Lucky #7

It's that time again...time for another birthday letter!
I can't wait to give you these one day when you're all grown up.

Still my baby

 I don't know if you'll be sentimental but my morbid mind imagines that one day when I'm gone from this earth you might be missing me and knowing that you'll have my written words about how much I love you and how you really MADE my life makes me happy!

Ooh, I imagine at Christmas time you, Logan, your spouses/kids, and your dad and I will all sit by the fire with the warmth of twinkling lights from the Christmas tree, hot chocolate, and Bing Crosby crooning away in the background and we will all be laughing and reminiscing about the "good days" while reading stories about your all's crazy antics from the journals I keep.
And by then this blog will have so many stories and memories typed out that when I go to have this thing printed as a family heirloom it'll cost me thousands!

I know this, it will so be worth it!
Also, in my mind we are all wearing matching sweaters...creepy, I know.

Anyway, I just got done reading my letter to you from last year and it's funny to think how much has changed since then but also how much has stayed the same.
You STILL come to our bed, though now it's more often in the early morning hours.
You still ask me to sing Twinkle Twinkle, we still talk about the infinities almost nightly and now Logan joins in so that is really special.
You still THINK you love me more than I love you...Not possible dude.

You don't ask me to kiss your boo-boos :( and this year you are in fact playing football....ugh.

You know what though...here's the thing.
You genuinely seem to love it, and you are good at it...like really good, so I guess I love it too!
And I think there is going to be a lot more of that. You growing me and stretching me in ways I never thought possible, and all the while you are growing and stretching too.
I love that we get to do that together as a family.

And it's good that these changes happen so gradually. Honestly, it kind of just sneaks up on you.

Like football for instance. It just sort of happened and I didn't even remember writing about it last year like it was this thing that would only happen in the very distant future...
And time is so funny like that. Sometimes it trips me up how I can get caught up in the day to day and then it seems like in an instant things are changing and we are in this new place and I don't really remember the specifics of we got here.
Like if I had to retrace my steps I might get lost or even be on the right path but not recognize it.
And even if I left a trail of breadcrumbs life would just swallow them up.
And this is why I write and document and blog and take pictures.
I know I won't remember all the small moments and details that make up the pieces of our puzzle. And, I guess I'm scared to one day try and put this puzzle together only to find I am missing pieces. You don't know this yet because your only 7 but it is so ANNOYING when you go to put a puzzle together and you are missing pieces!

So, I'm just trying to keep all the pieces together so one day when one of us says
"remember when".... we will.

Getting back to you; seven year old Landon.

Again, it's funny...so much has changed but so much is the same.
You are in that age gap where you are still such a little boy in the way that you play and just how absolutely stunning and beautiful your imagination is. In that way you still seem so little and innocent to me. Physically though you are getting so tall and lean and strong and when you hug me all I can thing about is a baby giraffe!
Also, you are getting really heavy. And when we wrestle and tickle sometimes you actually shock me with your strength and physicality.
And it's in moments like those where I think "what happened to my baby"! :)

And, I think at this point you aren't really planning on marrying me... you talk more about your future girlfriends and wife and its good but I cant lie; it stings just a little.
Thank God Logan is obsessed with me but what am I going to do when he grows up!!
I guess I'll be one of those ladies with a dog in a stroller with painted toe-nails/claws??
Actually, we did see some people baby wearing weiner dogs so maybe theres hope for me after all..

Oh, you need to stop wearing a mouth guard during your football games...you look way too grown. And to think next year it's tackle football with PADS and HELMETS!
And STOP being obsessed with the cheerleaders. You're killing me smalls!
You are also a little obsessed with blocking for people...you're taking kids down after the play is over. Where is all this manly aggression coming from!!

In all seriousness I love that you are growing into the man you will one day be.
It makes me so proud and excited for your future. And I love that you push me out of my comfort zone and there is no way I could be stagnate or stale as your mother.
And know this, I will always be pushing you to be the best version of yourself so buckle up and get ready.

I see your potential!

For your 7th birthday we were already planning on going to the Nascar races BUT we won a VIP package and got to meet a driver, see the pit crew, see the hauler trucks, AND we even got to step foot on the track while all the drivers were announced.
It. Was. Epic.

The whole experience sums up perfectly this little stage that you are in where you are still this little boy but I can see your manhood on the horizon and it isn't as far off as I thought...

The fact that you packed and entire backpack full of toys is so endearing, and you brought race cars to the race to play with...heart melted.
But, then you did other things that pulled at my heart strings a little bit.
Like:

Eat Inhale a cheeseburger faster than me.

