Stop & Smell the Roses: May 2017

Over the last 6 months I have given more thought to my relationship with my mother than ever before. I recently found out about the loss of someone very special to me; a woman I deeply admired and respected and even loved. She was also a mother to two young women and I wonder what mother's days are like for them...and not just mother's day, but everyday. And what about the big days in their futures? What about graduations, weddings, the birth of their own children, you know; the day they themselves become mothers? And what about the days when life gives them more than they can handle and all they want is their mom? My heart absolutely breaks for them.

In the last year I have also developed relationships with other women MY age who have lost their mothers too soon to scary words like cancer and other illnesses. Maybe most devastating of all was finding out my best friend in the whole world was diagnosed with cancer last year. By the way, she is a mother. She has two beautiful children and a husband who need her around for the next 50 or so years. If I think about it too much I feel like I can't breathe so I can only imagine the dark places my friend has gone in her mind. So, because none of us are promised tomorrow I just have a few thoughts about my mom. I want to love her like I'm going to lose her. The lyrics from the song below perfectly capture the way I want to love not just my mother but all the important people in my life.

"Like I'm Gonna Lose You"
Meghan Trainor

In the blink of an eye
Just a whisper of smoke
You could lose everything
The truth is you never know

Mom, this post is for you and inspired by you.

A beautiful soul

Moms are the makers of memories. Its what they do in a million different ways. Mostly its all behind the scenes and seemingly invisible. Much of what goes into making those memories may go unnoticed and maybe even unappreciated. Of course none of this is intentional its just part of the calling of motherhood. Its the choices moms make everyday to love and care for their littles. Its the snotty noses they wipe day in and day out, its the hundreds and maybe even thousands of diapers they change. Its kisses for scrapes and bumps and bruises. Its cooking meals day in and day out and worrying about the nutritional value of EVERYTHING. Its baths, and bedtime stories, and prayers. Its songs sung by moonlight when they are tucking in their babes. Its snuggles and tickle fights. Its ENDLESS amounts of laundry and cleaning only to have everything undone in a matter of minutes. Its answering ten thousand questions sometimes more than once! Its endless "are we there yets". Its creating a magical and beautiful childhood on a shoestring budget. Its many sleepless nights that don't end with the infant stage.

I imagine sleep eludes mothers intermittently throughout their lives. If it isn't nighttime feedings, upset tummies, or bad dreams its teenagers learning to spread their wings and waiting for them to come home safely to the nest. It might be mamas knowing its finals week in college and they are plagued by the anxiety that keeps their not so little one up at night. It might be a mama worried about her youngest going through the brutal-ness that is ARMY basic training. And just like that her little boy becomes a soldier in the blink of an eye. It might be a mama who is awaiting the birth of her babie's baby. Whatever life throws our way whether its our highest highs or our lowest lows if you're lucky your mom is celebrating every victory at every peak but she's right there in the valley too.
Wherever you go she is willing to walk with you.

The thing is when you love someone more than you love yourself the things that make or break them make or break you too.

One of the things I love about moms is their ability to keep on giving of themselves in every way imaginable; physically, mentally, emotionally, and when they are sure they have nothing left to give they go on and give some more...and its funny but even the moments you think you hate you actually love because isn't that what unconditional love is..

When you become a mother you lose a piece of yourself but what you gain is bigger than you could ever have imagined. Being a mom means you won't always be noticed but you will become the noticer. You will notice everything, and you will sweat the details because the details are where its at...thats where the memories are made. You will wonder if you got it right, were you, NO; ARE you enough, did you get it right, could you have done better.... And inevitably you can't get it all right....but moms, they keep on trying anyway...
Thats the thing about moms, they never stop giving and trying. They are fierce that way.

I think often mothers are too hard on themselves. I think they tend to focus on their own perceived shortcomings and mistakes. And it really isn't fair because hindsight is always 20/20 and sometimes when you look back on different situations you have a different kind of clarity because you aren't in the middle of whatever mess or disaster life was giving you. The fact is, when you feel like you are sinking you do the best that you can to stay afloat. Sometimes treading water while you wait for a rescue boat is all you can do. Maybe you can't always be the one doing the saving. That's an enormous amount of pressure to put on one's self. I guess thats just what moms do. We want to be everything for everyone ALL the time.

My childhood wasn't all sunshine and roses BUT when I reflect back on my childhood its the sunshine and roses that come to mind. If I could go back and be a kid again I totally would. I think I have my mom to thank for that!

Mom, you might not have got it all perfect and none of us can but man, the parts you got right were SPOT ON. You were a fun mom, and you were and are the perfect mom for me. When I think of the kind of mom you were I am overcome with love and gratitude for you.

You made us..US. Its like if our family was a universe you were at the center of it all keeping us aligned.

You read us stories, and prayed with us, I remember you singing me songs and tickling my back. I know that at the end of a long day with THREE kids that was you giving us an invaluable piece of yourself.
You are the kind of mom that cooked dinner every night and made eating together as a family a priority. Dinner time was sacred and so much fun, and its a tradition that matters to me to this day! When I think of our family I remember a whole lot of dancing and belly laughing. You and dad showed us it was okay to be real and even silly. ESPECIALLY silly might be a more accurate description.

Mom, if I think about it you were the icing on the cake, the cherry on top, the zest, the flair, the caramel drizzle, the whip cream on the pie...You were the pizazz and by the way I can't play the game of Yahtzee with anyone else and NOT be disappointed! No one yells Yahtzee like you.
You always were the one thing that made everything better. You are the ultimate enhancer and binder of our family. I don't know how you did it but my childhood was truly magical. And I know that isn't an accident or coincidence. Its the million little things you did and said everyday. Its those tiny details and thoughts you put into things that maybe at the time seemed small or insignificant but I assure you; all those little deposits of love, time, attention, and acts of service made a priceless impact on my life.

I love you more than you know and hope that one day my kids can say some of the same things about me as their mother. Thank you for setting the bar so high!