This is Us..

The night you died I knew what crying an ocean of tears really felt like....waves and waves of sadness washed away my sand castles.

I wrote this little note on a piece of paper I still have today in the hours after my Grandpa passed away Super Bowl Sunday when I was 15. He and my Grandma were driving home and hit a patch of black ice and in a matter of minutes...maybe seconds it was over. His life was over. No goodbyes, no last words, nothing. And life is like that sometimes...a sucker punch to the gut that leaves you breathless and seeing stars...

I wonder what torture that must have been for my Grandma to hear the love of her life take his final breaths. And its hard to think about. I was supposed to be in the car with them that evening. I spent part of the day with my Grandpa because he was helping me practice parallel parking so that come May I could get my license. I am so thankful that I had that time with him. I wish I would have known because I wouldn't have ever stopped hugging him. I would have breathed in his scent and memorized the way it felt to be hugged by him. I would have recorded the sound of his laughter. You see, he had a great laugh. When I think of him I think of that. It was one of those laughs that is contagious and even if something isn't that funny you cant help but laugh along.

I said I was supposed to be with them...BUT it was Super Bowl Sunday and I wanted to hang out with my boyfriend and some other kids from school. I used to wonder if I could have saved him...
like maybe he would have let me drive for the extra practice and I might have missed the black ice and I wouldn't be talking about him dying. Then I think...what if I would have died...
It's too much to think about and I'll never know so I stopped torturing myself years ago. Denial is a funny thing, it makes the craziest of thoughts seem sane. Like, I used to think his death was some sort of conspiracy and I used to look for his face in cars that passed by... It was really hard to accept that he was gone forever.

I can't really explain who my Grandpa was to me except that he was my favorite person. He had this special way of making me feel important. I can remember when he would introduce me to anyone he always used adjectives..not just; "hey, this is my grand daughter" but more like; "This is MY grand daughter, we think she is something special, smart, wonderful, etc. I always felt like I was his favorite. But then I think everyone who knew him probably thought that because that's the kind of guy he was. He used to call my Grandma his girlfriend in a silly, flirty voice. I remember seeing him sometimes brush and braid her hair...it was long.. and I just remember thinking he was so gentle. Sometimes my Grandma's yells said otherwise. If we went to restaurants he made it a point to know the waitress' name... and that's what I mean about him making people feel special. There are people who are genuine and who notice and that's the kind of guy he was. He always had a pocket protector and an abundance of pens in his shirt pocket. He had this certain smell,  and that laugh...I can't say enough about it.

I can remember when he and my Grandma would come to visit one of the ways we
(my siblings and I ) showed our love was to make sure when we set the table he got the special blue flower plate...we had a matching set of plates but in my mind and my sibling's minds the blue flower plate was a badge of honor. So, Grandpa...I hope you eat every meal in heaven off a pretty blue flower plate. We would FIGHT over who got to sit next to him, and I always wanted to hold his hand. And when we left restaurants or other places if we were holding hands he would run with me and jump and it was just so fun and magical. The crazy thing is we only saw them a couple of times a year but that speaks volumes about the kind of Grandparent and person he was. He managed to cram lifetimes of memories into days and weeks.

I actually wanted to ask him if when I got married he would walk me down the aisle...I wanted to make him promise but I was afraid if I asked he would die before that day came...like I would jinx it...I was so dark geez! I wish I would have asked anyway...because then he would know.

My favorite memory I have of him happens to be captured in a photograph but then maybe thats not a coincidence..maybe the photograph helped solidify that memory because I was young. I was five I think and he and Grandma came to visit us in California and we went hiking around. We were standing on what felt like and looked like a cliff to me and he wanted me to jump down. It felt impossible and scary but he held my hand and we leapt...at least it felt that way. It was exhilarating and I was so proud of myself after. Im so glad there is a picture. Ive had it framed and with me for the last 17 years.

Anyway, I am a HUGE "This is Us" fan and Im a little obsessed with Jack so like every other American woman my heart died a little when his character's death was finally revealed. "Crazy" that the episode aired on Super Bowl Sunday and his character died on Super Bowl Sunday all those years ago. I KNOW its fiction but the feelings and emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. Suddenly I was 15 again and my heart was breaking all over again.  Thank God I didn't actually watch it on Super Bowl Sunday. Not sure how cathartic that would have been. Super Bowls used to be tough for me but enough time has gone by that life has gone on...its not the same but lets just say Im not looking for my Grandpa's face in cars passing me on the highway.

When I found out he died I was SO mad at God....More mad then I've ever been about anything. At that point in my life I was pretty sure everyone sucked and I kind of hated people...And I thought why would you (God) take someone so good. I felt like the world was so full of terrible people and so God should leave the good ones alone...like we seriously need people like my Grandpa on this earth...did He not know that...was He selfish?? Did He want him all to himself. Did God not know how much we all needed him, how much I needed him...In my mind it was like God orchestrated the whole thing.