Not smile for ANY pictures...No, instead you opted for super cool poses. Like, when did this happen?

Talk about the day when you are a racer and having your girlfriends or wife come to your races...
I was like, can I still come??

You opted to stand in the line by yourself to high five all of the drivers as their names were called and you weren't the least bit intimidated.

Stand by while your new favorite driver was interviewed on TV like it was NO BIG DEAL!
You are too cool to even be starstruck!

Also, you used to be all about me...now you are kind of all about your dad and I get it...
I got you for 6 or so years and thats a pretty good run but when you ask for him instead of me it gets me a bit.
It's funny because sometimes with Logan I am so irritated with being the only one he wants...
And lately I have really been struck by the irony of it all.
It's really hard to be the ONE all the time and I guess you get used to it.
In my mind I think "OH, I'll be so happy when Logan is through this mommy phase"
but the ridiculous part of it is; a part of me will resent it!

I'm convinced this is one of the hardest parts of being a mom!
We get so down in the trenches giving all that we have and we think we can't wait for the next stage and then funnily enough we are never quite ready for it.

Because these littles don't do it on our time...when we've had enough.
They are so sneaky about it and sometimes seemingly without warning it's like they've moved on whether we are ready or not.

And actually, I'm glad its up to them, because when I am cranky, tired, exhausted, done, etc.
I am not actually ready for them to be done with me, I just think I am.

The truth is I am never just ready for them to be done with me.

Landon is my first so when it comes to him all of this is uncharted territory.
I am learning (slowly albeit) that what may feel like him being done with me is really just a transition into the next stage of our dance together.
And I may not have as much control over our choreography.
While thats hard its also really good because I think I would just hold us back.
Landon will always be my baby so to speak so I might just be happy to stick to the
"Hokey Pokey" and the "Electric Slide" and maybe even "Patty Cake" HAHA
But if I follow Landon's lead I might just get to learn to Waltz or maybe even the Charleston...
Who knows what roads might open up if I follow Landon's lead!

That's my goal with my kids! I always want to lead them in the right direction but I also want them to have the confidence to go off-roading and blaze their own trails..assuming they are wearing helmets!

And sometimes I want to be invited to go off-roading with them but that's only going to happen if I am willing to follow.

Landon, lets go off-roading together and I PROMISE not to back-seat drive!

P.S.
The fact that you got a rodent this year as a birthday present is from your MAMA'S perseverance so you better love me for it!
I love you to the moon and back and as I said on your 5th birthday and I'll say again;
I love you infinity of the stars in the sky, even the ones we can't see...

yeah, definitely the ones we cant see!

Happy 7th birthday to the boy who made me a mama!

What is this serious face!

The boys and the Pit Crew

Logan's face LOL

Ross Chastain and the boys!

Boys being boys

My favorite guys!

Family at the Finish Line

LB practicing for his autographing days!

High 5ing Ross

Logan helping!

My little prince

LB's Racing face!

LB waiting on an interview...no biggie 

Thankfully you asked for a monster cake...there's a little guy in there somewhere!

This...My heart melted to think this make-believe race car at the finishing line could still make your day!

What I will one day tell my own adult child about parenting...

So, awhile back I bought this journal called; A Mother's Journey, thoughts, feelings, memories.

I love to write to my kids and this journal is full of writing prompts so I just randomly open it to a page, date the entry, and write away. So far its been super fun to look back and see my thoughts at different points along this journey that is parenthood. Lately I've been struggling a bit with mom guilt about a variety of things. Mostly though, my guilt crashes over me like a tsunami wave after I've completely lost it on my kids and yelled/screamed at them. I beat myself up when I know I've lost control verbally and emotionally. And sometimes mom guilt can be crippling and if we allow guilt and shame to creep in it totally robs us of our joy and it becomes the only thing we see.

So, it was perfect when I had some quiet time and I sat down to revisit some old entries and I came across this one I wrote back in January of 2017. And I needed to hear it. So I thought I would share because I KNOW other moms get stuck in the rut of shame and just not feeling good enough.

The Prompt:

What I will one day tell my own adult child about parenting

"You will never be as good a parent as you want. You will set the bar unrealistically high. It's good though because you will constantly be striving to do better, to be better.

With that being said; don't be too hard on yourself. Don't LIVE in the "lows"..your perceived failures. Believe it or not that isn't where your children are living. 
They have already moved on and are waiting for you to meet them there. 
So forgive yourself so you can be present with them.

