Stop & Smell the Roses: September 2018

So, awhile back I bought this journal called; A Mother's Journey, thoughts, feelings, memories.

I love to write to my kids and this journal is full of writing prompts so I just randomly open it to a page, date the entry, and write away. So far its been super fun to look back and see my thoughts at different points along this journey that is parenthood. Lately I've been struggling a bit with mom guilt about a variety of things. Mostly though, my guilt crashes over me like a tsunami wave after I've completely lost it on my kids and yelled/screamed at them. I beat myself up when I know I've lost control verbally and emotionally. And sometimes mom guilt can be crippling and if we allow guilt and shame to creep in it totally robs us of our joy and it becomes the only thing we see.

So, it was perfect when I had some quiet time and I sat down to revisit some old entries and I came across this one I wrote back in January of 2017. And I needed to hear it. So I thought I would share because I KNOW other moms get stuck in the rut of shame and just not feeling good enough.

The Prompt:

What I will one day tell my own adult child about parenting

"You will never be as good a parent as you want. You will set the bar unrealistically high. It's good though because you will constantly be striving to do better, to be better.

With that being said; don't be too hard on yourself. Don't LIVE in the "lows"..your perceived failures. Believe it or not that isn't where your children are living.
They have already moved on and are waiting for you to meet them there.
So forgive yourself so you can be present with them.

Give yourself the same grace you extend to your children.
Remember, grace isn't a license to "mess" up and excuse poor choices or behavior.
Grace is what makes us WANT to be better.

Once you experience the love you have for your children you will more fully understand and comprehend the awesomeness of Jesus' love for you and humanity.
Your children will make you better people."

Thank you boys, for always loving me right where I am at, and for making me want to be a better person every day. I love you to the moon and back, and all the infinities!

I have my two and a half year old; Logan to thanks for being my inspiration today.
To remind me to stop and breathe and even if I'm not feeling peaceful or joyful to declare those as mine anyway.
Oh, and I guess I should be thankful for the "Wee Sing Bible Songs" CD for helping to ingrain sweet little songs about Jesus in my boy's little heads.

Today I am definitely NOT walking on sunshine. I slept AWFUL last night and I have been for the last few nights and you mamas know how rough it is to take care of your little people when you are tired. Not to mention I feel like Im coming down with something...UGH. I have been clammy and hot all day, nauseous on and off, and just exhausted. BUT...my husband left early this morning for work and won't be back until Wednesday. I don't have family to call and help me out and most of the time I'm fine and I don't need help. Let me tell you..if I had family around; today would be a day I ask for a little help. And you know little people don't stop needing you just because you're under the weather. In fact...it seems like they suddenly need you more! What is this!

This morning I had to rush to get out the door to take Landon to his first ever football game!
Even though I was feeling blah I was still excited for him. Logan is a champ at all the football practices so I figure it would be a easy going morning. WRONG. I didn't realize I had to walk a mile to get to the actual stadium for games. I didn't realize it was going to go from 65 degrees out to 80 degrees in less than an hour so its hot as you know what especially since Im like feverish.
Also, since Austin is gone I have to carry all our crap... I have also been tasked by my husband to film the game with our GoPro since he cant be there so I have to worry about remembering how to set up the tripod and get the actual game recorded...

Also, it's flag football so insert eyeroll and I now I get to be "that parent"...
Thanks Austin and I love you :)

Let me sidestep for a moment to the actual conversation I am having with my almost 7 year old as we ~~walk~~ hike to the field. He is talking about how small he used to be at various points of my pregnancy with him. Like the idea that he was the size of a bean or even a grapefruit is like astonishing to him. So we talk about how microscopically small he used to be and then he does it...he asks THE question;

"Mom, did I come out of your bagina"? Yes, he pronounces vagina with a B

Let me just say we are like 3 of the 50 people hiking the trail to the fields and Landon talks loud so yeah...Up until this point I've just kind of let Landon believe childbirth is like a chicken laying an egg..He hasn't seemed too curious and it isn't THAT far off...So yeah...my almost 7 year old thinks I'm a laying hen. Since he asked I figured I'd tell him the truth so I said "yes".
He got really quiet and then seemed grossed out. I said, "aren't you sorry I had to do that"?
He says with disdain; "No, aren't YOU sorry that you did that to me" as he walks ahead of me in complete shock! I was DYING. I missed my husband so bad because I knew we would be belly laughing together. Anyway, the whole time we're walking towards the fields Logan is in his own little world singing "I've got peace like a river in my soul".
I just had to take stock of my mood and my situation and just smile.

