Indian Summer

 Landon, you turned ten this year, I can't believe I've known you for an entire decade...

The word decade sounds so formal and seems to have such a weighty substance to it. 

On your actual birthday you were quick to remind me that in eight years you'll be leaving me, and just like that you had my heart doing somersaults in my chest. When you saw the look of horror on my face, your face broke into a huge smile. It was the kind of smile that actually makes your eyes crinkle and your whole face light up in a very sly and mischievous way. This little sly smile of yours seems to be making an appearance more and more, as you get older and craftier. Thank goodness for that smattering of freckles that dusts your nose to keep you resembling my little boy while the rest of you seems to be outgrowing all of your clothes and shoes. You are all arms and legs now! 

I have been writing you these birthday letters for 6ish years now and this year I will be honest and admit that I am STRUGGLING to write words. Hence it is November 19th and I still have not finished this letter. This year feels like nothing has really changed YET I sense that you are on the precipice of change that I am not ready for. I think that by putting to words all of the thoughts in my mind about you and this amazing decade we have had together also makes me think about what the future holds. And I really am so excited for the future but saying goodbye to the little boy Landon is not something I look forward to. 

I guess lately I have begun to have this very real awareness that we are coming to the end of a season and are about to enter into a new one. For now I am trying to soak up these in-between days and I don't want them to end. I think I am realizing that we are in our Indian Summer days with you as you walk that fine line between boyhood and becoming a young man. More and more I am seeing the juxtaposition of you as a little boy and the young man you are growing into and as a mom that can be a little hard to reconcile. Here are just a few highlights and favorite examples of seeing these two different aspects of your amazing personality side by side.

You can still be found playing with your plastic army men and orchestrating epic battles with your little brother. And just when I think I can breathe easy because you are still playing make believe games I come across a list of actual historical battles you had written out from a WWII book you are reading. And lately you've taken to watching documentaries about war and it's just all so grown up of you. I know that some day when you and your brother are battling it out with Sergeant Plastico will be your last day you play with your army men and I just feel like that date should be observed. The thing is I won't know, and you won't know it's the last day...it will just be and it will pass unceremoniously so and that makes me sad.

I sometimes hear you and your brother laughing hysterically over the most ridiculous show in the world; Larva, and I think to myself "he's still my little guy". I get all comfortable thinking I've got so much time before you start being all teenagery. You still like to sleep with your bedroom door open and the hall light on, and you still love for me to read your favorite childhood bedtime stories. The "special books" are what we call them. And then just like that, your dad sends me pictures of you putting together and hanging a book shelf for me and I am reminded of how capable and smart you are. Someday you will be a man hanging pictures, building shelfs, and installing new toilet seats for your own wife!

Another one of my favorite little boy qualities about you is your love and obsession with stuffed animals. It borderlines on insane....you cried the other day because I wouldn't buy you a stuffed pig. It wasn't you being bratty because you weren't getting a toy it was like you had bonded with a real live animal and you were just genuinely sad. And then two days later I get a text from your dad with a picture of you looking like a man while you proudly hold your first kill from the duck hunt he took you on. Later when dad recounted the hunt for me he told me you were so excited that your voice was cracking. This was definitely a coming of age moment for you and I am glad it's a memory you and your dad will always share. 

Most recently you started to ask me some questions about the reality of Santa... I sort of felt sick at where I was sensing the conversation leading. You told me you wanted the truth. I asked you, "What if the truth isn't what you want it to be? Are you prepared for that?" You said that you were and so I told you the truth. You cried a little and so did I. But, when I explained to you that you could help create the magic for your brother you got so excited and in true Landon fashion you immediately began talking about all of your plans for this upcoming Christmas season. Now when we talk about Santa you secretly look at me and wink and I love that you love being in on the magical Christmas secrets with us. I had planned on letting you believe this year and then I was going to tell you the truth if you didn't ask. 

Now, as I am literally writing this you came into my room and asked me if the tooth fairy is real? You said, "I want the truth". So, I opened my top dresser drawer and pulled out my tooth collection. 

"I am the tooth fairy." You just smiled at me kind of knowingly and asked if you could look at your old drawings and school projects that I have saved. See what I mean, Landon? Sweet little boy one minute and serious young man the next. 