This is all terribly sad but I had to talk about him and how wonderful he was so I could talk about my husband and how wonderful he is. They are two men cut from the same cloth! Oh Austin, you would have loved my Grandpa. He was a pilot too so you would have lots to talk about!
And your laugh...yeah its a great one! It's loud and contagious. And even if something isn't that funny you cant help but laugh along with you.

Seriously, Austin...YOU are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You have seen me in pieces so broken I thought there was no hope and you didn't leave. You might have wanted to sometimes..I think you saw the real me and you thought I was worth it.

You are one of the good ones and I am one of the lucky ones. You are a man of integrity. You have principals and morals and values that quite honestly not a lot of men have these days. And let me just say this...You as a father have surpassed any and every expectation I could have ever had. You genuinely want to spend time with our family. Like...you sleep with Landon in his tiny twin bed just to make him feel special...You take him hunting and fishing when I know it would be so much easier to go alone. You "camp" out with him in the playroom because you said you would even though you have a trip the next day and you have to be up at 5AM. You ask him to help with projects even thought he probably adds on hours to the task because you know it will benefit him..And I know how you love your golf yet you take Landon with you any chance you get..again, its about him and not you..your selfless like that, and I notice.

You work hard for our family and you give me the freedom to choose whether I stay home with our babes or go to work. And there is no judgement...that's true freedom, you never have "agendas".  You support my interests and hobbies, you encourage me to have friendships and you make it easy to go out with girlfriends and to have time to myself. I LOVE you for this because I need this. You have changed just as many dirty diapers as I have and when I was spiraling with post-partum depression after Landon you were an anchor for our family. And thats what you are...You are my rock.

When I look back on our 12 years together I realize we've grown up together...
We jumped out of an airplane together and you asked me to marry you!
We survived Cancun together as a 20 and 22 year old WOW...
We've made babies together! WE are responsible for two little lives together.
I watched you lose your sister, I know it broke you and it broke me to see that.
We've been through so MANY moves together... ugh!
We finally bought a house together!
We said goodbye to Stewie together.
We lost a baby together.
We were together when your mom battled cancer.
You shaved my head for me when my best friend had cancer and lost her hair.
Through it all; the highest highs and the lowest lows...its been us.
Its like its always been us and it will always be us!
I can't imagine living this life with anyone else.

You are hundreds of miles away and you made me feel special today.
I hope you read this and you feel special.

You are the real deal, you are who they write about...
You are the stuff of fairly tales and happily ever afters.
You are the character people can only imagine and dream up.
I love you.

Us

Multi-Tasker

Im in love with seeing you fall in love with Logan

You teaching Landon..

this one is delicious

my boys, my whole world..

secrets

this...this is why i love you!

You told me I could, so I believed you.

Deuces Wild

Two years ago today you came into this world and into my heart and you've been leaving your mark ever since. Sometimes that mark looks like marker and pencil scribbles all over the computer. Often times its the trails of random toys you leave scattered throughout the house! Its the joy you give me when I get to see the world through your eyes, sometimes its your laugh I can hear in my head while Im falling asleep. Its the way you shamelessly flirt with all girls. Sometimes its the way your brother calls you HIS baby brother with so much pride in his voice. It's the way your dad looks at you like he cant believe how lucky we are that you are ours.
And sometimes its the way my heart skips a beat when I tuck you in at night and you tell me
"I love you too" in your super sweet baby voice...yeah, that one gets me every time.

A true trail blazer if I ever saw one

You have a legitimate love AFFAIR with horses, and its actually kind of perfect because a horse is totally your spirit animal. But not just your average horse, NO..you my love are like a wild horse and its my favorite thing about you! You are wild and free and so, so spirited. Your energy is manic and loud, and crazy, but most of all, its beautiful. You are unstoppable and this will serve you well in this world. You are unbreakable and fearless. You don't know yet what impossible means, the world is yours. I am hoping you come to realize that when it comes to the playground some things are impossible for you at this age...honestly, taking you to the park is terrifying. You want to do what all the older kids do which typically entails jumping from slides and whatever the tallest point on the playground equipment is. You aren't content to play on the "age appropriate" side. But thats you with everything, you take everything you do to the next level. You are like your dad that way. Its hard for this mama heart sometimes but I try not to hold you back if I can help myself. I find myself holding my breath a lot and just sort of cringing while I watch you taste freedom and test your limits.

I'm hoping this obsession with horses doesn't lead to bronco riding one day! Help me God if it does.

