Great Expectations

Landon,

Right now you are upstairs warm and snuggled up in your bed.
Tomorrow when you wake up you will be 8!
So, while you are drifting off to sleep I am continuing on the important tradition of your birthday letter.

I wrote your first official birthday letter 4 years ago and now it has become something I look forward to every year. I love to go back and read about the things you were doing and it's interesting to see my thoughts and perspective as your mother throughout the years. I just finished reading the very first birthday letter I wrote you.
You were 4 years old and I am astonished by how much you were already you...
Your little personality has always been there, it's just that you are MORE of yourself.




It's the hardest thing to explain but I guess it's like a house. Like, when you were born there were blue prints, and then the foundation was laid and the concrete poured. Then the beams went up and the  windows and doors were framed out. The insulation, plumbing, electrical, all of those things were done and I could see in my mind's eye the finished product.

I could see the potential and I had ideas about what the finished house would look like.
I suppose I still have ideas about what you will look like, and what kind of person you will be.  Sometimes I imagine different scenarios and situations you will face as you get older and I imagine how I think you might react. I imagine different careers I could see you in. I imagine the kind of teenager I think you will be. And of course as a parent its normal and natural to think and wonder. Since I have seen your blue prints and have been a part of laying your foundation and building out the framework for who you are I imagine 4 years from now when I'm writing to you for your 12th birthday maybe I won't be so shocked when I realize you are just MORE of who you are.
And over the years details that I never imagined will be added.

My one dimensional blue prints didn't include any landscaping so I just pictured lots and lots of sunflowers.
The thing is, you prefer red tulips and neat organized flower beds.
And, I didn't realize that the one thing the blue prints were missing was a wrap around porch with hanging swings but you knew that was a must.
In my mind I pictured the house brick and stone but you like the color blue, so now the house is blue and it looks better that way. The blue prints I saw had designated one of the rooms as an office but you decided to turn it into your art studio and now there are beautiful and original one of a kind pieces hanging on the walls of your house.
I pictured generic and safe neutral colors for the walls but you envisioned something different so now one of the rooms has an orange accent wall and it just happens to be the thing that ties the room together.
And I swear the original blue prints had an attached mother-in-law suite (for me obviously)
I noticed you turned that into a music studio...

I am so honored that I got to be a part of the initial design process. And your dad and I have tried to lay a solid foundation and we will continue to ALWAYS check for any cracks. The integrity of your foundation and walls and the plumbing and HVAC stuff largely falls on us while you are in our home.  Leaky pipes and roof issues thats where we step in. YAY fun!

But you...you get to add the colors to the walls, you get to designate how the space is used.
You get to pick out the flowers for your garden. The rooms should reflect who you are as a person and I know over the years there will be some major renovations. Your cute little airplane bedroom that you share with your brother will one day be all yours and I'm sure Dusty and Skipper will be replaced with sports memorabilia and pictures of fast cars.
Your dresser will no longer hold all of your special lego creations that you don't want Logan to be able to reach. Instead there will be manly smelling cologne and deodorant..maybe even a picture of your girlfriend instead of the
"I love you to the moon and back" picture frame I got you.
Your stuffed monkey with the crocheted scarf I made will be packed away in some box labeled keepsakes.
By the way that scarf was supposed to be for you but...Yeah... I DON'T crochet.

Honestly, I'm glad the details are up to you.

You are so much better that anything I could imagine! You surpass every expectation because you add something no one else can...YOU.

Know this; I expect great things for you!
And because I know YOU and  your blueprints and foundation I expect great things from you.
I can't wait to be right about how great you will be and all of the amazing things you will do in this world.
But, I also can't wait to be wrong about the specifics of what that looks like.
I can't wait to see how YOU work out the details, because I know anything that I imagine is missing your imagination. And it's your dreams and imagination that will bring depth and profound life to my one dimensional blueprints.

So go on Landy, innovate, develop, re-design and break the mold.
Feel free to demolish, move walls, and build additions.
Modernize, and restore; renovate to your heart's desire!

Willy Wonka sang it best in "Pure Imagination"

We'll begin
With a spin
Traveling in
The world of my creation
What we'll see
Will defy
Explanation

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world?
There's nothing to it

I want to see a world of your creation

Stud

I could watch you watching helicopters all day

I LOVE that you are still okay with being silly

New Hair

Air Show 2019

Loving this less toothy grin

Little boys should never be sent to bed.
They always wake up a day older.
-Peter Pan

Here's to turning 8 and GR8T EXPECTATIONS!

