting that anyone or anything (life's circumstances included) can get at me in an emotional way. I feel out of control and Im pretty sure no one enjoys feeling that way. Anyway back to Wednesday......I sent this text to my husband at 10:51 AM "Please get home soon so I can get some time away. I need some space from Landon."

Yes, in my mind this was the text heard 'round the world. It was a public declaration that I didn't have it together and I was failing. It was a cry for help. It was admitting defeat and failure. I even felt like I was betraying Landon because God forbid I need space... I HATED that I had to ask my husband for help. I semi had it together until I started typing this out. As I was typing the message and preparing to send it my dormant anxiety and stress saw my moment of weakness and chose to attack right then and there. Suddenly my fears were being affirmed in my mind and worse, in my heart.

Immediately I just knew I was a terrible mother, I yelled too much, wasn't patient enough, had un-realistic expectations for my 4 year old, didn't play enough with Landon, allowed too much tv time, nagged too much, was lazy, was a terrible wife with a messy house...In my mind I was inadequate in EVERY way. I should mention Landon was in his room crying because I had just punished him and I was in the kitchen falling apart as I sent my desperate text.

Until the last couple of months I have felt pretty confident  in my parenting abilities and where I am at with Landon. I thought I had my little guy all figured out! Ha, I guess I'm just lucky its taken 4 years for him to decide to change up our script. Since he has turned 4 he has just really come into his own. He is so opinionated and argumentative. And the sass and attitude he can have is shocking! A part of me has been wondering if its me. Like maybe because I'm extra tired and cranky I'm just impatient. Of course this is probably part of it, I don't have my normal level of patience and I can't keep up with my little ball of energy as well as I was before being huge and pregnant. But part of it is him. He is growing and changing and becoming independent! This is uncharted territory for me. So I find myself yelling more than I like and it seems like I am constantly nagging him and getting onto him. I am feeling so out of my element and because all the tactics that I used to use are now futile I just seem to be scrambling about like a crazy person. There is a part of me that knows this is yet another phase and we will get through this and figure it out. Landy is still an awesome and sweet little boy. Thank God that just today he told me I was his beautiful princess! But this other part of me where my deepest fears live sometimes get the best of me and I doubt everything.

So, as I am thinking about the new year and new year's resolutions I don't want to have a bunch of unrealistic expectations. I want to try to focus on balance and grace. I need to realize that the "perfect mom", "perfect friend", "perfect wife", etc don't exist. The allusion of them may exist in my mind but the funny thing is the more I strive for those ideals the crazier I make myself and thus the people around me are affected by my insanity. I remind myself that Jesus doesn't want me going down that rabbit trail, that trail is full of misleading signs and detours, and rocky mountains that ultimately lead to the rabbit hole. And once you fall in there...some weird Alice in Wonderland stuff might go down. So my hope and prayer is I will KNOW that I am enough, that I am adequate, and that I am sufficient. My best, not my friend's best, or the neighbor's best, MY best is good enough. I know this is true for my husband and my son, it just has to be my truth. And thats the tricky part isn't it?

We can know something is the truth but to make it YOUR truth, to own it can sometimes allude us.

To embrace truth I have to deny the lies the enemy throws at me. When I am down the lies that play on repeat in my head are meant to distract me and de-rail me. Even if I lose my temper and yell I don't have to let that one action define the remainder of my day and especially not my character as a mother. If my house is messy that doesn't mean I am lazy, it means life is happening. Maybe the house is messy because memories are being made while I play with Landon. I'll take that over the smell of pine-sol any day. For every perceived failure or mistake I'll think of five things I've done right. And when all else fails and I am at my wits end I will pray to the only perfect parent; my heavenly Father. When I can't give myself grace He will. When I am down He will pick me up. Where I fall short He will make up the difference. When the lies are coming at me from every direction I know that if I listen closely He will whisper truths into my soul. When I am broken and in pieces He will restore me.

