I Knew Him When...

 Happy 9th birthday Landy-Bear! It's birthday letter time. 

A time to reflect and just enjoy who you are at this moment. 

I was trying to think if there was a word or series of words that could sum up this year into a "theme". 

This year in particular I have become increasingly aware that you are slowly becoming more of a young man. You are still very much my little boy and the changes I have seen have been so subtle that I might have missed them if this year hadn't forced me to be so present. I am sure 2020 will forever be known as the year of COVID-19... It has been a crazy year for sure. Fear, anxiety, mistrust, corruption, divisiveness and quite honestly just plain old hatefulness have cast a shadow over our Nation. Of course there is a flip side to all of that negativity and I choose to focus on that. 

I hope Dad and I teach you to always look for the silver lining, to think for yourself, and try to remember to always look at life through the lens of our creator. Truth is absolute and there is only one source so anytime you are unsure of how to feel or think about a situation consider your source and always go to THE source.

I know this; I am  grateful for extra time spent at home with you and your brother. I am grateful that while it feels like people around this country are absolutely losing their minds our little family has bonded together and I have never been more sure of where I place my trust and hope. 

When we found out you weren't going to be allowed to go back to school in person your Dad and I were so frustrated and irritated. When we decided to homeschool you I was filled with fear and uncertainty. I was afraid I would fail you. I realize now how silly and small minded those fears were. This year and the CHOICE to homeschool feels like such a gift. I have gotten to know you and see you in a completely new way. I am completely astonished and blown away by the young man you are becoming. There is a saying: "You don't know what you don't know" and I think it so perfectly applies this year. 

If I look at our relationship as mother and son it's on a spectrum or continuum and I can only know what I have seen or experienced first hand. So today if I were to put an "X" on the timeline of our relationship I can only know you in a finite and tangible way to date. And even then it's in a limited capacity because you and I have our own timelines. And while they run parallel and intersect at certain points there is still time unaccounted for. So, I guess what all of this extra time with you is showing me is who you were becoming and who you are becoming in the space on your own timeline. 

I know you are smart. What I didn't know is that you have the mind of a scientist. You think about things deeply and profoundly. You think in layers. Reason and logic matter to you at 8 and 9 years old in such a way that have you asking theological questions that only God can answer for you. I love that God gave you a curious and brilliant mind. 

I knew writing wasn't your favorite thing to do in school even though you have beautiful handwriting so when I would see papers sent home from school with very basic one sentence answers written down for questions that were meant for paragraphs I think I underestimated your proclivity for critical thinking. Homeschooling has shown me you have enough ideas, thoughts, sentences, and paragraphs in your mind to fill pages with answers to all sorts of questions. You just prefer verbal expression as opposed to written. Writing is such an important communication tool so you will have to take the time to sit down and put pen to paper but, just knowing this about you is interesting and makes me feel like I know you in a more unique way. 

I don't think you had really covered much history in public school yet so being able to teach and for myself re-learn a lot of history with you has been so much fun! I am so impressed with the way your mind retains information and concepts. As your mom and now as your teacher it is so clear to me that your potential is pretty limitless. I can see your strengths and I know your weaknesses too. I can honestly say that you will be the only thing that ever holds yourself back. You are blessed to have the mind you do.   All you have to do is try on a very basic level and I know you will succeed. So I pray that God will give you the drive and the focus needed to push your mind to do all the things it is meant to do. There is no room for laziness or apathy with a mind like yours!                         

The world needs more scientific and analytical minds who also believe in Jesus. 

You happen to be pretty unapologetic in your beliefs and values which is kind of a rare thing these days. I think this is one of your qualities that will make you stand out in the world. You are a leader, not a follower, which also makes you pretty stubborn! I pray that God will mold your stubbornness into an unshakeable faith in Him. I imagine that your beautiful and intricate mind coupled with an unwavering love for God and a desire for knowledge guided by Him will lead you down an extraordinary path. 

I see an exciting future for you filled with adventure and a never ending quest for answers to questions most people are afraid to ask or never thought to consider. 

So yeah, I don't know what I don't know. I know a lot about you but I am glad I don't know everything. I love that even though I know you as much as a person can know someone you still surprise me everyday.  

A scientist is a person who investigates to learn more about God's creation. I never thought I was any good at science but I think maybe I was just looking at it all wrong. I think maybe I am a scientist after all and you are my favorite field of study! We have learned together that scientists are very good at observing and asking questions. As a mother that is kind of my full time job so I guess I am killing it as a scientist. As an expert scientist in my particular field of study I hypothesize that you will grow up to be a world changer. I predict that you will be a man of wisdom and integrity. Your heart and mind will belong to Jesus and your life and relationships will reflect that! 

I love you Landon! Keep making marks on that timeline of yours and maybe someday you'll make history.  