Ode to Austin

Since it's Father's Day I just wanted to take a moment to honor the best dad I know.

Austin, I have never seen a man father the way you do. You are all in all the time. Your patience and dedication inspires me every day. You are a man of integrity and it shows in how you live your life. Nothing about you is for show.
Your goodness, kindness, and generosity are genuine. Its one of the things I love most about you.

I love that you make spending quality time with our boys a priority. You take the time to explain and teach things to them. You are so intentional and it shows. I love that our boys get to see you use your talents to serve and love God. I love that you pray REAL prayers with them. I love that you bring bible stories to life for them. I know you think it's not that big of a deal the things you do because in your mind thats just what a dad should do. Today I just want to remind you that it is absolutely a big deal.


You are raising future men of God and this world needs more men like you in it. I can't wait to see the men our boys become. I think you should know that I believe they will aspire to be the kind of man you are. As a father is there really any higher honor than knowing your boy's dream is to grow up to be just like you? I can tell you with certainty that you are Landon's favorite person in this world.
Yes, it pains me to admit that but for now I've still got Logan!

You are this family's anchor and you are absolutely irreplaceable. Because I am a weird and morbid person we have talked about death way too much but seriously...you can't die first.

You are the heartbeat and rhythm of our family. Because you love music so much I was thinking about the parts of a song and how that if our life was a song you are the best parts.
Give me a mic and I MIGHT be able to do some backup and harmonize with you..
You could maybe throw me a tambourine if you're feeling lucky...But you...

You are the chorus, you're what the listener is waiting for.
The best and most memorable part of the song...the hook.

As if being the chorus wasn't enough you are also the bridge. You break up the repetitiveness and add an element of surprise. You go rouge and mix up the chords, rhythm, and melody...
you make the song interesting.

And when things start to get crazy you are the break the song needs. You give space and time for the music to breathe. If the atmosphere is right you might build the music up for a complete shift in where the song is going. Sometimes you might even go into a new song..seamlessly because you are that good.

I guess what I am trying to say is you are the melody to our song...

mel·o·dy

/ˈmelədē/

Learn to pronounce

noun

1. - a sequence of single notes that is musically satisfying.
   - musically satisfying sequences of notes collectively.

   
   

   
   

   
   

Anyway, I just wanted you to know you are so loved, appreciated, and admired today and everyday. Today was just a good excuse to remind you and myself how truly blessed we are to have you.
Here are some pictures of you and the boys that I adore!

Here you are just being you with our boys. Laughing, and having adventures together.
I have a feeling that it's in stolen moments like these and just watching you live your life where our boys will learn to live theirs.

"I believe that what we become depends on what our fathers teach us at odd moments, when they aren't trying to teach us. We are formed by little scraps of wisdom." -Umberto Eco

This one!

Logi's 3rd Bday

Logi's Smile

There are not enough words for how much I love you in this  moment

This was a good day!

My boys

Best. Photo. Ever.

Just a couple of nuts

I am so glad I married you!

Playing Hooky

Boys! Your sweet little expressions perfectly convey how I feel about playing hooky. It's not something we do often but that's what makes it such an unexpected treat. I had so much fun with you guys today. As you both get older I find that my role is much more passive. For instance, at the playground you two are happy to run around imagining a whole new world where anything is possible. I am free to get lost in my thoughts which is sometimes exactly what I need.

Watching you guys run, and laugh and exist in a place where you are the masters of your realities was my favorite part today. I looked around and saw other mom's in different stages than me and I found myself sort of going back in time and remembering. Some of the memories tug at my heart a little more than I am comfortable with. Just when I would get a little teary eyed another mom would yell at her one year old for trying to eat mulch for the umpteenth time. Or, I saw another little boy who was an escape artist and watching his mom get that panicked look on her face and then sprinting around constantly snapped me back into my wonderful reality. Of course our current stage isn't all sunshine and rainbows..BUT, mostly I just feel like we are nestled into this sweet, perfect little spot and so I'm glad we celebrated that today.

