My Noticer

My Noticer
There's always time to stop & smell the roses!

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Nuts on a Sundae

How is it possible that I've known you for a year? ONE year can't possibly be a long enough span of time for me to love you as fiercely as I do and yet you've done it...you have captured my heart. The thing is, you keep on capturing it; over and over again. I am completely undone by this fierce mama love. Its an undignified kind of love which is actually quite beautiful when you think about it.

You know what they say...you can't have a rainbow without the rain. You son; are my rainbow baby. You are hope to me..and let me tell you, I was scared to hope for you. In fact, I was scared to love you. You are a force to be reckoned with that's for sure and I know this...I LOVE that about you!

I should have known you would be some kind of extra special....I found out I was pregnant with you during the time I would have been due with Landy's little brother or sister. The hope of your arrival was a welcomed distraction. I wasn't looking for the rainbow in the midst of my storm but there you were.

As I said, I was scared to love you...Those first 12 weeks were torture. When I had my 12 week ultrasound I cried tears of relief and joy when I saw you there...so much potential that I couldn't wait to meet. SPOILER ALERT.... you do not disappoint!

My pregnancy with you was fairly nondescript. When you got big enough that I could feel your movements they became a great source of comfort for me. Thankfully you were extremely busy so I never really had to wonder if you were okay in there. Of course, an active baby has its drawbacks...I thought Landon's kicks were bad....you put your brother to shame. I literally swore on multiple occasions that you were feet down river dancing on my bladder!

Fast forward to 39 weeks and 6 days......"WHY child are you not co-operating...." I was so desperate I ingested castor oil.

It.Was.Awful.

Oh, and did I mention....NOTHING happened! Yeah, so there was that...

My 40 week appointment was scheduled for the next day and I already knew I was going to ask to be induced. NONE of my shoes fit, I actually had to send your dad out for size 11, let me repeat....SIZE 11 shoes because my feet had grown two sizes in WIDTH alone. My feet and ankles were unrecognizable. Also, I didn't know there was such a thing as pregnancy carpal tunnel but I got that too...

mothers are supposed to say that it was all so worth it..heres the truth; it totally was!

Here's the ironic part about this whole situation, you were actually feet down river dancing on my bladder as I suspected! I would find this out in the 30 seconds it took for my doctor to do an in office ultra-sound....Why they couldn't perform this menial task in the weeks prior I'll never know....Trust me, I was PISSED! It was good to finally have an explanation for why things didn't seem to be progressing. Oh, the fact that you were breach also means that castor oil was never going to do a thing for me....This also PISSED me off!

Suddenly I felt terrified. A C-section was not part of MY plan. I had everything kind of laid out in my mind. A vaginal delivery was all I knew so thats what I was prepared for; mentally and physically. This is going to sound so dramatic but I was scared of dying. I was scared of leaving behind Landon and never getting to meet you. Maybe it is dramatic but I think mothers can't help but go there sometimes. Its funny, I suppose the fear of dying is ranked right up there next to speaking in public, but having kids adds in a whole new dimension. I don't even care about dying as long as I get to see you grow up. Thats life though, because I know as soon as I see you reach adulthood I'll say just let me see my sons find love. Then I'll say, death can't find me until I see them experience having their own children. And then the cycle will repeat because of course I'll want to see my grand-babies grow up..Death is a cumbersome thing I think.

You know what it is, having kids raises the stakes; you're all in.

In hind-site that C-section was probably a good call since you were just shy of 10 POUNDS!!
The first thing you did (even before your cried) to make your grand entrance was peeing everywhere. I couldn't see what was going on but everyone was talking about it. Apparently you are on par with Old Faithful...Proud mommy/daddy moment! Just like that those warm hot persnickety tears were back again. Any fear I had about loving you ceased to exist. When they handed you to your daddy I begged the nurses to free one of my arms so I could touch you. In that moment I needed you like my lungs needed air.

Once I was in recovery and got to hold you I felt like I was untouchable. It's like nothing else in the world mattered in those moments when I was holding you against my chest. Your weight, your smell, your sounds...it was like that was all I needed for the rest of my life. Meeting your baby for the first time is the ultimate high I imagine...I say that because its otherworldly, maybe supernatural is a better word. The words are just out of reach because I think its impossible to capture and describe that much love coming to fruition.