I hope these warm Indian Summer days drag out a little longer, although I'm sure I'll never be quite ready for the change in season. I know you'll lead the way because that is who you are and I'll enjoy the ride even when you take the reins. I love you to the moon and back!

The Second Star to the Right

 "The second star to the right shines in the night for you. To tell you that the dreams you plan really can come true.

The second star to the right shines with a light so rare. And if it's Never Land you need it's light will lead you there."

If only Never Land really was a place on a map we could go to, I'd go with you. It would take some convincing on your part though. You are unstoppable and you aren't interested in slowing down time. I love that about you. You turning 5 is a big deal. It feels like we are on the cusp of a whole new chapter of your life and I'm not quite ready for this one to end. Someday you will read a book so good that you will actually be sad when you finish it. That's kind of what this birthday of yours feels like.                           

The good news is I know there is a sequel coming! 

I bought a jar of what I call Pixie dust a few months back and I keep it on a shelf as a reminder of whats at stake in this one lifetime we get to share together. It's a reminder to slow down. I know that it's just a jar of beautiful gold glitter pieces but you actually believe its contents have the ability to transport us to a magical place where time stands still. You and I are in this silly little battle where I desperately want to take you there but you are adamantly opposed. I'm feeling a little stuck, meanwhile you need to explore what is beyond the boundaries. You are outgrowing me I think, literally, and quite figuratively. You are like a beautiful bird who is learning to spread his wings so that you can fly and see everything you never knew existed. People who keep birds in captivity clip their wings so they can't ever really fly and I guess in a weird way that's what taking you to Never Land would be like....like stifling you into captivity.

The day before your birthday I think I teased you about Never Land to the point you were actually terrified I would take you there against your will. Sorry about that little guy. It seemed harmless since I know it's impossible but to you it felt like a real possibility with scary limitations. You know enough about Peter Pan and Never Land to know that if we went there you would never grow up AND you'd be surrounded by pirates which is I'll admit kind of scary. So, I told you the truth about my "magic" jar of pixie dust and just like that you were free. I'm going to hold onto it anyway because a little magic is good for the soul and I think telling you the truth about Never Land maybe set me free too.         

And who knows..someday you might be feeling a little stuck yourself and you may be nostalgic for the idea of a real Never Land and you might just find a whole new appreciation for my jar of pixie dust!

5 is a big year. I literally don't realize how we are already at this place where in the fall I am supposed to watch you get on a school bus and head off to Kindergarten! It's like I fell asleep and when I woke up instead of a day going by I realize years have flown by and I'm not sure where all the time went. The time is just gone...Instead of waking up to a baby I have this independent little boy who is outgrowing my lap and my arms. You tell jokes now and when I read you stories you try to read the words with me. You have all these opinions about things and I can see you not needing me as much to make things better. Instead of a hug and a kiss to fix everything you now have these complicated problems and feelings that you are learning to work through and it's weird for me that you don't NEED me to be the single source of an answer to a problem. I know in my mind that is a good thing I just didn't realize it was actually happening in a tangible way I could observe. It's like watching a butterfly come out for the first time. We know what the process is for a caterpillar and we know that it is literally undergoing the process of metamorphosis and yet we are no less astonished when we see that transformation process coming to fruition before our eyes. It's still amazing to see a butterfly emerge even though we knew it was coming. Thats kind of what watching your kids come into their own is like. 

For the record, I absolutely love the little boy that you are and the young man you are becoming. You have  so much personality! I'm not sure how it's all contained in your little body. Which by the way is always covered in mysterious boy bruises. I swear every time you get dressed or are getting into the bath you have new bumps and scrapes. You literally NEVER stop moving unless you are asleep! You are pure energy! You still LOVE superheroes (especially Spiderman) but this year your new focus seems to be on all things dinosaurs. You love to watch the Jurassic Park/World movies and your favorite dinosaur is a T-Rex. You still love to color and do any and every kind of art project. You love to get dig kits and search for fossils and gems. You also LOVE to take pictures with your iPad and fortunately for me every picture you take is shared to my phone....such a treat... LOL Normally, I delete them because they are totally random and blurry but every now and then I come across one thats a keeper! 

You and your brother are the absolute best parts of my life. Who knew a couple of rowdy rambunctious boys would be my undoing! These first 5 years have been the ride of a lifetime and I know we are just getting started. The best is yet to come!

One of the selfies you took! 

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