I LOVE books and I am so hoping that my love for them is contagious. I keep a basket on my dresser with the best of the best. They are the one's I couldn't bear to part with and I love to imagine that those stories will wiggle their way right into your hearts. I can't wait to give them to you one day when you have babies of your own and my hope is that something inside you will light up because you will get to go back in time and experience a little bit of childhood magic. Today when we played hooky I couldn't help but think of the book "Mrs. Muddle's Holidays". It just so happens that this beautiful story lives in our specials basket. Mrs. Muddle takes celebration to a new level and I'm not sure I could ever compete with her tenacity. And I'm not even talking about the generic holidays. Mrs. Muddle is a master at noticing the small things and finding ways to celebrate all of life's in between moments.

Landon, you are my holiday guru. I mean, every holiday is your favorite until the next one is around the corner and then that holiday becomes the apple of your eye. I love this about you! So I know our annual hooky day is right up your alley and will become something you anticipate every year! We are so keeping this tradition alive. Don't be surprised when I call you up in thirty years and in Anna's little voice from the movie Frozen when she say's; "do you wanna build a snowman"?

I'll say to you; "Do you wanna play hooky"!

So here's to Mrs. Muddle's Holidays and remembering to slow down and take the time to stop and smell the roses.

I know these pictures will always bring a smile to my face and I'll remember when....

Logan, you insisted on having a "broken" neck

Your little smile...

Just a couple of brothers taking on the world one dragon at a time.

Obsessed with this duck...her feather tuft is the cutest thing ever!

Queen

Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them A.A. Milne

We were all a little enamored with this monstrosity of a gentle beast

Loving this guy's new and less toothy grin

My whole heart

Marvel

mar·vel

/ˈmärvəl/

to be filled with wonder or astonishment

I have found that since becoming a mother I have ample opportunity to marvel at my life. Daily even! There are so many times my husband and I will look at each other and just laugh because there are no words. 

For instance...

Never in my life did I think one day I would wake up to find the carrot container on our guest bed with the lid removed and right smack in the middle of all the carrots a chewed up and spit out pile of carrots. Courtesy of Logan

I knew one day I would take my boys to the movies and share delicious and hot buttery popcorn while being magically transported to another world because of Disney. What I did not imagine taking place on this perfect afternoon out was taking a drink of my refreshing ice water only to find my mouth full of chewed up popcorn back wash...And there was no choice but to swallow. 

Courtesy of Logan

I could imagine that at various points in my life my kids behavior might embarress me. I feel like that is kind of a given. But, I never thought my 2 year old would scream and tell me I'm a butthole in the middle of Target...

How does a 2 year old even know that word you might wonder...

Thanks to an older brother he is wise beyond his years in many ways. 

Some times it's a good thing and then other times, not so good... 

I didn't know that one day I would write a beautiful and eloquent song that my children would love entitled; Farty McGarts.

I didn't know that if I left tomatoes out on the counter that my son would take his teenage mutant ninja turtle sword and stab all of them because they are bad guys basically rendering my tomatoes useless. Courtesy of Logan 

I used to wonder about parents who had kids that wrote on walls with markers, like; who LETS their kids do that, WHERE is the supervision....Then I had Logan. 

I didn't ever expect to come home and find bites taken out of all the brand new apples I bought...THAT DAY. Courtesy of Logan

I never thought I would be effected by postpartum depression. I didn't know what hopelessness was until I experienced that. I didn't know that your own mind and thoughts could betray you and make you believe your family would be better off without you. I never thought I would understand why people decide to end their lives until I experienced having my mind and emotions hi-jacked. Some women aren't so lucky and postpartum depression steals their lives and my heart breaks for them and their families. 

I'm so glad that on the other side of that hopelessness is my life's greatest joy. 

Seriously, my children are the best thing I have ever done. 

No career accolades or epic journey to "find" myself could ever compare to motherhood. And I marvel at how lucky I am that I get to be one of the most influential people in my boy's lives.

After gym date at Starbucks

Being a mom has allowed me to experience every range of emotion on this planet. I've been on the peaks of mountain tops and in some pretty deep valleys too. I've been tangled up in thorny vines and even fallen into a pit or two. I've flown high in the skies and also been pounded by the storms of life that I imagine look like raging seas. We moms don't let the storms of life drown us. 

We've got people who need us. A really smart fish named Dory once said; 

"When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do...Just keep swimming"! 

I think the thing I love about women and moms the most is how fierce our love is. Because even when we don't have anything left to give we find a way to get it done. It may not always look pretty but we are closers. We are mama's, hear us roar! Also, as The Boss Baby says; "cookies are for closers" so get yo-self a cookie! And keep on keeping on, its what we do. 

Okay, now that I've proven I'm a feminist despite my conservative beliefs ;) I can get to what this post is really about!