I imagine lots of parents doubt their capacity for love, I know I did. I was so afraid I wouldn't love you as much as I love Landon. I was afraid that instead of "celebrating" your differences I would only "notice and compare" them. My small mind couldn't grasp the infinite possibility of a mother's love. By the way, you should know loving you just as you are was and is this thing that just happens..like it is the only way it could ever be. I wasted a lot of time worrying about something that for me was impossible all along.

Let me tell you about YOU

You are wonderful and you amaze me. You are too good for this world. I know you will dream big dreams and do big things. I can not wait to see who you become. I get glimpses of this person sometimes but their just tiny pieces for now. I know each version will just get better and better. You remind me of your brother in lots of ways, but I like to take note of the things that are uniquely you.

You will not be stopped, you will always find a way. And, you won't be afraid if no one else can see things your way. Even if it means falling a little to get where you want to be.

You want what you want and you know what that is.

You don't have time for rest because you are too busy finding your place in this world. In other words....you hate naps!

You are fiercely independent. This will most definitely serve you well in the future. For now it sure makes for messy dinners. If wearing food was a trend you would be whatever top designer is cool now....like the Dolce and Gabbana of sweet potatoes....

You will have important things to say...I can already see you have a proclivity for words and communication. Let's just say...you know how to make yourself heard!

You are a brave; meaning you already take risks that terrify me as a mother....you will be my kid with the stitches and broken bones....I know you'll have fun earning every one of your scars that you will one day impress girls with.

For now (and thats saying a lot because I can't wait to know you even more) my favorite thing about you is your absolute love of laughter! I can tell you genuinely LOVE to make us laugh. You absolutely delight in making your brother or your dad and I laugh (but especially your big brother). You soak it up and I can see it all over your face. You might just be doing something silly because thats what you do and who you are BUT, if you hear the slightest snicker of a laugh its on... You are relentless in your pursuit of laughter. I hope this part of you never changes....even if that means I get phone calls from your school one day because you are the class clown.

This is one of the things that make you...you.

You are nuts on a Sundae! Never stop being you.
Happy 1st birthday to the boy who makes me laugh.


"And she loved a little boy very very much-even more than she loved herself" The Giving Tree
































Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Beautiful Things

"Beautiful Things" Here for your listening pleasure is Landon's favorite song. He hasn't asked to listen to it in awhile but today I introduced him to my new favorite song; "What a Beautiful Name" My fave. I guess that reminded him...I wonder why.....HAHA! Anyway, he asked to listen to it on the way to pre-school (heart melted).

I have to say; it's one of my favorites too! I have always loved the song...but...now that its Landy's favorite my heart is endeared to it even more. I love that he loves music. It amazes me how much their little ears pick up....mine even notices different instruments and the way the music changes with the verses and chorus....My dude knows when a song is building and when that bridge is coming! Remember that the next time you turn on the radio! LOL

I'm always amazed at the things I learn from Landon. I deeply believe children can teach us more than we could ever imagine if we take the time to listen and notice. We underestimate them in profound ways. True to form Landy's taste in music has schooled me yet again.....

Lately my mind has been completely pre-occupied with all things politics....I think a lot of fellow Americans can agree that these are tumultuous times.... I mean geez.....I have literally been distressed over the things I am hearing on the news and YES even Facebook...I've just been trying to make sense of it all...But its all sort of senseless...Anyway, there is something to be said for the innocent way children view the world. They have this knack for boiling things down to their most finite form and I can appreciate that. Some may say they are simple but I think they may be on to something... With everything going on in our country I have been feeling dejected and hopeless.  Silly me, I forgot my hope does NOT lie in the things of this world. Thank you Landy for that gentle reminder!

These lyrics reminded me that God is bigger than my fear.

All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come out from this ground, at all?
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around,
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found, in you
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

My favorite song says He has NO rival  and No equal and I believe that....I think I just got lost in the world and forgot...

I think it's safe to say that for Landy life is being found in Him and that couldn't be more beautiful!







Sunday, January 1, 2017

Not Your Average Dear John Letter

Disclaimer: If you do not have a sense of humor please stop reading now, that is all.