And I'll look at where our timelines intersected and say;

"I knew him when"

The Sound of Boys

Overhead I hear the stampeding sound of little boy's feet
Boom.Boom.Boom
THUNDEROUS and impossibly loud for their size
I feel the vibrations beneath my own feet, like a small earthquake
If our house had thoughts would she be afraid of crumbling away footstep by footstep

Rapid machine-gun fire sounds in the distance
as their mouths and tongues make impossible sounds that I can't seem to mimic
Sometimes I wonder if all little boys have this ability

Battles are being won and lost as soldiers bark orders
I hear their voices deepen and take on an air of authority as men jump from helicopters ready for war
Words and phrases like "base" "the agency" "RPG" "we need more men" "medic" "pistol" and      "he's going down" are spoken as if the language of war was their native tongue
This dialect of my little boys is not one I am fluent in

When the wars are over and the battlefields are silent I hear other sounds
In the distance I can hear a sports commentator giving a play-by-play of the matchbox nascar race that ensues on the asphalt tracks of their imaginations

Sometimes I hear the crashing sounds of railroads and towns being demolished
as loud roaring dinosaurs wreak havoc on the fisher price townspeople
Those poor fisher price people with the smiles painted on their faces
The absurdity of people smiling while being eaten by dinosaurs makes me giggle

Then I hear silence which can only mean one thing
Their little bellies are not so silent
All of the running, jumping, battling, racing....VERBing
must have awakened the food beasts within them
Now I hear the sound of maniacal laughter as starving heathens bite off the heads of their goldfish

One might think the sound of silence would be welcomed in my home
Silence with my boys is mostly unnatural
Silence now usually means disaster later
Unless it's bedtime of course, and even then I wonder what their dreams sound like

The Magic of Words

I have a secret obsession...

I. Love. Children's Literature.
It's magical!

To be fair I love literature period, but there is something so very special about children's books.
You can often find me scouring the shelves in the children's section of the library stuffing my bag with kid's books. If you see me at Barnes and Noble I'll be upstairs in the kid's area sitting on the floor with a stack of books and a smile on my face! Sometimes my kids are with me but often I'm alone just being a creeper reading picture books to myself.
And don't get me started on garage sales where you can buy books for a quarter! A QUARTER!

The thing I love most about books is that we can get lost and find ourselves all at the same time! Books are magical like that!



Austin recently pointed out that he has been noticing more and more random stacks of books scattered throughout the house. I basically have a children's library in my home. And I can't really explain why but books make me happy.
So far Landon doesn't seem super interested in reading on his own but I keep buying books for him anyway because I know it's just a matter of time.
Once he finds HIS book THE book that will change everything I just know he'll get lost in the magic of literature! To those who say they hate reading...I say they haven't found THEIR book yet.

I remember MY book... I'm guessing I was in 3rd or 4th grade and the book was a non-fiction story about Sally Ride. For those  who don't know she was the first American woman astronaut in space! Up until that point I had always LOVED being read to by my mom but reading on my own had always felt like a chore...like homework. After the Sally Ride book everything changed and I was in love with reading!

Maybe reading is in my blood. My mom read to us constantly. My brother, sister and I would lay on her bed while she read aloud to us. My mom loved to read Bible stories to us and I am so glad she did! My dad has always loved to read and his mom; my grandma actually had an entire room in her house dedicated to books. I loved going into her library and seeing what seemed like an impossible amount of books for one person to own. And she would let me borrow anything.
Her library is where I discovered my love for Stephen King and mysteries in general!

I think when I fell in love with books I was actually falling in love with words. I think putting really well worded sentences together to create a beautiful and meaningful story can be likened to writing a music score. All the parts come together in this melodious way to express and convey feelings, thoughts, and emotions. Books tell stories with words and music tells stories with sound. It's pretty amazing when you think about how complex it all is!

I think what impresses me so much with children's literature is the author and illustrators ability to work together to capture so many big and complex ideas and whittle them down to the root.
And obviously not all children's books are conveying big life lessons.
Sometimes kids books are just for fun! In our house we LOVE the fun and silly non-sensical books. The "Stinky Face" books are some of our favorites if you want something light and fun.
Also, read the "David" books by David Shannon! Especially if you have rambunctious little boys!

For this post though I really wanted to share some books that I believe are truly special in that they are written for children but manage to tackle HUGE and REAL issues in life.
The books I want to highlight actually spark real conversations with our kids. Some of these books address bullying, depression, feeling like you don't belong, being okay with being you, and a bunch of other things. I posted a picture but I'll just highlight a few since this post is already too wordy!