Give yourself the same grace you extend to your children. 
Remember, grace isn't a license to "mess" up and excuse poor choices or behavior. 
Grace is what makes us WANT to be better. 

Once you experience the love you have for your children you will more fully understand and comprehend the awesomeness of Jesus' love for you and humanity. 
Your children will make you better people."

Thank you boys, for always loving me right where I am at, and for making me want to be a better person every day. I love you to the moon and back, and all the infinities!

I've Got Peace Like a River

I have my two and a half year old; Logan to thanks for being my inspiration today.
To remind me to stop and breathe and even if I'm not feeling peaceful or joyful to declare those as mine anyway.
Oh, and  I guess I should be thankful for the "Wee Sing Bible Songs" CD for helping to ingrain sweet little songs about Jesus in my boy's little heads.

Today I am definitely NOT walking on sunshine. I slept AWFUL last night and I have been for the last few nights and you mamas know how rough it is to take care of your little people when you are tired. Not to mention I feel like Im coming down with something...UGH. I have been clammy and hot all day, nauseous on and off, and just exhausted. BUT...my husband left early this morning for work and won't be back until Wednesday. I don't have family to call and help me out and most of the time I'm fine and I don't need help. Let me tell you..if I had family around; today would be a day I ask for a little help. And you know little people don't stop needing you just because you're under the weather. In fact...it seems like they suddenly need you more! What is this!

This morning I had to rush to get out the door to take Landon to his first ever football game!
Even though I was feeling blah I was still excited for him. Logan is a champ at all the football practices so I figure it would be a easy going morning. WRONG. I didn't realize I had to walk a mile to get to the actual stadium for games. I didn't realize it was going to go from 65 degrees out to 80 degrees in less than an hour so its hot as you know what especially since Im like feverish.
Also, since Austin is gone I have to carry all our crap... I have also been tasked by my husband to film the game with our GoPro since he cant be there so I have to worry about remembering how to set up the tripod and get the actual game recorded...

Also, it's flag football so insert eyeroll and I now I get to be "that parent"...
Thanks Austin and I love you :)

Let me sidestep for a moment to the actual conversation I am having with my almost 7 year old as we walk hike to the field. He is talking about how small he used to be at various points of my pregnancy with him. Like the idea that he was the size of a bean or even a grapefruit is like astonishing to him. So we talk about how microscopically small he used to be and then he does it...he asks THE question;

"Mom, did I come out of your bagina"? Yes, he pronounces vagina with a B

Let me just say we are like 3 of the 50 people hiking the trail to the fields and Landon talks loud so yeah...Up until this point I've just kind of let Landon believe childbirth is like a chicken laying an egg..He hasn't seemed too curious and it isn't THAT far off...So yeah...my almost 7 year old thinks I'm a laying hen. Since he asked I figured I'd tell him the truth so I said "yes".
He got really quiet and then seemed grossed out. I said, "aren't you sorry I had to do that"?
He says with disdain; "No, aren't YOU sorry that you did that to me" as he walks ahead of me in complete shock! I was DYING. I missed my husband so bad because I knew we would be belly laughing together. Anyway, the whole time we're walking towards the fields Logan is in his own little world singing "I've got peace like a river in my soul".
I just had to take stock of my mood and my situation and just smile.

The smiling did not last long. The set up for this flag football game was legit. Like the players were on the field separated from the spectators by a fence and we had actual bleachers to sit on which would have been nice to know before I lugged around a big camping chair! This also meant that I couldn't quietly and discreetly set up the GoPro...No, I had to walk onto the sideline of the field where the coaches and players are warming up and grunting while doing warm up exercises.
So that means ALL the other parents and spectators get to watch me fumble with this stupid tripod while I attempt to look cool and seem like I know what Im doing. One dad is looking at me with real contempt so I said'
"don't judge me, my husband's a nerd and cant make it to the game and he didn't want to miss it"

Sorry Austin that I threw you under the bus...I think it's actually really sweet that you care and that even more than that you know Landy cares so you want him to know that he matters and is important to you. I totally get it but it was still a little embarrassing.

Finally, I got it all set up and recording (I think) and I thought; finally I can sit and relax while my perfect toddler entertains himself and gets adoring glances from all the other parents and grandparents.
NOPE. Maybe he is coming down with something too but he is a nightmare to deal with once the game gets started. Whiny, irritating, needy, and of course its all compounded because I feel like crap and I keep wondering if Im going to have to find somewhere private to throw up! The game finally ends and then Landon is whiny too and I know we have another mile to hike back to the car and by this point I'm drenched in sweat AND Logan is demanding to be carried.
Also, I realized as I was grabbing the stupid GoPro that I may have recorded absolutely nothing...
so yeah, theres that.