Because of Him I get to be enough.

Pinterest Fails & Learning to Embrace the Perfectly Imperfect this Christmas

Yes, that is a dinosaur "Christmas" cookie... and I am a little worried about that gingerbread man

Christmas snuck up on me this year. We traveled out of state to visit family for Thanksgiving so that threw me off a little bit. Not to mention Landy and I both came home with colds and of course I had copious amounts of dirty laundry to wash and bags to unpack... so this year we were a few days late getting our tree up. I am a creature of habit and I struggled with this. Alas, the tree is up and my version of decorating the house is complete! I don't go crazy with the decorations. Not because I don't like them but because I am simply too lazy. I love seeing people's homes all decked out in ways that would make Martha Stewart proud. However, setting all that beautiful crap up also means having to put it away and STORE it somewhere after Christmas. No thanks, I will just look at Pottery Barn catalogs and drive around to check out the hours worth of  labor someone ELSE put into their outdoor light display.

There are really only three arenas that I totally commit to during the Christmas Season.

1. I like my tree to be PERFECT. The lights have to be arranged just so. I mathematically space out my ornaments and need things to be color co-ordinated. I HATE homemade ornaments and there are NONE on my tree. Typically I only like white lights BUT I have given in and added colored twinkle lights because Landy likes them.

2. When I bake Christmas cookies they need to look bakery worthy. This means piping bags for the icing, strategically placed sprinkles, uniformity as far as size and color are concerned, and of course cute little gift bags so that I can give them to my neighbors because I obviously need validation :) Also, I suck at being a neighbor 99% of the time. So, at Christmas time I like to make up for it. I have actually hidden on the floor of my back porch so my poor elderly neighbor wouldn't see me and invite me to one of her church's tea parties or other social events. I am also really good at just pretending I didn't hear the other 90 year old neighbor call my name 5 times. In my defense I am usually fresh out of bed taking out the trash with no bra on so really I am doing said neighbor a favor by not subjecting her to that kind of imagery first thing in the morning. My point is, I am pretty good at baking and take great pride in the appearance of my goods.

3. I am a boss at wrapping presents. I like pretty paper and ribbons and bows. I adore cute name tags, and stamps, and all kinds of different embellishments to make the gift that much more special. There is a scene from "Love Actually" that I can totally relate to! It gets me every time. Check it out if you have a minute and need a good laugh!

Gift Wrapping 101

So far Landy hasn't cramped my holiday style too much. Last year he helped with the tree a little bit but mostly just wanted to play with his little people nativity scene. Also, he didn't seem to notice that I re-arranged all the ornaments he so carefully placed on the lower quadrant of the tree. When it comes to cookie making he has always been happy to let me do all the baking and decorating so long as he gets to eat some. His approach has been sort of hands off, he likes to watch me create. These days are long gone! He is coming into his own as a little crafty elf and creator of beautiful things.

So, this will be my year of reckoning. This year I am embracing all things perfectly imperfect and changing the lens through which I define beautiful things. Probably something we could all benefit from in the pinterest perfect allusion of a world we live in.