• I'll start with "Sweety". Sweety is a naked mole rat who totally dances to the beat of her own drum. She is that "awkward" kid we've all probably been at some point. And even if you were cool enough to mask the awkwardness so no one else knew you were insecure we ALL know what it feels like to find your place among your peers. Sweety has a big personality but she doesn't change who she is to fit in. She doesn't hide the fact that she loves studying fungi or that interpretive dance is her thing...In the end she finds her people and it's the things that make her uniquely Sweety that they bond over! The illustrations are great and me and the boys were definitely giggling at Sweety's antics.
• "The Invisible Boy" The illustrator is a GENIUS. The story itself is really beautiful but the illustrations bring the words to life! I think there were so many times as a kid in school where I felt invisible and left out and sometimes I wondered if it was me...was something wrong with me...again, I think most of us have felt that way at some point in our lives. If you've ever been picked last you probably wished you could be invisible sometimes. This story really did a good job of just bringing these kinds of issues into awareness and opens the doors for so many great conversations with our kids. Hopefully our babies never have to feel this way and maybe when they see someone who might feel invisible our kids can be empowered to be kind and include them!
• "The Color Thief" I am just blown away that someone decided to write a book for kids who have a parent or loved one dealing with depression. So often we focus on the person suffering from depression. I love that this author wrote about the effects of depression through a child's eyes. For such a heavy topic I was blown away at how the author could use such clear and concise language that kids can understand without any of the clinical jargon that would just be over their heads. AMAZING!
• "Gondra's Treasures" This one is Logan's current favorite. Honestly I think the story is really cool but I think Logan is obsessed with the illustrations. I didn't know a dragon could be so cute. Gondra's parents are two different types of dragons and she is figuring out that she inherited different traits from each parent. So, though she is like her mom in ways and her dad in other ways she is also uniquely Gondra. We all want to know about our ancestry and who we inherited what from to have a more complete idea of who we are and this book really speaks to this curiosity in all of us!
• I saved my favorite for last. I grab it every time I go to the library and I think I am just going to buy it. "The Remember Balloons" makes me cry every time I read it. The fact that a children's book can do that astonishes me! The fact that people lose their memories as they get older is to me one of the saddest things that can happen. I can't begin to imagine what that would feel like. To just slowly unbecome yourself...to not recognize YOUR people...it's kind of terrifying actually. This story so magically and beautifully captures this in such a profound and bittersweet way. I read it to Landon and we had an interesting conversation. It's amazing how much kids know and really how much they can understand. We are so fortunate to not have this experience with our immediate family members and I hope we never do. I believe empathy is an important quality to have and reading stories from other people's experiences and perspectives can really help hone this quality. 

There are SO SO many children's books I love. Sometime I'll share the books that are in our "Special" basket to keep forever as heirlooms. A few of the books are from my childhood and some go back further than that! Most of them are the boy's favorites and I hope that they pass them on to their kids. Maybe someday I'll write my own children's book. I have so many stories that I have just orally passed on to the boys and they LOVE them so if I can just put pen to paper...

Roald Dahl is one of my favorite children's literature authors and he said 

"Those who don't believe in magic will never find it" 

I think if we look for it we can find a little bit of magic in every day! Here's to looking!

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

"Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high
There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream,
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
High above the chimney tops,That's where you'll find me."


Well my Logi Bear, tomorrow you turn 4!
I told you I was whisking you off to Neverland tonight so we could just skip your birthday and you could just stay 3.

Not forever...just a little while longer. It would be quite an adventure I think; going and getting lost together.
You and your brother are my Peter Pans and I love being your Wendy.
If only we had a little pixie dust we'd fly to the second star to the right, and straight on till morning!

Landon promptly reminded me that Neverland "isn't even a real place" so there's that...
He's grown into quite a practical little boy! You though, you're still young enough to believe in magic and fairytales and I love it! Your little world is so vibrant and full of color and I love that I get to be a part of it.
Your world is the stuff dreams are made of.

Sometimes I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. Like life is just happening all around me and I am so focused on tasks like laundry, cooking, cleaning, working, etc. It's easy to get caught up and hyper focused on a to-do list and before you know it your world is gray and dull.
You lose sight of the things that really matter.

Then you come along like a little tornado and you sweep me away.
Suddenly I'm caught up in you and you whisk me into a world that is anything but dull and gray.
In your world colors are impossibly bright and anything can happen!

In your world super heroes exist and the only limitations are the ones we put on ourselves.
You are like all the super heroes rolled into one because in your world you can be a teenage mutant ninja turtle (Leonardo) one day and Superman the next. You can even be Spiderman while ALSO being a Knight at the exact same time. Reality is what you make it in your world.

In your world according to you; you used to be a little kid with an entirely different family and in this other life you have memories that are only yours and I just get to hear about them.
And apparently your world has alternate universes because at some point you also used to be a teenager...Sometimes I can't keep up with all the lives you've had at the ripe old age of 4.

I hope you bring pieces of your imagination and the best parts of your wildest dreams from YOUR world into this world! The world could always use more wonder and color.

In the movie Dorothy wants to leave Oz and return home. She says; "there's no place like home".
She is right, there is no place like home.
Home for me is where you are.
You and your brother are my ruby slippers.
So anytime my world starts to lose it's color and shades of gray and sepia take over the landscape
I'll know I'm far from home.
I'll click my heels and let myself get carried away; somewhere over the rainbow with you.

I love you rainbow baby. Happy Happy Birthday my sweet boy!

Us

Those eyes

I can actually hear your smile! Also the scared boy makes your smile like REALLY funny to me

Your face!!

Just you being your best self!!

This picture makes me laugh...

Christmas Shepherd Logi

My punkin

Your friend thats a girl but NOT your girlfriend LOL

Soldier Logi

This is what pre pre-school graduation looks like

that smile #trouble for real

Who knew Spidey likes cammo

Always shooting webs!

"THWIP"

This is what somewhere over the rainbow looks like