We make it back to the car and I blast the AC the whole way home. I keep telling myself I just need to eat lunch and nap with Logan and all will be well. Lunch goes pretty smoothly until I realize for dessert Logan decided to chew on a glow stick and apparently cracked it and now there is fluorescent juice to deal with...I determine not much could have gotten into his mouth and I google

"help my kid just ate a glow stick"

And I am quickly reminded that toddlers are insane and apparently this happens a lot!
Especially around the fourth of July.
From what I gather the fluorescent juice is ONLY mildly toxic and drinking milk seems to be a common theme in treating this condition. So cool as a cucumber we rinse his mouth and he drinks some milk and he seems fine. Finally its NAP time. Landon asks me to put on Willy Wonka and can he have some chocolate while he watches! Logan and I promptly pass out and when I hear him wake up an hour and a half later I decided to sleep just a little bit longer...
I can hear the boys playing downstairs and it sounds relatively calm.
Whats the worst that can happen?

ROOKIE mistake.

I don't fall into a deep sleep just that sort of on the edge resting.
So, when I hear Landon say to Logan those dreaded words...
"C'mon we need to wash your hands"
I JUMPED out of my bed like the house was burning down.
I internally yelled at myself

"What were you thinking! You can't doze while your two crazy boys play together unsupervised"!

I could only imagine the carnage I would find waiting for me downstairs.

I was pleasantly surprised...It was ONLY every single pillow, blanket, and sheet in my house in a heaping pile...apparently its a "fort" I use that term loosely. There was a container of cookies out that was almost completely empty but they are healthy Trader Joe cookies so it's okay.
There were a few empty boxes doubling as their beds, and my personal favorite was a makeshift chocolate factory where the green pigs from Angry Birds doubled as oompa loompas....
and they didn't eat all my chocolate they were merely using them as props! Well, logan ate one which is why Landon was having him wash his hands...so responsible my kids.
I think I was just so relieved because it could have been so much worse and when I thought about the day I was having and how stressed I was feeling Logan's little voice filled my head.

"Ive got peace like a river in my soul"

And I just had to laugh and take a few pictures of their crazy boyish antics. And I do feel so much better after napping. So here's to keeping the peace and finding my joy!

The carnage of unsupervised play

my favorite...the chocolate factory

this...is this the golden goose scene

we eventually moved the fort/chocolate factory upstairs AND Landon's face...

Makin' Whoopie and Other Summer Bucket List Items

Makin' Whoopie G-rated Style

Summertime is coming to an end and I'm a little sad. There was so much potential and possibility in  the beginning and now I feel it winding down. Its crunch time..trying to squeeze every last drop of sunshiney freedom from this season before we head into the school year. I have to say making a summer bucket list made a huge difference. It forced us to be more intentional and definitely gave us so many things to look forward too. I think we are going to do this seasonally. I already have so many fun ideas for fall. The best part of making the list was letting Landon in on the fun. Seeing what he was looking most forward to was really special. Our list was pretty ambitious and we didn't get to everything but I know this..Our Summer was full of laughter, adventure, and a whole lot of living life to the fullest. And honestly, it was in the little moments where our best memories were made.

Here's to you Summer, until next time!

Such potential in this little list

The Rodeo                                                                                                                                          

This was one of our bucket list items I was looking forward to the most! And let me say, the rodeo did not disappoint. It was everything I imagined! Boots and cowboy hats, beautiful girls in sequined and bedazzled denim jackets riding horses like they were born to do it, the National Anthem sung loud and proud, the smell of excitement in the air (that might have been the livestock), and the best part..the bull riders. I'm a sucker for that kind of adrenaline rush! And, there was even a girl which I thought was AWESOME!
We ate our fill of salty hot popcorn and fresh spun cotton candy or clown hair as I like to call it.
Oh, and the fresh squeezed lemonade was perfect on a hot summer's night!

Here are some of my favorite memories from that night!

these boots were made for walkin'

Yippiekiyay

My cowboys

Kissed by a real life cowboy

 Father's Day

I love father's day because I LOVE to celebrate the kind of father Austin is. He is seriously the best.
There are so many uncertain things in this life and sometimes it seems like the world is crumbling around us and I worry about the future for our kids...But there is one thing I take such refuge in, and its knowing our boys will know they have a father who loves and adores them.