The Tree:
This year one of my strands of white lights broke. I didn't realize it until I was already committed to decorating the tree. So, this year my tree will only have colored twinkle lights. The other small strand of white lights I had are in Landy's room framing his window. He couldn't be happier. Okay, I can live with that. Also, this year Landy picked the candy canes....he didn't pick the classic and might I add uniform red and white striped ones I like. No, he picked a multi colored variety with Mickey Mouse pictures on the wrappers. They are strategically hung on the lower portion of the tree where he can reach the branches. Some of the branches even have two or three candy canes gracing them. Not sure what his mathematical formula was maybe its too complicated for my simple mind. Typically with my Christmas balls I stick with a color coordinated theme. In years past its been silver, gold, and red. I have some other colors but I don't normally add them to the mix. Well, Landy had other ideas. My tree is covered in a multitude of colored balls. Like the candy canes several; okay most of the lower limbs have multiple balls clustered on them like grapes. Then there is the glory of glories....the box of "special" ornaments. Landy gets an ornament from us every year with the hopes that some day I can lovingly pass this box onto him and his future wife. He has also received some really beautiful ornaments as gifts. Needless to say his little collection is growing. Normally hanging these keepsake ornaments and finding that perfect spot is something I revel in. However, this year Landy couldn't wait to hang all of the "special" ones on his own. Most of them are airplanes so I shouldn't be surprised.... So, while I watched Landy lovingly place ornaments the same way I do my heart instantly melted. I realized to Landy this was the most fun and magical night and he thought the tree was beautiful. He told me over and over how much he loved our tree. I could see the pride on his face and the way he searched for the perfect home for the ornaments. When I stopped to pause and see the tree through his eyes I had to agree. It was the most beautiful tree I had ever seen. The lights twinkled just so and the ornaments suddenly seemed perfectly placed. My mathematical mind that desires order could see the organized chaos and I loved it. Decorating the tree with him was the best. We laughed and danced to "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" like a thousand times. We ate fruit flavored candy canes (weird) and I told him the stories behind all the "special" ornaments.

Holiday Cookies:
Landy and I baked our first official batch of Christmas cookies. He of course wanted to do rolled sugar cookies and I had to get out all of my cookie cutters....even the dinosaurs. I guess dinosaurs like Christmas too. Normally I just kind of do everything and I save two or three cookies for him to "decorate" and I do the rest. Nope, my little pastry chef wanted to be involved in it all. He ended up covered in flour, sprinkles, and frosting. And plain white frosting wouldn't do. We had to have white, green, red, and yellow..... And of course after seeing me frost the cookies he had to try too. In general I am not good at sharing a kitchen with ANYONE. Its kind of my sanctuary. Its therapeutic for me. I like to think and create in quiet. I lose myself when I am cooking. Try explaining that to a 4 year old! By the end of it all Landy was in cookie heaven. He even discovered the deliciousness that is RAW cookie dough!! Honestly, I can't blame him. If I wasn't pregnant I totally would have joined him! My kitchen counters ended up being covered in cookies, sprinkles, flour, and frosting. My sink was full of measuring cups and frosting covered utensils. A frosting covered beater  I precariously left on the edge of the counter slowly dripped frosting onto the floor and sprinkles of all colors covered the floor like annoying beach sand. No matter where I stepped sprinkles were attaching themselves to my feet like leeches....I can't stand feeling dirt or crumbs under my feet. During all of this Landy was totally in his element enjoying the moment. Once I let all the messy stuff go I was free to join him and I'm glad I did. I reminded myself that once we were done having fun I could sweep and mop the floor. The dishes would get done and my counters would be clean again. But the moments we were creating together were little treasures I could lock away in my memory for days when he is grown and doesn't care about frosting dinosaur cookies.

I realize I can easily re-arrange the tree when Landy goes to bed but what message would that send? I don't want to undermine his contributions and his view of beauty. I think his perspective is better than mine anyway. The lens he sees the world through is raw and unfiltered. He isn't comparing our tree to anything. Its beauty stands on its own, and that's saying something. He isn't worried about anyone else's impossible standards or really what it boils down to once we become adults is our own impossible standards. While he is young and his mind is free I want to let him experience his own unbiased ideas about beauty and contentment. As far as the cookies go I think I'll keep them for the two of us. Not because they aren't good enough to gift but because someone else might not appreciate how beautiful they actually are. Other people wouldn't know that these cookies were actually better than the bakery shelf worthy cookies I would deliver in perfect packages. Our cookies are just too good to share if that makes sense.

This holiday season is shaping up to be one full of joy and love and laughter. I'm glad Landy reminds me to see past consumerism and the bright and shiny pictures of staged homes and trees we see in catalogs and advertisements. I'm glad that even though our cookies may not be pinterest worthy they are perfectly imperfect  and making and creating them with Landy is one of the sweetest and most beautiful moments I will cherish forever. For now I get to remain the wrapper of presents so I'll let my OCD run wild in that arena.