I know one thing for sure, the things that you and your brother are passionate about I want to be passionate about too. I see an interesting future for myself because helping you chase your dreams and seeing you try and sometimes fail, and hopefully mostly succeed is my dream now.
The life I imagined for myself before kids is so different and exciting. The crazy thing is if I got everything I ever THOUGHT I wanted none of it could even come close to bringing me the happiness and joy being a mother has brought me. Im thankful for this all the time. There is a song that is so special to me and one of the lyrics is; have you come to the end of yourself.. You and your brother have done that to me and its the best thing thats ever happened.
In my wildest dreams I couldn't fathom anything as good as you and Landon.
Don't get me wrong..I still have dreams and ambitions of my own and I will see them through because I think thats important for you to see and know, but my personal desires pale in comparison to what I want for you. I want to be interested in what interests you because I have this need to know you and your brother and how you guys think, and what makes you laugh, what makes you sad, mad...all of it. Thank you for giving my life a purpose that surpasses anything I could have dreamed up.

Here is just a glimpse into who you are at the ripe old age of 2...

You go to sleep talking about watching horsies, playing horsies, reading horsies and when you wake up its the first thing you talk about..."want to watch horsies" Spirit is currently your favorite, although sometimes you dabble in Heartland and Reign..The best part, Heartland and Reign are like actual dramas, almost like soap operas! Like I said, you aren't happy with "age appropriate" shows like Octonauts and Sesame Street, its always the next level with you!

You are obsessed with girls...again, not girls your age..you seem to especially love teenagers. The other day at the park you had your heart set on a sweet 10 year old girl with a pretty pink bow you couldn't stop talking about! You followed her around and tried to do everything she did. I think you were actually showing off..gotta love your tenacity! Your dad told me he took you to see the horses at Carousel Farms and when two teenaged girls walked by you gasped and said "dad look, girls"...
Mamas of girls all I can say is beware..my boy has dimples, good looks, and charm for days.
I imagine one day all of Landon's little girlfriends are just going to love his little brother...Both my boys are fiercely competitive so it should be interesting to say the least!

You are obsessed with Rocky the rocking horse that daddy used to ride when he was little. Do you calmly ride it while safely holding onto the reigns...NO!! You do "tricks" your own word.. You wear your black cowboy hat and most often you are barefoot. You like to do "jumps" and rock back and forth so hard I am just waiting for your to fly off. To date I have to say Im impressed..as far as I know you haven't been bucked off yet...unless your dad "forgot" to tell me about such an experience :)

You have an interesting knack for hoarding things you love. Sometimes the word stealing comes to mind..I have found a lego fence piece in your pants before..we were invited to a friends house and from what I gather the white lego fence piece you set your eyes on looked like a "horse fence" so you stuck it inside pants leg and when we got home and I changed you into jammies I found it...imagine my surprise! I have found pacifiers in your pant legs as well. Pacifiers are about the only thing that can compare with horses. One day it was nap time and that is typically when you get your "binky". The only problem...I couldn't find one anywhere...not to fear, you had them all stashed inside a doll house. You nonchalantly opened the front door to the doll house and reached in and grabbed like three of them. Sometimes you want the blue one, sometimes the green one in your mouth but then you prefer to sleep with the others next you you in the crib as well as one in each hand! When we go to the library you promptly gather up ALL of the toy horses AND the horse puzzle pieces. You have this one little container that you like to put them all in. It has a lid and snaps shut so you can safely transport the horses around without any other children stealing the COMMUNITY toys.

You love to do anything that gets a reaction...there for awhile you would suck on your big toe just to see me grossed out! You love to fart in the bathtub because your brother laughs uncontrollably! You love to make a big deal out of the smallest boo-boo so I have to kiss it...even especially if its your butt. By the way, yours is the only butt I will kiss! You love it when I sing "Jesus Loves Me", "Twinkle Twinkle", and my very own original "Farty McGarts"....what can I say, its a classic!

As funny and tough as you are you are incredibly perceptive and sweet. You pick up on emotion and I can already see your compassionate heart. It comes naturally to you and that is such a gift. You give the best bear hugs and kisses. Your little spirit for competition has already started shining though in the love department. You love to play the "I love you more game" with me. For the record; I'll play with you always and forever. One day you me and Landon can play the Infinities  game...that should be interesting.

Oh Logan, I could go on for days and you're only 2. You and your brother will be the greatest story I ever get to tell. You are the best parts of my life. I cant wait to see what this year brings, what lessons you will teach me, and what beautiful things you will show me.


Two roads diverged in a wood,
and I...I took the one less traveled by, 
and that has made all the difference. 
-Robert Frost-


NO, better yet...

Do not go where the path may lead, 
go instead where there is no path and leave a trail
-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

Logan, this is what you were born to do...be a trail blazer..its who you are!

The sky is the limit

Eating your big toe for attention

Probably watching "horsies"

One of the boys

you boys get me every time

seeing the world through your eyes

this was a good day

Eating chalk for a reaction

cheese

one of your famous bear hugs

always remind me to stop and smell the roses

you have my whole heart



How long will I love you
As long as the stars are above you
And longer if I may
-Ellie Goulding-