You might have noticed Logan's named popped up quite a few times for instances when there are no words...Thats because its that time again...

Birthday post time and Logan is 3!

The theme for this post was actually super easy to come up with because my little dude is OBSESSED with Spiderman. If you remember last year it was all about the horses. He has graduated to full blown super hero status. So thank you Stan Lee and Marvel comics for inspiring another little boy to believe in himself and to dream big and maybe even impossible dreams but to dream none the less! 

Just a side note: When choosing the name Logan it partially won because hello, Wolverine! I didn't realize this but he is also associated with Marvel comics. Kind of an uncanny coincidence. 

When I think about Logan and who he is and his place in our family I really do marvel at it all, at him. He is a force to be reckoned with. Just ask his PawPaw...

poor guy got sucker punched in the face last time he visited. PawPaw and him were wrestling and I guess PawPaw thought they were finished. Logan didn't get that memo! Sometimes Logan gets a little carried away so we have taken away his rights to watch Spiderman for a little while. 

For those of you who don't know; Logan is my rainbow baby and truly I believe a gift from God and God's timing is nothing short of miraculous. I was devastated when I found out I lost the baby between Landon and Logan.That baby was a SURPRISE but of course we were happy anyway. So at 12 weeks when they couldn't find a heartbeat I think something in me broke. I don't know how to explain it any better that that. 

That sweet baby was supposed to make his or her debut the summer of 2015. In fact my sweet niece was getting married within days of my due date so I wasn't even going to be able to make the wedding and we were thinking my husband might have to miss out too which was sad to contemplate but you know how babies can be, they come when they are ready. Obviously we were able to attend her wedding and I am grateful for that. In fact, me and my sister in law were the one's who got to plan her bachelorette party so that was super cool.  I will say despite the joyous occasion knowing that my angel baby's due date was coming up was hard for me. I couldn't help but feel cheated. And of course I was imagining what life would have been like had that pregnancy progressed. We should have been welcoming a new addition to our family. I was heart-broken. Before we left for the wedding festivities I took a pregnancy test because my "cycle" seemed off if you get my drift ;) 

And just like that...there was a plus sign and the promise of a new addition to our family after all. I know Logan isn't a replacement but he was hope for me, and a very welcomed distraction. Landon says that maybe Logan was our baby that went to heaven but maybe God gave him back to us. I know that with God anything is possible and it is kind of sweet to imagine that.  

When I was pregnant with Logan I was so scared that when he came I wouldn't have enough love for him and Landon. I was afraid I would favor Landon because he had already claimed my heart. I was afraid I would forever compare the two and that Landon would be the measuring stick Logan would be graded by.
Again, as has happened to me so many times I was astonished by the capacity at which I have to love both boys wholly and separately with all of my heart. I love and celebrate their differences. One is not better, just different and I am so glad and relieved at their differences. It's the differences that make them so special and unique. And it is so interesting to me how they can be SO alike and so strikingly different at the same time. 

Here is a snapshot of who you are sweet Logan!

You are so very energetic. And sometimes you drain me but at night when I am praying I thank God for your energy because it means you are so strong and healthy. You don't need less energy I need more patience! I don't want to ever water down who you are. There is a fine line between doing that and smoothing off rough edges and teaching and training you up. Sometimes I blur those lines a little but I am getting better and will do better!

You could watch Spiderman 3 times a day every day and still love it! You even repeat lines and re-enact scenes. I love that you are my Peter Parker and I get to be your Mary Jane Watson for a little while. I call Landon my Peter Pan and you get so mad when he calls me his Wendy! It's hysterical! 

"Her is NOT Wendy. Her IS Mary Jane Watson"

So, I have to secretly look at Landon and wink at him because you don't know this yet but I can be both and that doesn't make me any less Wendy or Mary Jane.
At this point you don't like to share me a whole lot and I know its a phase so I'm trying to enjoy it and not be too exhausted by being "the one"...your one.
We recently realized that both you and Landon's  nicknames have the initials "PP".
Peter Parker and Peter Pan
Sometimes when I'm feeling silly I say "goodnight PP1, goodnight PP2" and you and Landon laugh hysterically because you know, PeePee.

At night when we pray you pray for God to help Jesus, and to help mama, and Landon, and "Uncle Ben" and "Harry". 

FYI, you don't actually have an Uncle Ben and Daddy is not actually Harry but I love that in your mind you really are Spiderman. You do shoot webs, you can climb walls, you do get the beautiful girl, you are a super hero and get to save the day.