Here are some little gems from the holiday season so far.....

Seriously better than any bakery display case cookie

How I found the nativity scene this morning.....

I LOVE that Santa is chilling with the wise men....He even brought gifts! Oh, and I just realized the angel is missing and has been replaced by a camel. Nice Landy....Nice.

Landy's world is way too cool! I see the angel wanted to hang with the shepherd and Santa's Elf.

Sidenote: There are so many people who want to fight and argue about Santa vs. the Nativity....My 4 year old just figured this super complicated issue out. Why not combine and get the best of both worlds!! I swear he is a genius!

Once again Landy, thanks for the dose of beautiful reality and perspective!

When I'm Old..

I started keeping a journal for Landy almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant. I would just write him little things I was thinking, things I was excited for, finding out he was going to be a boy, and now I write little love letters to him and just funny little things about him as he hits various milestones and stages. It's funny because you think as a parent you have so much to teach your kids and we do....But man do they teach us life's most important lessons. I was re-reading some old entries and there is this underlying theme of being thankful to him for opening my eyes and teaching me about love and life. Landy adds the color to my world... Crayola doesn't have a chance at naming some of them. Beautiful and rich colors so bold and unique they can't be confined to a name or a label. Its a beautiful thing.

Landy taught me to be a mommy....

The last memory I was sharing with him was about a time I asked him if he would take care of me when I'm old. Okay, maybe a serious question but I did just read the book "Love you Forever" so thats my excuse...

Disclaimer: If you haven't read this beautiful story PLEASE for the love of tears have tissues handy. It's a story about the evolving love of a mother and her son... I'm so impressed that this author and illustrator could capture a story like this so eloquently and beautifully that it literally brings tears to your eyes yet its a children's book. That is quite and accomplishment. Anyway, after reading this book (to myself) and crying (privately) I nonchalantly asked Landy if he would look after me when I'm old. Without a moment's hesitation he said "Yes". I asked him what we would do.

When I'm Old.....

Landy will drive me around, he will take me to the library to read and do puzzles. He will drive me to Barnes & Noble so we can play trains together at the train table.

He will cook me chicken nuggets (consequently this is HIS favorite food) and we will eat fruit snacks together. Oh, and he will get me coffee from Starbucks.

We will go on adventures together. FYI adventures are when we walk in the woods and see the extraordinary in the ordinary. We have an adventure bag and we collect rocks, feathers, sticks, (especially if they are shaped like a "Y") pine-cones, etc....Oh, one time we saw a dead bird and he threw a fit b/c I wouldn't let him bring it home.....I asked him what we would do with it...He said put it on the kitchen counter. Oh my boy...you melt my heart.

He will sing me "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" every night before bed.

Oh, he will also mow the lawn for me.

I know this may seem silly but I was thinking about how special the moment actually was. As parents its so easy to doubt ourselves and beat ourselves up over our mistakes and failures. They seem so big and important and because we obsess over them we assume our kids will too. I think that couldn't be further from the truth. Its the little everyday things we do and say, the silly things we don't give a second thought to that shape our children's views and hearts. Those silly things I do with Landy make him feel loved and taken care of and what bigger compliment than to have him say he would do those things for me. It was like seeing myself as a mother through Landy's eyes....He thinks I am fun, he likes spending time with me, I make him feel safe and secure. It was such a sweet moment of affirmation that I never expected from such a silly question. I know that Landy KNOWS I love him and that is an amazing feeling. In Landy's eyes I am enough. I swear, my sweet boy has stolen my heart right from my chest!

And Landy, know that I am holding you to this...Consider this a signed contract!

One of the last pictures in the book where it is inferred that his mother dies.....'nuff said

Oh, Landy....Thanks for adding the color to my world!