Dear Body B.C. (thats body before children NOT before Christ),

Its not you, its me. I've changed, Im different now. But then again so are you. You have changed like A LOT in the last 6 years. We had some really good times and I do miss shamelessly flaunting you around. Gone are the days of tops with no bra, I mean unless I am at home and there is absolutely NO chance anyone will see me, Im talking not even the UPS guy. As my good friend aptly described post baby/nursing boobs they are like "rocks in socks".... I laughed way too hard when she gave this spot on description. If you're not laughing you are either one lucky momma or you don't have children therefore you're boobs are still naturally perky! Or, I suppose you have no sense of humor so the disclaimer was probably for you ;)

Gone are the days of very small bikinis for various reasons. The "rock in sock" scenario I suppose could be solved with enough underwire, but then I just love my new one piece that has the ruching in all the right places around my once very flat mid section. Body B.C., we'll always have that one spring break in Cancun when we were 20.... And every time I see a 20 something year old on the beach in a little bikini and everything is neatly tucked into where it belongs I think of you with fondness. I promise not to forget you.

Gone are the days when I had no idea what body shaping undergarments were.....Im still learning the wonders of these creations. I feel like I need to mention that they can be very tricky when trying to use the restroom. This is why women in their 30's often still travel to the bathroom in packs... Anyway, I'll always remember and appreciate the times we could slip into something form fitting and not have to worry about bulging in the wrong places. We'll always have those fun nights in Florida when we danced the night away and didn't have a care in the world.

Body B.C. we've been through a lot together, when I say a lot I mean the first 25 years I was alive. I want to thank you for being strong and making it possible to create a life. Body B.C., I want you to know this is no small feat and I am beyond grateful. You grew and stretched, and ached and delivered a human being into this world. Also, you helped attract my husband so there's that too, kind of a big deal in creating said human.

Body B.C. I want you to know you have been instrumental in my life and Ill always love you, BUT....

I guess what Im trying to say is... I've found someone else...I know thats hard to hear but its for the best. I think we just want different things out of life now and Im looking for a healthier and committed long term relationship. If I hold on to you and what we had I can't fully commit to this new and healthier relationship I am trying to foster and thats not fair for any of us. I feel I owe you transparency so I want to be honest and let you know that this affair has been going on for some time and you know her well. She's been in our lives trying to help me see the truth for the last 6 years and I'm finally ready to listen. Body A.D. (thats body after delivery in case you were wondering) speaks truth and love and acceptance into my life and I need more of that. I hope you understand.

Body A.D. challenges me to love myself in deeper and more meaningful ways. She challenges me to look beyond the image in the mirror. She makes me see what I am capable of and my bra size and pant size are inconsequential. She has shown me that my body isn't the only thing that has changed. My capacity to love has grown exponentially, the range of emotions I experience are heightened, my view is less obstructed and she is constantly challenging me to look deeper and farther. She encourages me to see what my body is capable of and wants me to celebrate its strength. Where society wants to minimize the beauty of childbirth and instead focus on the physical evidence that is left behind on our bodies in all different ways she wants me to focus on the perfect act of child birth.

Body A.D. is slowly teaching me to love, appreciate, and embrace my after baby body.

She helps me see that my C-section scar is so much more than a scar. It allowed safe passage for my second baby boy to be brought into this world and placed in my arms.
Any stretch marks are just proof positive of the growing and stretching my body had to do to create new life and carry my babes safely for 9 months. Its a good thing an elastic heart is just a metaphor..As much as my capacity to love has been stretched its a wonder my heart beats.
My softer midsection and rounder hips remind me of how my children have and continue to smooth my rough edges. Loving them makes me love people, loving them makes me more compassionate and generous. They make me hopeful and keep me positive. They make me a better person.
My midsection isn't the only thing thats softer, my heart is too.
My "rocks in socks" boobs may not be winning any wet t-shirt contests but they did and do provide nourishment. They are a soft and warm place to cradle my babes. I can't count how many times they have comforted and soothed tears when nothing else would do. I've spent hours with tiny baby bodies cradled against my breast while they drift off to sleep. Also, I saved ridiculous amounts of money on formula so theres that too.

Body B.C., I hope you understand.....

Fondly,

Rejhaun

I hope 2017 is my year to love myself and see myself the way my boys do.

A friend shared this on Facebook and I think it perfectly sums things up!