You recently started pre-school and you love it! You have all kinds of little friends and like I knew you would you have adjusted well and found your little place. Everyone who meets you loves you and comments on how funny and sweet you are. You are so smart and have had great command over language from a young age! It might have something to do with a big brother who loves to talk and tell stories, and ask thousands of questions! 

You have a wonderful imagination and LOVE to be with your big brother doing big brother things. You are super brave and tough but also sensitive. Girls love strong men who aren't afraid of their emotions! Oh, you also LOVE to color, mostly pictures from your Spiderman coloring book. You are seriously the best colorer for your age! You take your time and are so neat.
You also love to paint and play with play-doh. 

You drive me crazy because you are always MIXING the colors...AARGH! 

One of my biggest pet peeves. I've gotten much better though, I don't want to steal your creative joy.

You went through this little phase where you wanted me to draw a spider bite along with a spider on your hand with markers where Peter Parker was bitten before his transformation. You loved showing it off and re-enacting the scene where Peter changes into Spiderman! I never want to forget these silly little things that make you you.

You with play-doh..probably laughing maniacally bc you are mixing the colors

In the last 6 months you have had stitches or "itches" 3 times. The first time Landon was trying to help you at the bowling alley and instead caused you to drop and then fall onto the bowling ball thus busting your chin open. I wasn't there, as classy as this sounds I was out getting a tattoo with Miss April and daddy didn't tell me how bad it really was. Anyway, I felt so horrible for not being there with you so the very next day you obliged me and busted your stitches open because you were climbing around being a boy. So back to the hospital it was. Then just a few weeks ago you hit your brother with a toy knife or "naf" as you call it and in retaliation he decided he would throw the naf in the general direction of your face! Before I even realized you were gushing blood I took off after your brother to "get that butt" as I so fondly refer to spankings. Gasp! Yes, I occasionally spank my children.
When I turned around to comfort you I saw the blood and knew it was going to be another round of "itches".
You got a real kick out of telling people your brother threw a naf at your head and there was a brief moment when I thought I might have to have a sit down with social services...Anyway, I imagine that one day when you and Landon are older obviously you will be best friends and teasing each other will be a daily part of your dynamic. And I just know that you will hold this story over Landon's head for the rest of your lives. I imagine hearing it retold through the years from both of your perspectives and Im sure that the naf will get bigger and the amount of blood that was spilled will grow depending on who is telling the story and whether or not the audience includes teenaged girls you're trying to impress.

Itches Round 1

Itches Round 3 your face after you pushed the "call nurse" button when I told you not to...Rotten

Your "tough guy" face

You are already naturally super athletic and co-ordinated so I think sports are definitely in your future. Don't tell Landon but I imagine because he is SO competitive and gets SO mad if he doesn't excel immediately I can see you just having the natural ability and talent and driving him insane but in a good brotherly competitive way.

Already trying to be a baseball player like Landon

When I read over the post from your birthday last year I realize in many ways you are the same. You are just more "you" if that makes sense. Your grip on who you are is getting firmer and you are stepping boldly into who you are. Last year I wrote about how I was excited to play the infinities game with you and Landon.
I was excited about how interesting and fun it would be. Let me tell you, you do not disappoint. You were born to play this game with me and Landon. And just like with Landon I let you win because I know deep down I love you infinitely more than you can ever know or imagine.

I know I will continue to Marvel at the little boy you are. I love who you are, I couldn't have asked for a better boy. Even if I tried to imagine you and create you and pick and choose your qualities I could have never created the marvelous masterpiece you are. I am so glad you are made in God's image and not mine.

I love you infinity of all the spiderwebs that have ever existed, that do exist, and will ever exist!

Happy Birthday Spiderman!
Here are some more of my favorite pictures from the last year!

Fly high little guy

Hopefully in the future your date looks as happy as you :)

Your idea of "beebee" or baby Logan

Dino Logi

The art of licking the cone

Dress up at the library...I imagine you are a waitress named Darlene

Im obsessed with this photo!

More library dress up!

Pumpkin loving Logi

Also how I feel about milk shakes

You are just my favorite

Bahaha your face

The only time being a snow-flake is cute or acceptable

Just shooting webs and saving the day

Spiderman's got nothing on you

Keep on shooting webs, climbing walls, destroying villians, and stealing hearts.
I'll always be your Mary Jane Watson and your biggest fan.