The smiling did not last long. The set up for this flag football game was legit. Like the players were on the field separated from the spectators by a fence and we had actual bleachers to sit on which would have been nice to know before I lugged around a big camping chair! This also meant that I couldn't quietly and discreetly set up the GoPro...No, I had to walk onto the sideline of the field where the coaches and players are warming up and grunting while doing warm up exercises.
So that means ALL the other parents and spectators get to watch me fumble with this stupid tripod while I attempt to look cool and seem like I know what Im doing. One dad is looking at me with real contempt so I said'
"don't judge me, my husband's a nerd and cant make it to the game and he didn't want to miss it"

Sorry Austin that I threw you under the bus...I think it's actually really sweet that you care and that even more than that you know Landy cares so you want him to know that he matters and is important to you. I totally get it but it was still a little embarrassing.

Finally, I got it all set up and recording (I think) and I thought; finally I can sit and relax while my perfect toddler entertains himself and gets adoring glances from all the other parents and grandparents.
NOPE. Maybe he is coming down with something too but he is a nightmare to deal with once the game gets started. Whiny, irritating, needy, and of course its all compounded because I feel like crap and I keep wondering if Im going to have to find somewhere private to throw up! The game finally ends and then Landon is whiny too and I know we have another mile to hike back to the car and by this point I'm drenched in sweat AND Logan is demanding to be carried.
Also, I realized as I was grabbing the stupid GoPro that I may have recorded absolutely nothing...
so yeah, theres that.

We make it back to the car and I blast the AC the whole way home. I keep telling myself I just need to eat lunch and nap with Logan and all will be well. Lunch goes pretty smoothly until I realize for dessert Logan decided to chew on a glow stick and apparently cracked it and now there is fluorescent juice to deal with...I determine not much could have gotten into his mouth and I google

"help my kid just ate a glow stick"

And I am quickly reminded that toddlers are insane and apparently this happens a lot!
Especially around the fourth of July.
From what I gather the fluorescent juice is ONLY mildly toxic and drinking milk seems to be a common theme in treating this condition. So cool as a cucumber we rinse his mouth and he drinks some milk and he seems fine. Finally its NAP time. Landon asks me to put on Willy Wonka and can he have some chocolate while he watches! Logan and I promptly pass out and when I hear him wake up an hour and a half later I decided to sleep just a little bit longer...
I can hear the boys playing downstairs and it sounds relatively calm.
Whats the worst that can happen?

ROOKIE mistake.

I don't fall into a deep sleep just that sort of on the edge resting.
So, when I hear Landon say to Logan those dreaded words...
"C'mon we need to wash your hands"
I JUMPED out of my bed like the house was burning down.
I internally yelled at myself

"What were you thinking! You can't doze while your two crazy boys play together unsupervised"!

I could only imagine the carnage I would find waiting for me downstairs.

I was pleasantly surprised...It was ONLY every single pillow, blanket, and sheet in my house in a heaping pile...apparently its a "fort" I use that term loosely. There was a container of cookies out that was almost completely empty but they are healthy Trader Joe cookies so it's okay.
There were a few empty boxes doubling as their beds, and my personal favorite was a makeshift chocolate factory where the green pigs from Angry Birds doubled as oompa loompas....
and they didn't eat all my chocolate they were merely using them as props! Well, logan ate one which is why Landon was having him wash his hands...so responsible my kids.
I think I was just so relieved because it could have been so much worse and when I thought about the day I was having and how stressed I was feeling Logan's little voice filled my head.

"Ive got peace like a river in my soul"

And I just had to laugh and take a few pictures of their crazy boyish antics. And I do feel so much better after napping. So here's to keeping the peace and finding my joy!