He makes time for them, he makes them a priority in his life. He chooses them.

There are so many young men who don't know what a father's love feels like or what it might even look like and it matters. All you have to do is look around or read an article in a newspaper.
Our young men are hurting and broken.
I guess I'm just really thankful for the man and father Austin is.

He is lionhearted through and through.

Austin, you are so loved

#1 dad doesn't begin to describe you

My boys

Connect 4

Adventures with Mimi

This Summer we had some pretty special visitors. Austin went on a missions trip with his dad so his mom aka MIMI came to spend some special time with me and the boys. Now, I love it when mimi and paw-paw come together but it was really neat to see another dynamic when mimi gets all the love all to herself! I loved seeing my boys getting special time to bond with her. Watching mimi hold her own during sword fights are maybe my favorite memories from her visit. She is willing to get on their level to do what they want to do even if sword fighting or being shot multiple times with nerf guns aren't her thing!
Mimi is fun...more fun than I think she realizes.
It's funny how we can sometimes sell ourselves short or think of ourselves in narrow ways.
Mimi is always complimenting me for knowing how to have fun with my kids and I just want to say...

Mimi, you are fun and adventurous. You are always down for whatever we throw your way and I love that about you! Thanks for taking time away from home to have adventures with us!

Zoo Day

Stopping to smell the roses

Drinking the flowers

Is he going to blow the dandy or eat it :)

Goat Logi

Curious Landy

These are their scared faces...trolls live in the shed behind them

Bubble Slayers

 

Watermelon Smiles

Concert in the park..this picture makes me melt

 Delaware Museum of Natural History

We've gone a couple times and we LOVE it. I think my boys love taking pictures with the animal sculptures the best!

I'm obsessed with this picture

Turtle Conqueror

Bros

Obviously my kids think "dung" beetles are hilarious

Haha that is a pocket knife in his mouth..like that would stand up to a dinosaur

Logan's face!

 Fun with Grammy

We got extra lucky this summer and got an impromptu visit with my mom AKA Grammy or Graham Cracker as Landy has taken to calling her and of course Logan copies everything Landy does..
I guess we'll see if graham cracker sticks :)

My dad couldn't make it so it was another grandma only bonding session and again, it was so cool to see the one on one interaction. We don't get to see my parents very often so anytime I get to see just how much my kids love them I am reminded of my own childhood and I remember how much I LOVED seeing my grandparents and I am reassured to know that it isn't about the quantity of the visits but its the quality! And let me say, we crammed as much as we could into grammy's visit.
At least as much as the weather would allow us! And grammy and I got to sneak off for a girl's day and I cherish that time so much!
Mom, I love that you know how to be goofy and not take yourself too seriously!
You were always such a fun mom so I guess I get it from you! Thank you for having fun with my boys, especially Landy! Just be careful, you might set the bar too high and you know about Landy and his expectations! Now if you can just crochet him a doll that looks like you that would be great and not creepy at all! :)
Oh, and I love that you got your face painted with him at the zoo!
Like I said..you know how to have fun. I love you!

Two of may favorite people

Love this one

Monkey Landy

Logan wasn't sure about the face paint

Singin' in the rain

Jabba the Hutt

Goofballs

 

Girls just wanna have fun

Rehoboth Beach

This was our second annual family beach weekend getaway! Last year we did Ocean City MD and it was and will always be one of my favorite vacations as a family. It was so good we decided it would be the start of a new family tradition. Needless to say I think we were all really hyped for this bucket list item.

I love taking time as a family to stop and slow down..even if its only for a couple of days because quality trumps quantity every time!

Beach Bound

I swear I can hear Landon laughing when I see this picture

Go Karts, mini-golf, and bumper boats...boy heaven!

Logan being one of the boys..so good to watch

 

I want to remember this one forever

Hole in One

Dude is just glad he can play this year

fish lips

Me and my boys

He was a beast behind the wheel

Framing this one!

Taking the bus to the boardwalk!

 

 

 

 

 

It was SOO good!

Landy FINALLY rode this with Austin

Me and Logi

Bring it on!

Other Random Summer Memories

4th of July shenanigans

Sparkler Logi

 

I wonder what he's thinking about

Bros

fun at wal-mart

pool time

LB trying out Catcher Position

Cornucopia Logi

Landy's face makes me laugh so hard! 

Logan legit thinks we fed a "dinosaur" at the circus NOT a giraffe

The art of licking the cone

Airshow Buds

 

Silly Boy

My Peter Pan

Sunflowers are my favorite

Good bye for now Summertime.